


Forever, Undeniable

by sparkk



Series: Forever Series [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alpha Harry, Alpha Liam, Alpha Niall, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Bonding, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied Mpreg, Jealousy, Knotting, M/M, Mating Bites, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Minor Liam Payne/Danielle Peazer, Omega Louis, Omega Zayn, Oral Knotting, Rimming, Rough Sex, Smut, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-04-29 08:37:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 43,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5121866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkk/pseuds/sparkk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An accident has Zayn's most tightly held secret suddenly exposed to the world, but that's nothing compared to being in love with his best friend, who's already in a relationship with someone else. </p><p>Wherein I use a lot of scientific bullshit to describe my A/B/O universe and Zayn gets his happy ending (even if it's only fictional).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Holy shitsnacks, it's been over a year since I posted the first chapter of my Forever, Uninterrupted sequel. I am so so so sorry for not updating it, I dunno how but time just really escaped me. I promise I have a lot of the next chapter finished and will update it as soon as I can. In the meantime, I decided to use NaNoWriMo 2015 as a way to write what I've been itching to write for a long long time. I have several things to note before getting started:
> 
> First, this is set in the same universe as the first two stories, but they aren't required to understand this. All of the stories are set earlier in 1D's history, though I don't have an exact timeline. Speaking of which, I've been in the fandom since the X-Factor days, but that doesn't mean I really paid attention to all the media stuff they were involved in. Basically, I'm gonna dump a lot of things in here that are probably out of the proper sequence of events, so just a heads up.
> 
> I'm going to delve a lot deeper into the A/B/O universe in this story than I did the first two. I'm going to put my degree to use (whoo!) and try to scientifically explain each phenomenon as best as I can, but with that in mind always remember: this is all totally made up. Looking forward, there will be alpha commands, mating marks, alpha embraces (which is something I picked up from another A/B/O fic but I can't remember which one), and a hazy idea for mate acceptance/rejection that I'm still working out in my head, so bear with me. In addition, A/B/O are sexes, and male/female are genders. I dunno how that will affect the story yet, but it might and I want to throw it out there early. 
> 
> Sorry this note was so long, but hopefully it clears a few things up before we start. I'm looking forward to seeing where this story goes, and hope that you'll enjoy the ride because it's bound to get pretty crazy :-)

Zayn’s mum taught him about sex when he was 12, and the conversation, while awkward, was explicitly thorough and probably the main reason Zayn never got into any sort of trouble regarding sex for most of his teenage years. 

They had sat down after dinner one night, his mum slightly flustered as she started asking him odd questions— _Have you ever felt funny down there? Any urges? Have you been thinking about the other girls in school? Or the lads?_ —and so on, until finally coming out stating what she was trying to get at. 

After that they spent about two hours talking about sex and different genders and how even though he hadn’t presented yet his mum would love him no matter what. Then they talked about pregnancy—what would happen if he ever got someone pregnant or if he himself ever got pregnant. And they ended with a discussion on diseases, which his mum admitted not knowing all the specifics about and so they spent another half hour looking up facts on the most common ones.

At the time Zayn had been equal parts mortified and insanely curious. It all sounded so…odd, really. Heats and ruts and bonding and mating marks and the sex stereotypes for alphas and betas and omegas and changing social views and just—it was a lot to take in. But it wasn’t long after that that Zayn realized the huge service his mum had done for him. It didn’t take him long to realize that too many people in the world never were educated about this stuff like he was and what was more, too many people didn’t continue to educate themselves or have a mum as supportive as his own and it led to a lot of terrible people in the world, to put it simply. 

For all his mum’s talk about gender neutrality and equality and unconditional love, she still put out there over the next two or so years that she strongly believed he was a beta. Zayn grew to agree. Neither he nor his mum liked to buy in too much to sex or gender stereotypes but Zayn, even as a kid, had never shown any aggressive tendencies, and neither had he been extraordinarily passive, so it was easy for them to assume he was a beta, like his mom was, like his dad had been.

He didn’t mind the idea. In fact most nights it was kind of a relief, especially as he grew closer to 16, the age when most people presented. He wasn’t all that keen about experiencing heats or ruts, and being a beta was kind of like having the best of two worlds, because he could still form the mate bond—though only with other betas—and didn’t have the pressure of a cyclically dictated sexual demand. 

So yeah, when Zayn turned 16 and never presented as an alpha or omega that year, he’d thought it was pretty lucky.

x x x

It’s easy to hide the fact that Zayn is an omega.

After auditioning on the X-Factor, he’s put into a boy band with four other guys, three of whom are alphas and the other who’s an omega. For so long, all throughout the competition and into their first tour, even recording their first album, Zayn is always in the back, or on the side; laughing at the jokes, answering interview questions as honestly, but succinctly, as possible, remaining calm in the face of screaming fans and backlash for what the group represents. 

It’s easy because right after he turned 17 and woke up in the middle of the night a month later with a finger inside him and feeling like a hand was on his throat preventing him from breathing properly, his mum immediately got him birth control pills that covered the pheromones he’d otherwise leak every month. 

It’s easy because the night that he and the other boys had first really sat down and talked, they’d all announced their gender and Zayn had just shrugged and cracked a reserved smile when Niall had stated he was probably a beta—and that had moved the discussion promptly into how far everyone had gone. 

Niall had had beta girlfriends, as had Liam and Harry, and Louis admitted to having had an alpha girlfriend around 14 and no one after that. And Zayn? Well like everything else it had been easy to just shrug and say maybe a fling or two but nothing serious.

It’s easy for Zayn to hide he’s an omega because he doesn’t fit the stereotypes everyone buys into. He knows the other boys are good lads at the heart of it, but even they behave in ways that adhere so strictly to the binary of alpha and omega that it’s easy for them to judge Zayn’s own omega-atypical behavior as simply _beta_ behavior. 

No one questions him when Zayn smokes, or gets tattoos, or draws flowers and strange comics and stars and landscapes and grotesque figures in notebooks, because they’re all traits that may fit into one or the other category, but to be everything Zayn is makes him so far from the average omega or average alpha, that he actually becomes, to them, an average beta.

But mostly, it’s easy for Zayn to hide who he is because the scrutiny is never on him. 

If he’s honest it’s not really on Liam or Niall either. In the beginning everyone is looking at Harry and Louis. They make a nice couple, and the media loves playing with the idea of three alphas vying for one omega. The media loves even more painting Harry as a cheating womanizer, making Louis a victim of infidelity. He becomes a nice poster boy for the Omega Rights cause, and Harry’s reputation from there on gets shaky, with half the group’s fanbase in love with the idea of the alpha the media has brought him up to be and the other half hating him for it. 

What Harry and Louis put up with for the group is something Zayn could never handle. He sneaks peaks at the headlines online and the tabloids when he’s at the store and physically shudders, always secretly grateful beyond belief that it’s not _him_ those headlines are ripping into. And then he feels righteous anger because the people the headlines _are_ ripping into are two of his best friends in the whole world. 

Maybe it _is_ the omega in him, or maybe it’s just the way Zayn was born and brought up, or maybe it’s a mix of both, but it feels like he physically hurts every time he reads Harry be called a cheating knothead, or Louis be told by magazines that he can do so much better. It hurts all the more because no one, except Harry and Louis, really know what’s going on between them.

So yes, in light of all things, Zayn’s gender goes completely under the radar. For the whole year after they start their first tour and into their first album, the magazines all report in their bios of the boys that Harry, Liam, and Niall are alphas, Zayn is the only beta, and Louis is the group’s token omega. 

In interviews the interviewers have a blast playing with the dynamics of the oldest member being an omega, the youngest member supposedly his alpha, the other two alphas jealous of the omega’s attention. And Zayn’s role?

“So Zayn, tell me. With these four here going through their alpha and omega dance, how do you get along? Is it difficult to put up with?” 

Zayn almost wants to roll his eyes at the question. It’s the same question he’s always asked, the only difference being the wording. He doesn’t roll his eyes though, because that small show of exasperation isn’t worth the talk he’ll get, or what the online media will say, if they say anything at all. 

So instead he smiles lightly and nods as if it’s an original question and he’s about to give an original answer. 

“Nah, it’s not all bad. The lads are great, and Louis does a good job keeping everyone in line.” 

At that Louis leans over Harry and Niall, separating him from Zayn, and flicks at Zayn’s head, all the boys laughing.

“It’s a difficult thing, it is, keeping this lot in check. So rowdy!” he says and makes a whipping motion, that no doubt will be scrutinized later that night online.

Zayn knows what comes next. It’ll be the group’s most hated segment of the interview, when Louis or Harry is asked about their current love interest and who _Larry Stylinson_ is. Interviews always segue this way, with a question to Niall or Liam about their love lives and then to Harry and Louis. 

That’s why Zayn is completely unprepared when, instead of directing her next question to one of the other four boys, the interviewer keeps her eye on Zayn and asks him, “So does that mean then, if you’re not all caught up in drama with them, you’re off…I suppose you could say, pursuing your own interests?” She winks at him, winks at the camera, and laughs. They all laugh, except Zayn who sits there with a stiff smile plastered on his face and his mind swirling with how to answer this.

“Uh…” he stammers, hoping, _praying_ one of the lads will save him the way they’ve done so many times for Harry and Louis. But it’s silent. Everyone looks at him waiting for a benign, simple comment. 

Even the cameraman looks expectant, almost impatient to move on because Zayn is _not interesting_ , and Zayn can’t even see the man’s face from where it’s plastered behind the large camera.

After what feels like ages but is really only a few seconds at most, Zayn chuckles, sounding forced even to his own ears, and answers, “No, I’m not really looking at anyone at the moment. Just focusing on the group and our music.” And then Zayn looks at Liam, right at Liam, and the second their eyes meet Zayn knows he’s just made a huge mistake. 

That’s how it started with Harry and Louis essentially. One look. One look that turned into two, that turned into too many, that turned into touches and hugs and weird words and too typical alpha/omega behavior. It all started because of _one look_ that the media and viewers interpreted to be Louis looking to Harry for guidance, an _omega_ looking to an _alpha_ for approval. 

And Zayn just looked right at Liam, sitting as far across from him on the couch as is physically possible. 

No matter what Zayn could try to tell himself, he knows he looked at Liam for that exact reason, that exact, instinctual reason because no matter what Zayn and his mum say about not buying into stereotypes, there’s a difference between socially dictated forms of behavior and instincts and that, right there, was _instinct_. 

Even though the interview moves on without a hitch, no one even batting an eyelash, Liam most likely not even suspecting anything because _Zayn is a beta_ , Zayn knows better. 

He knows that if he mucks this all up things are going to get really bad. He knows that when his sex finally comes out, because it will, because this isn’t something he’ll be able to hide when he’s older and in love and more than likely _pregnant_ with his alpha’s child; when his feelings for Liam Payne, one-fifth alpha member of One Direction, come out, because they will, because Zayn has full confidence in the media and fans’ perceptiveness; when the truth finally comes out to the world—

That look to Liam in this small, insignificant interview is going to be the moment everyone is going to point to as the moment Zayn showed his true colors. This is the moment Zayn first fucked up. 

The thought terrifies him.

x x x

Zayn likes to think he started liking Liam because of the other boy’s personality, but Zayn makes it a point to at least be honest with himself and he knows that’s a lie. Zayn started liking Liam because right from the start, he was an alpha in every sense of the word, adhering to society’s strict paradigm, and more than even that, just his looks.

Zayn likes genuineness. He likes honesty. Two things he’s currently the furthest thing from, but that’s beside the point. What Zayn liked about Liam the most upon meeting him was that with Liam, what you saw really was what you got. Liam was like Zayn in the sense that he was the shy, quiet, pretty straightedge kid that Zayn portrayed to the camera. Liam was that way behind the cameras. 

It’s difficult to not like Liam because he always does best his to please others. When they’d all first gotten together, Liam had been the worst at handling Harry and Louis’ antics, putting up with Niall’s eccentricities, even managing Zayn’s constant chatter at dinner or watching TV or rehearsing. But Liam always just kept quiet and smiled. 

When they’re entering the last leg of their first album tour, Zayn stays up some nights remembering the X-Factor days, when Louis or Niall would annoy Liam to the point he’d _almost_ accidentally switched to his alpha voice to tell them off. Not that it would have done much to Niall, but Louis would not have reacted well, neither as an omega or as Louis Tomlinson. And that meant Zayn, as an omega, would not have reacted well either.

As it is, in the presence of the other boys, Zayn has only experienced an alpha command once, and it hadn’t even been to him, thankfully. They’d been rehearsing one of the sets, the voice coach outside taking a call. Louis had been making funny faces at Niall, and at one point had gotten particularly close to his face. Zayn, Harry and Liam had been singing in unison but Louis making Niall laugh, and then Harry seeing Louis face mere inches from Niall’s, triggered something in the youngest member that had him, in the middle of the set, pitching his voice to a notoriously low pitch, and stating curtly, “ _Pay attention Louis_.”

The thing about alpha commands, and Zayn only knows this because he tried reading up on the science of it shortly after presenting as an omega and realizing this would be important for him to know later down the road, is that they come in three parts. There’s the explicit message, implicit message, and resonation. There’s the command the omega it’s directed to hears—the explicit message. _Go straight home after work—Turn the TV off—Don’t touch my briefcase._ Direct commands that are impossible to misconstrue.

Then there’s the implicit message, the part of the command only the omega it’s directed to understands. Go straight home after word _and make me dinner_. Turn the TV off _and go into the bedroom_. Don’t touch my briefcase _and stay away from my work things_. 

Neither of those two things have much effect on anyone else other than the omega that the alpha command is for. There’s a lot about it that Zayn still doesn’t really understand, but he knows enough to know that he’ll never have to worry about following a command if it’s not meant for him. And in a way everyone, alpha, beta, and omega, knows that. Betas never really worry about hearing alpha commands because they’ll never have to listen to them. Other alphas don’t worry much because it takes an inordinate amount of aggression and dominance to make an alpha command work on another alpha.

But there’s still that third part of the command that most people never pay attention to. Even omegas. And Zayn doesn’t understand why more people aren’t aware of it because it’s such a significant thing, but he guesses people will choose to care about what they will. Regardless, there’s the part of the alpha command known as resonance, wherein other omegas hearing an alpha commend feel the residual effects of it. What that means varies from omega to omega, some feeling slightly sick, or feeling a very slight compulsion to obey the command as well, or feeling suddenly irrationally emotional. 

For Zayn, it meant needing comfort, in whatever form he could find it. He figures in the future, when he’s mated, it’ll mean wanting reassurance from his mate. At this point of his life, unmated and with few prospects to look forward to, it means Zayn looks immediately to the one person in the room he feels safest with, who happens to be an alpha, who also happens to be Liam.

Liam isn’t looking at him. No one is actually. Except for Zayn, everyone’s staring at Harry or Louis. 

Zayn can’t be sure, but he thinks he knows what the implicit message is that Louis heard. Pay attention Louis _to me._ It’s the only explanation as to why, when Zayn finally tears his eyes from Liam to Louis and Harry, the oldest member looks contrite for several seconds, an apology clear on the tip of his tongue, before his face melts into a look of indignation. Zayn has only seen Louis look that livid a handful of times before, and he knows it means he and Harry are going to be near impossible to live with for the next few days as they struggle to get over their anger and guilt. 

Zayn thinks about that moment a lot, in increasing frequency. It was the moment that really clued him into the fact that he felt something for Liam beyond what he felt for Harry, Louis, or Niall, something that was much closer to an omega’s affection for an alpha than to a friend’s affection for another friend. That Zayn, even then, had looked to Liam for reassurance, and not Niall, speaks volumes to him. Liam has never made an alpha command, not once since they’ve all known each other. Neither has Niall, but Zayn finds it difficult to think of a situation where Niall would feel it necessary to make such a command, being as laid back and easy going as he is. Harry, Zayn knows, has made an alpha command on several occasions. He knows this, despite not having witnessed them all, because Louis always goes to Zayn later and rants to him about it. It’s one of the reasons Zayn figures there must be something more between them, because he knows Louis well enough to know that he’s not someone who would easily put up with someone giving him an alpha command. That he stands it with Harry must account for something.

When he thinks about it, Zayn realizes that despite originally believing Liam, Harry, and Niall to be pretty stereotypical alphas, they’re actually really unique. Niall is always fun to be with, honest, caring, compassionate. The only time Zayn is really reminded Niall is an alpha is when he gets stubborn about something. He’s stubborn and competitive but mixed with his affable personality it works.

With Harry, he’s young yet. He was 16 after all when they were all put together. He’d only just presented as an alpha and Louis had, in a way, taken him under his wing despite being an omega. Harry is gentle and extremely careful with how he comes off. He hates offending people, he hates fighting, and he thrives on making people laugh—mostly Louis though, Zayn will admit. But Harry is extraordinarily possessive and protective—again, mostly with Louis. His need to protect the others seems almost instinctual when considering how seriously he takes his role as an alpha.

And then there’s Liam. Zayn thinks about him so much, so often, he feels like he could write a book about the other boy. Liam, who hates confrontation but is fiercely loyal to those he cares about. Liam, who cries sometimes during movies though he tries to hide it by covering his mouth with his hand and pretending to yawn. Liam, who stays up late and talks to Zayn when the younger boy feels upset about whatever latest garbage has been printed about them. Liam, who doesn’t mind when Zayn falls asleep in his bed some nights because they’ve been up so late together. Liam, who unquestioningly allows Zayn to find comfort in him in little ways, like barely there touches and one hug more than he gives to the other boys.

Liam, who has a beautiful omega girlfriend that doesn’t smoke or have tattoos or annoy him on the tour bus or cling to his back in the midst of crowds. 

If there’s one thing Zayn finds truly unfortunate about being an omega, it’s that even now, he still doesn’t have a chance with his first crush because it’s on an alpha that will never see him as anything more than a friend or fellow band member.

x x x

“You know Zayn-o, I’ve been thinking.” Zayn will be lying if he says he isn’t slightly worried about what Niall is going to say to him.

“Oh gosh Nialler—” 

“Nah, hear me out. Harry and Lou have their little thing, Liam is out there with Dani, but you and me? What about us? We’re literally here, on the tour bus while our mates are out doing whatever. We aren’t even _doing_ anything, we’re literally just sitting here talking about what to do.”

Zayn rolls his eyes at this because Louis, Harry, and Liam had left only 10 minutes ago while Niall and him remained on the bus trying to decide what to do. Niall has such a curious flare for the dramatic sometimes Zayn worries Louis has really rubbed off onto him too far.

“Hey, I’ve suggested plenty of things to do.”

“I’m not getting a tattoo. And I don’t wanna sit around for an hour watching _you_ get one!” Niall whines.

“Well then what shall we do, Lord Niall? You’ve yet to come up with anything good.”

“We’re in Los Angeles, there’s got to be someplace we can go and do stuff, yeah?”

“Without getting caught? We’re not supposed to be snapped today, remember?” Zayn can’t help but remind him. Frankly, Zayn is secretly thankful. They’d realized pretty quickly the American fans were…a bit less prone to respecting privacy and personal space than other fans they’d encountered, and as such, security had insisted they keep as low a profile as possible while stateside. Zayn, unlike the other four, hadn’t complained because he hated crowds. He hated people pressing up against him, shoving him, touching him, screaming at him. It’s always chaotic and makes him want to cower into someone’s back—and the person almost always is Liam.

“Oh shit Zayn, why don’t we go try getting in a strip club?!”

Zayn’s eyes actually widen at Niall’s suggestion, head even tilting back in disbelief when Niall’s eyes flash in sudden excitement. “If I had a week I couldn’t list all the reasons that’s a terrible idea. And,” he says quickly, before Niall can interrupt, “number one reason is that you’re not 18 yet darling, mean you can’t even get in.”

Seeing the excitement die just as quickly from Niall’s eyes would make Zayn feel bad if he weren’t already feeling so relieved for averting that particular crisis. Zayn knows that American strip clubs are all about omega performers and alpha clientele. Zayn may be on birth control that thankfully helps regulate his heats and his pheromones, but he’s never been in proximity with so many alphas and knows his birth control is nowhere near strong enough for something like a strip club. He’s not eager to go into a triggered heat in a foreign country just because his friend is bored.

“Can I ask you somethin’?” 

“Just did.”

“Shut it. Question: Are you really not seeing anyone right now?”

Zayn kicks his legs up on the narrow wall couch he’s sitting on, crossing his arms behind his head as he ponders how to truthfully answer Niall’s question without having to actually reveal the whole truth. 

“I’m really not seeing anyone,” he states, which is completely true. “What about you? No _bonnie lass_ back home?”

Niall laughs. “Oh God please don’t ever say that again. And no, no girl. Not that it’d be difficult now I reckon, you know, to find an interested girl, but realistically, who’d want to put up with all this, you know?” he asks as he sweeps his hand to gesture the tour bus.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I mean, whatever is on between H and L, is one thing, you know? Almost feels like they’re already marked or somethin’. But Dani and Li…I gotta respect that. Dani’s gotta put up with all of us now,” he finishes with a chuckle that gently trails off.

Zayn however, can’t help but furrow his eyebrows in confusion. “How do you mean?” he asks.

“Well, I dunno, like, dating one of us is like dating _all_ of us, you know? At least right now. We’re all touring, performing, interviewing and stuff. It’s always the five of us. Kinda feels like Liam’s the only one still holding onto the old life, if you get me.”

“By ‘old life’ you mean before 1D? Before all us got together? You think we’ve changed that much?”

“Nah, not us. But our lives, for sure. I mean, me, Harry and Li have it pretty easy I suppose, seeing as we have more…I dunno, like, security? When it comes to who we mate with? Like as alphas we’re pretty safe. But Louis’ got the short stick kinda, because if Haz isn’t it for him, finding a trustworthy alpha ain’t gonna be an easy thing. And on the off chance those two aren’t together, and I do also try not to think about this, but Louis going through heats alone must suck like hell, right? Can’t even imagine that.”

Zayn sucks in a deep breath, feeling a pit suddenly sink in his stomach. He swallows thickly and finally responds, “Yeah, guess you’re right.”

Obviously everything Niall just said has occurred to Zayn at some point, but hearing someone else say it really hits it home. When Zayn’s thoughts slowly drift, barely listening to Niall now as he rambles, Zayn doesn’t realize he’s been thinking about _Liam_ for nearly 5 minutes until Niall interrupts his chain of thought by saying he’s going to change into something and go out for some food, “At which point I will then return with a treasure of dinner and we can watch American cable until our eyes bleed or the others get back!”

Zayn half-heartedly waves him off and sinks back into his thoughts. They’re not very optimistic. 

Mostly it’s the knowledge that his sex coming out, and knowing that it’s an inevitability, really freaks him out, and it has for a long time. Zayn is scared shitless. The longer it goes on that it’s hidden, the worse it’ll be when it finally comes out. He’ll have to explain why he basically lied for years about what he is. His security will likely increase. He’ll be in the limelight for a long, _long_ time. He’ll have to face people suddenly treating him differently because he’s an omega. He sees it with Louis all the time. The older boy is a dozen levels of strong and badass, but people still treat him like he’s delicate or worse, like he’s just an object for an alpha waiting to be taken and marked. 

And Zayn will have to deal with all that, and everything Niall had just listed too. How is Zayn going to find a good alpha to mate with when he’s in the profession he’s in? Most male alphas almost always want female omegas, and female alphas are pretty rare in the business. He could consider a beta, but since presenting as an omega, Zayn has, whether as part of his biology or his inherent personality, yearned to feel the firm touch of an alpha, to be knotted, to have kids. He can be mated and have kids with a beta, but not in the same way as with an alpha. And as much as Zayn tries to ignore it, there’s something about the alpha/omega dynamic that Zayn wants to experience so badly. Having shared kisses and fumbled around with female betas in the past, he knows it’s good…but it’s not _great_.

And as he thinks about these things, his thoughts drift from implications and the future to just the physical stuff in general, until he’s passively thinking about what it’ll be like to finally be with an alpha. Even as he thinks it, the faceless alpha in his mind transforms into none other than Liam.

Zayn’s entire brain seems to shut down as soon as he realizes he’s been staring at the bus door in the corner, imagining Liam walking up the staircase right then, looking him straight in the eye as he crosses the floor to where Zayn is lying on the couch, pinning him to the cushions and giving him an alpha command to not move even as his head bends down to press their lips together—

Shit.

_Shit shit **shit**_. 

It’s one thing to imagine that happening with a random alpha. It’s another thing entirely to picture that alpha being Liam. Liam’s girlfriend aside, Zayn feels his breath leave him as he finally realizes just how bad this _thing_ he harbors for Liam is. There are thousands, maybe millions, of books and movies and TV shows and songs written about omega affection and how it starts with attachment and there is no conceivable way, judging by the nature of Zayn’s thoughts and now feelings for Liam, that his mind and body hasn’t already begun to form an attachment to the other boy.

Zayn is so, _so_ fucked.

**TBC**


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is part 2! Sorry for not updating every day, but since I only need to hit a certain daily wordcount, I figured I could give myself a little break because I technically went over for the first chapter. I'm not actually sure how many chapters this will have, but I can tell you there's a long way to go, since our goal is at least 50,000 words! Hopefully my brain can supply enough plot material to get there, otherwise there's always, you know. Sex. :D
> 
> Let me know what you think! If you have any suggestions or concerns or whatever please do let me know :)

By the middle of their second album tour, Zayn is aware that he is not dealing with things well. 

After two years on birth control pills, Zayn knows he's really pushing it in regards to his heats. He remembers all the side effects and potential dangers that he and his mum had been informed of by his doctor, and since going on the pill, Zayn has also been meticulous about researching anything that he might do that would be considered out of character for him. 

He considers himself pretty fortunate that all things considered, the past two years have been relatively smooth. He suffered some nausea in the beginning; headaches, cramps. Only once did he have a pseudo heat and that, luckily, had been when he'd been at home with his mum, so no one was none the wiser. 

His prescription and dose hasn't changed since his first visit, but now, in the middle of their second album tour, Zayn has to face the fact that something is wrong. 

Zayn has never had particular trouble with mood swings, something he's grateful for. He knows around that time of month, most omegas have problems with hormonal imbalances, often resulting in bad mood swings and cramps and headaches. As far as Zayn is aware, he's never had that problem with the exception of getting a bit more emotional, but it's always been something he could hide.

Punching a hotel wall because Liam skipped out on lunch with him to see his girlfriend? That's not normal.

Nor is it normal for him to immediately after that burst into tears as he passes by Louis' hotel room, the door cracked open and allowing Zayn a glimpse of Harry holding Louis tightly against his chest. Zayn rushes to the end of the hall to the elevator, his original destination. The second he's inside, alone, he lets out a choked sob and immediately pinches his eyes shut, balling his hands into fists by his side. 

He feels stupid. Beyond stupid really. So what if Liam cancelled lunch? Zayn gets it, he does. Liam finally has a chance to be with his girlfriend after nearly 2 months away. Of course he's going to go to lunch with her. 

Of course, it won't just be lunch, Zayn can't help but think. It'll start with lunch in the city, maybe a walk along the Malibu pier, then back to hers, or his, hotel room. They'll probably stay there all evening, probably won't come out for dinner and instead order room service.

Zayn can already picture the paps that will no doubt snap photos of them on their date today. They'll be printed on some backpage tabloid and spread all over the net, reaffirming Liam Payne's wonderful, unadulterated devotion to his sweet omega girlfriend.

He hates himself that much more for hating her, when he has no right to.

On the way out of the elevator, deciding to use his free weekend to grab some lunch and maybe walk along the beach, he collides hard into another body. Zayn knows it's an alpha before the deep timbre of that man's apology even reaches his ears.

"'m fine, sorry—sorry about that," Zayn mumbles, stepping around the other man and hightailing it out of the hotel lobby. Luckily Zayn had remembered to wear his sunglasses, so he doubts the man had a chance to recognize him. 

Out on the sidewalk, Zayn pulls the hood of his sweatshirt over his head, keeping his head down in part to minimize the chance of making eye contact with anyone and having them recognize him, and in part because he's still reeling from his run-in with an alpha.

If the irrational anger and upset from earlier hadn't clued Zayn in on something being up, his reaction just now to the other alpha does. It feels like there’s something nagging at the back of his mind, like something he’s forgotten. A sense of urgency overtakes him, and it’s weird because he’s taking long strides down the sidewalk, not even aware of where he’s going, but it feels like he should be running instead.

He doesn’t though. He knows that would attract too much attention, more than he’s already getting as he pushes past innocent bystanders on the sidewalk. Right about now Zayn wishes he had a cigarette, but he’d promised himself to cut back when his mum mentioned a few months ago that nicotine reacts badly with the hormone inhibitors in his birth control.

Finally, after what feels like an age but is really only 15 minutes, Zayn slows down and takes a seat on a bench outside a Starbucks. Even though it’s only a little after noon, the day is chilly in the shade, and he’s grateful he was wearing a sweatshirt when he decided to leave the hotel.

He feels his phone buzz in his pocket then. It startles him to the point his stomach actually lurches. There’s really no explanation to why he’s this jumpy and again, Zayn can’t shake off the feeling that something is wrong. 

It’s only as he’s sliding his hand into his pocket to retrieve his phone that he recognizes his sore knuckles. He’d been too hyped on adrenaline to notice earlier, but now that he’s got a moment to sit and think, he feels the effects of punching his hotel room’s wall—not to mention the shame of overreacting just because Liam called him 10 minutes before they were supposed to meet for lunch to cancel and say he was picking up his girlfriend from LAX instead.

And his overreaction to seeing Louis and Harry together, which is something Zayn doesn’t want to even begin to think about.

When he looks down at his caller ID, it’s too see Niall’s name and number bright on the screen. For reasons unknown to him though, Zayn ignores the call and puts his phone away. Whatever it is Niall wants, it can probably wait until after Zayn has gotten some food and calmed down.

He sits there on the bench a few more minutes, head cradled in his hands as his elbows rest on his knees. To anyone walking by he probably looks sick or upset, and Zayn can’t say they’d be wrong.

If only this thing with Liam weren’t so prominent in his life. If only Zayn really was a beta like he tells people, and could chalk it up to a silly, unfortunate crush and take steps to move on.

Unfortunately for him though, that’s not how omega attachments work. Zayn’s read enough about them to know they develop slowly, and build and build until an alpha ‘formally’—for all intents and purposes—rejects or accepts the omega. 

He’s not at that level yet, at least he’s pretty sure he isn’t. He isn’t _so_ attached that he’ll present himself to Liam, in which case Liam would be forced to accept or reject him. 

The problem though is that because of their constant close proximity, almost day in and day out seeing each other, talking to each other, performing with each other, and just generally being around each other, Zayn’s body is taking that as his tacit way of _trying_ to form the attachment. It’s like he’s sexually imprinting on his best friend, a conditioning of the senses to everything that is Liam Payne, because evolution decided that was a good way for omegas to find suitable mates.

And unless something were to break all contact between him and Liam for several months at least, Zayn is going to continue to develop the attachment until it gets to the point he’s dependent on the other boy. By that time, only a rejection or an acceptance will help Zayn move on.

He takes a moment to wallow in some serious self-pity. Of all the things to happen to him, this _would_ happen. Not only is he hiding his own sex from the entire world, with the exception of his mum and his doctor, but now it’s fucking him over royally by getting him attached to someone ten leagues out of his reach. 

Why couldn’t it have been Niall, he wonders crazily for a second. Niall he could at least talk to. Things would be…not necessarily easier, but much _simpler_. 

He tries to picture himself with Niall. Niall kissing him on the tour bus or in bed; Niall calling him love in the morning; Niall texting him about dinner; Niall agreeing to help with his heats so he could finally go off the pill, which he _knows_ is dangerous to stay on for too long stretches.

The last thought, of Niall and him in bed, maybe having sex, maybe trying to knot, makes Zayn feel physically ill and whimper aloud. Which is just one more indicator that something isn’t right, and that he’s growing too attached to Liam, because it’s ridiculous to feel like even the thought of him being with someone that isn’t Liam is wrong. Rationally, how can it be wrong? Considering Liam isn’t his and moreover, Zayn isn’t _Liam’s_ , it’s stupid to feel like it’s wrong of him.

Zayn swallows thickly and wipes his face with his hand, adjusting his glasses as he does so. With a shuddering breath, he finally stands and decides the only thing he’s up for at this point is grabbing a sandwich from the Starbucks in front of him and heading back to his room, so he can wallow in his misery in peace.

As he stands in line waiting to pay with a sandwich and a bottle of water in his hand, his whole body shivers for a second, a feeling of nausea coming to his stomach before fading. It’s not particularly cold in the small café but he does know there’s a fair number of alphas around, and it’s probably that more than anything that’s unsettling him. He just wants to pay quickly and go back to the hotel. Already he knows he’s getting weird looks for wearing sunglasses indoors, but what other choice does he have if he doesn’t want to get recognized?

“That’ll be $9.65 sir,” the cashier tells him as she rings up his food. “Would you like anything else?”

As she hands him the sandwich, Zayn feels something like an electric shock run all the way up his hand as their fingers brush. Alpha.

“Ehm, no, that’s it thanks,” he mutters lowly, trying to fake an American accent and not really caring if he succeeds or not. He’s feeling worse and worse, a terrible sense of foreboding building in the pit of his stomach. It reminds him of the time when he was little at the grocery with his mum and he lost her because he’d ambled his way to the candy aisle. After realizing he couldn’t find his mum anymore, his first instinct had been to drop all of the candy in his arms and scream for his mum to find him.

As Zayn hands the cashier a $10 bill, that’s exactly how he feels. He wants to forget about the food and the money and hightail it back to the hotel. If he’s honest, what he wants is Liam to—

“$0.35 is your change, sorry we’ve run out of bags.”

“It’s fine.”

He pockets his wallet and change and picks up his food. Before he can successfully turn to leave though, the cashier clears her throat and leans over the counter to him.

Another shudder rocks his body as she inhales not a foot away from him.

“I’m so sorry, I—you should, like, probably get back to your alpha or something really quick. I don’t mean to be rude but like, your heat is getting pretty strong,” she whispers to him apologetically. 

Zayn feels himself freeze, like his heart just dropped into his stomach.

“R-right, er—thanks.” He pushes his things down the counter so the next customer can pay.

The sense of urgency from before hits him again and if Zayn weren’t in public at the moment, or if he hadn’t had as much self-control as he does, he probably _would_ scream for his mum. He wants thinks things can’t get any worse but of course they can, and they do, because his phone vibrates again and he pulls it out to see a text message from Liam, reading **_turn around !!!_**.

Sure enough, when he does, Liam and Danielle are in the Starbucks’ doorway, smiles on their faces as they make their way towards him.

Zayn doesn’t even try to figure out how Liam recognized him. In the three seconds he has before Liam and Danielle are halfway to him, Zayn realizes several things. The first is that there are paps outside the Starbucks now, because Liam apparently didn’t bother dodging them after picking his girlfriend up.

The second is that if the paps are outside, and everyone in the vicinity recognizes there’s a celebrity in the café, it’s not going to take long before they realize Liam is walking toward a second celebrity, Zayn, and decide to hound him too.

Third is that Zayn is apparently going into heat, as recognized by the alpha cashier, and considering no one _knows_ he’s an omega, him putting out an omegan scent in a quickly crowding Starbucks is going to inform a lot of people something that no one should know yet.

And if all that isn’t enough, for the first time in nearly two years, Zayn feels the familiar, though almost forgotten, sensation of slick slowly dribbling down his thigh.

**TBC**


	3. III

To say Zayn panics would not be completely accurate. To an outside perspective, it may _look_ like he panics, but Zayn is very much aware of how stupid he looks as he grabs a sandwich and bottle of water in his free hand, the one currently not clutching his phone like a lifeline, and ducks his head down as he spins around and hastily makes his way into the back of the shop so he can get to the bathroom. 

There’s absolutely no way Liam didn’t recognize him. Zayn’s only wish at this point is that Liam has the sense not to follow him, to realize that Zayn running away—because that it is what he essentially did—was because Zayn had A Very Good Reason not to be caught in public.

Thankfully the hallway bends before revealing three bathroom doors. Zayn opens to the one with the silver Ω painted on it and lets the door slam shut behind him. There’s a single toilet inside with a sink and an infant’s changing table folded up on the wall. Zayn brings the table down and puts his food, cell phone and sunglasses on it.

His hands immediately reach to his jeans next, shucking his sweatshirt up and out of the way. 

“Fucking _fuck_ ,” he whimpers aloud, bringing his pants down. The inside of his ass cheeks are already coated with slick, and now it’s dribbling down the inside of his thighs, leaving cold trails in its wake. Despite the cool it brings to his thighs, the rest of Zayn’s body is beginning to heat up, feeling like it’s too hot and he’s wearing too many clothes. 

He uses a wad of toilet paper to wipe away as much of the slick as he can. Pressing his forehead against the brick wall, he feels something close to a sob crawling up his throat but he tampers it down. 

Everything is going to be okay, he tries to tell himself. He’ll just wait in here until Liam and Danielle leave and then he’ll grab his stuff and make his way out as discreetly as possible. Someplace on the way back to the hotel will have to sell Heat pads and emergency heat suppressants. He’ll just duck into an empty store, buy what he needs, and race back to his hotel room and deal with the rest of his heat there. No one has to know.

 _No one has to know_.

“Zayn?!” 

He hears his name called and actually groans aloud because _really_?! Of course Liam would follow him. Of course.

His name is called again but it sounds slightly far away. That’s when it occurs to Zayn that Liam is calling for him outside the beta’s bathroom, and not the omega’s one. 

Zayn almost laughs at the rotten luck of it. Fan-fucking-tastic. 

He considers keeping quiet and hoping Liam leaves, but then his phone vibrates, indicating Liam’s texted him asking where he is and Zayn…he just can’t do it.

He’s in this so deep the guilt he feels at the thought of denying his alpha physically hurts. He chokes down a sick feeling as he realizes he’s thought of Liam as _his alpha_.

Wiping away at the last of the slick and flushing the toilet paper, Zayn does up his jeans and gets barely a step toward the door before his knees buckle. He cries out, holding onto the wall for support.

“Zayn?” Liam knocks this time on the omega’s bathroom door.

“Y-yeah,” he calls out.

“…You okay? You’re in the wrong toilet man. Is everything alright?” The concern in Liam’s voice makes it so easy for Zayn to believe it’s the kind of concern an alpha would show for his mate. 

The heat is causing Zayn to be in an extremely vulnerable emotional state. While he’s able to think clearly, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s edging his way to the door and all he wants, all he really really _needs_ , is Liam. 

What he needs, is an alpha’s embrace.

Zayn opens the door, the thought of paps out there barely flashing through his mind before the door is already open.

It takes about two seconds for the look of worry on Liam’s face to transform into shock because fuck—Zayn completely forgot that the pheromones he’s releasing thanks to his heat would make it impossible for him to lie his way out of this situation.

Without thinking, Zayn grabs Liam’s shirt and yanks him inside, immediately shutting and locking the door. He lets Liam go and stumbles backward, hitting the wall next to the door in order to put some distance between him and Liam.

“Jesus—Zayn, what—? How?... _What_?!”

“Crap—‘m sorry Li, I n-never told you…never told anyone…” 

With an alpha—the alpha he _wants_ —so close, another wave of heat and slick shudders through his body. Zayn sinks down, back against the wall, to bury his face into his knees so that he at least won’t have to look at Liam’s shocked face.

“You…You mean you’re an omega? You’re actually an _omega_? You’re not a beta?”

Zayn moans pitifully and shakes his head.

“Christ Z, I…” His voice sounds muffled and when Zayn sneaks a peak at him, it’s too see him covering his nose and mouth.

“You should leave,” he breathes out. “It’s only g-going to get worse.”

“I’m not about to leave you when you’re in _heat_ ,” Liam exclaims. Zayn hears him lock the door before the sound of him typing on his cell keyboard fills the small room. 

“Alright, I’ve told Dani to hold the paps off in the front. If we somehow sneak into the kitchen, there’s a way out of back that I think we can use to dodge the paps. I’ll call my car to take you back to the hotel and go back to the front after—”

Zayn listens to about that much before he groans, interrupting the other boy. 

“Shit—are you okay? Z, talk to me man, what’s wrong?”

Zayn whimpers. He would hate himself for being in this position, or at the very least feel mortified or more worried than he is, but it’s difficult to feel anything but steadily growing desperation at the moment.

“Can’t move,” he mumbles. “Don’t think I can move right now.”

Liam steps closer to him, he can practically feel Liam standing right in front of him.

“How long ago did this start? Did you just start feeling it or did you—”

“Just started,” Zayn interrupts. “Li you…you really should go.” It genuinely hurts to say the words, almost feeling like Liam has already rejected him even though the thought is ridiculous and irrational on so many levels.

“You’re insane if you think I’m leaving you like this.” Liam crouches down, hovering unbearably close but not quite touching him yet. “How can I help? There’s got to be something I can do right? Would it help if I touched you a little?”

Zayn whimpers again, this time it’s Liam’s name. His breaths come shakily as he picks his head up from his knees, looking at Liam’s face for the first time in what feels like ages but has only been a few minutes.

Liam just looks _so concerned, so worried_ , that Zayn can’t help himself as he scoots closer to the larger boy, all but falling into his arms in a boneless heap. 

Liam catches him easily, arms already pulling him into a deeper embrace. It’s difficult with them both squatting on the ground, and Liam must realize the problem because a second later his basically hauling Zayn up to his feet with his arm strength alone. 

He pushes Zayn against the wall, one hand cradling the back of his head before it can collide with the brick wall. Zayn’s breath hitches when Liam then perfectly presses Zayn’s face into his shoulder, hand sliding from his head to the nape of his neck and squeezing the exact right amount of pressure. He uses the rest of his body to hold Zayn against the wall with their bodies touching in as many places as possible, and _oh_ —

This is _it_. 

This is the alpha embrace. Zayn has never been in one but like everything else concerning the life of an omega, he’s read up on it and knows what it means and entails.

It’s a method used to settle an anxious omega, whether in heat or because of some other stressor. The whole point to is shift every point of focus for the omega to his or her alpha. A perfect embrace would mean canceling every sense the omega has so that the only awareness was that of the alpha’s presence. It’s supposed to be soothing; it’s supposed to feel like the aftermath of an intense orgasm—at least according to the accounts Zayn’s read.

Nothing he’s read could prepare him for this though. The feeling of Liam everywhere, all around him, in all places of his mind and body…It has Zayn slumping boneless in his embrace, feeling something curl in the pit of his stomach as Zayn feels what seems to be every hardened muscle of Liam’s body stretch and flex as he holds Zayn up.

Without meaning to, Zayn moans again, only this time in pure, unadulterated relief. While the heat itself is still there, it’s been held back for now, pushed to the back of Zayn’s mind just like every other concern he may have. All that matters is Liam—holding him, protecting him.

It’s hard to tell whether it’s Liam’s hand squeezing down on the pressure point at Zayn’s neck or the fact that it’s _Liam_ blocking his sight, using his shoulder and neck to cover Zayn’s ears, the hard planes of his body enveloping Zayn in a tight embrace, that makes it so perfect. 

Whatever it is, Zayn thinks he could happily stay like this for the rest of his life.

“Shh Z, everything’s okay,” Liam whispers. 

He wants to shake his head and say _No, it isn’t_ but he doesn’t because he can’t. He can’t risk breaking the calm that’s settled over them now. As the seconds tick by Zayn feels himself slowly calming down even though his body continues to tremble with Liam’s arms around him.

“I’m going to pull away now, okay?”

“Y-yeah, okay.”

“Just, keep your eyes closed for me. It’s going to feel a bit overwhelming once I pull away, but I’m right here. You’re okay Z.”

Zayn doesn’t nod his head but remains quiet. The second Liam starts to pull away he feels ice cold and bereft, his body shaking again as he tries to sink back into the wall while keeping his eyes shut.

Thankfully Liam keeps one around his shoulders, hand still applying pressure to his neck like an anchor to keep Zayn from falling apart. 

Distantly Zayn recognizes Liam is typing again on his phone but is too busy trying to make his head stop swimming and gut stop sinking to pay attention.

“Alright, I have the car waiting out back. We can get into the kitchen through the employee bathroom and no one will notice, hopefully. I need you to stay with me though okay Zayn? Can you walk?” 

Zayn clears his throat and tries to open his eyes, struggling against the glare of the light. “Think so,” he whispers. He sees Liam smile and it does wonders for his mood. Approval. _Alpha approval_.

“Great, that’s great, just hold onto my hand, tightly as you need to, it’s fine.” 

Zayn clings to Liam’s arm with both hands as the stumble to the door. He knows he’s making it difficult for Liam to walk, what with putting so much weight on his side, but Liam doesn’t say anything, just moves to quietly open the bathroom door.

“M’things,” Zayn mumbles, remembering his food and sunglasses.

“I’ll get them for you after I get you in the car,” says Liam.

Something about the sentence doesn’t sit well with Zayn, but it isn’t until they’ve made it through the employee bathroom into the kitchen, thankfully not seeing anyone around, and to the backdoor they use to take out the trash, that Zayn realizes what it is.

There’s a black truck with tinted windows already waiting there in the narrow alley when Liam opens the door, no one around save one other person, getting out of the car, that Zayn assumes is the driver.

“Paul, you’ll be okay getting him back right?” 

Only as Paul opens the truck door and Liam walks him to it does Zayn recognize the other beta.

“Yeah, should be no problem. We’re lucky they don’t know about the hotel yet. I’ll call Louis to help me get him to his room from the back of the hotel.”

“Sounds good.” 

Liam all but hoists Zayn into the truck, the smaller boy unable to do much more than cling to Liam’s arm. As soon as Liam pulls back though Zayn makes a choking sound, reaching out to his friend.

“Sorry Z, I have to leave you, you’ll be okay with Paul,” he says, shooting Zayn an apologetic look.

“Wait Li, can’t you—can’t you come too? Just back to the hotel, please, I’ll be good, I promise,” Zayn has no idea what he’s saying, all he knows is that the idea of driving anywhere without Liam with him is unbearable.

“I’m really sorry Z, I can’t, you’ll be okay. But you have to go now, before anyone sees us, yeah?”

Before Zayn can reply, Paul pushes Liam back and slams the door shut. It’s an effective barrier between Zayn and Liam; Zayn can’t feel Liam at all save for the smell of his cologne on his clothes. 

Paul rounds to the other side of the car and gets in quickly. As he opens the door Zayn hears him say to Liam, “Sorry, but it’s best we get him back as soon as we can. He’ll be fine, don’t worry. I called in extra security to help you and Danielle in the front.”

He gets into the driver’s seat and shuts the door, the engine still running. Zayn presses his face to the window but has enough sense not to roll it down, no matter how badly he wants to. As Paul starts backing up, Liam waves once to Zayn before turning to head back into the store. 

“Zayn, I need you to slide down in your seat for me okay? Can you do that?” Paul asks gently.

He wants to tell Paul that he’s fine, he’s not a child, but considering the situation he’s gotten himself into, he refrains, sliding down in his seat until he can’t even look out the window anymore.

The more distance they put between him and Liam, the clearer his head gets even as his body gets worse. Now the slight panic of having his omega status coming out sets in. Liam knows, Paul knows…if he remembers correctly Louis knows, meaning Harry’s going to know and Niall not long after that.

Shit. As they get back to the hotel and Louis meets them in the back as promised, helping Zayn into a back elevator to their floor and to his room, all the while mumbling soothing platitudes, that’s the only thing Zayn can think.

Shit.

**TBC**


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, thank you so much for the amazing response so far :) there's still sooo much to get through and I'm falling behind in wordcount :( thank you for all the comments, it's really helping me with inspiration and motivation. I wanted to post a comment I had made from last chapter just to clarify something:
> 
> "The bathrooms are labeled by sex ( alpha, beta, omega) in this world because I reasoned that if gender is a social construct, and/or secondary to the physical sex characteristics, then people could identify whatever gender they want without repercussions (like there are in our world). Also idk if it's problematic to think this way, but I figured it would make things less contraversial to go by sex, since that way all omegas, regardless whether female or male, would feel safe in the bathroom, instead of if it went by male/female, in which case you could have male alphas and male omegas in the same bathroom, and that would be no bueno."
> 
> Hope that made sense. This chapter is a bit boring I think but there's still stuff to set up before we get to the real angst of the fic. I'm still deciding on whether the bulk of the fic should be them getting together, or if I should just get them together and have the bulk be usual establish relationship problems. We'll just have to see.
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated, hope you enjoy :)

At some point Zayn falls asleep in his bed with Louis pressed up against his back, holding him tightly. He falls into a fitful slumber as Louis’ voice croons soft, nonsensical words into his ear. 

He doesn’t sleep well, nor does he sleep long, at most an hour before he’s waking up again. Louis is silent behind him but Zayn knows he’s awake.

“You up?” Zayn nods. “How you feeling?”

“Awful,” Zayn answers truthfully.

“Not surprised. You’re still in heat, can smell you,” he mumbles into Zayn’s shoulder. Luckily omegan heats don’t affect other omegas other than to make them more protective of each other.

Louis is rubbing Zayn’s arm, his hair tickling Zayn’s skin. They’re under the covers and it feels unbearably hot but someone, likely Louis, already took off Zayn’s sweatshirt and undershirt, and helped change him into a pair of sweatpants.

“So. Omega, huh? Just couldn’t let me have all the fun, could you Zayn-o?”

Zayn chokes out a laugh. “Course not,” he mutters, voice raspy.

“Hm.”

“M’sorry Lou,” he whispers.

“What the ever loving fuck are you sorry for? You’ve done nothing wrong,” Louis says forcefully.

Zayn feels a jolt of pure _need_ , a feeling indescribable in its intensity, race down his spine. He groans and presses his face into the pillow, feeling disgusted with himself as his hole clenches and unclenches around nothing and lets slick dribble out.

“I’ve got you babe.”

“This is horrible,” Zayn whimpers.

“Hah, it’s not so bad.”

“Maybe if you have an alpha to help you through it.”

Louis doesn’t respond for a full minute. “Yeah. Having an alpha helps.”

Zayn knows it’s not going to help really, but he rolls onto his other side and snuggles into Louis’ chest, trying to achieve the same effect as Liam’s alpha embrace. Louis feels all wrong though and he can’t block out all of Zayn’s sense the way an alpha, the way _Liam_ , can.

“I’m guessing this is your first heat in a while?” Zayn nods. “Were you on the pill this whole time?” Again, Zayn nods. “Jeez, no wonder then. You know you can’t stay on that stuff for months like that, yeah? How long have you been on the pill? I’m assuming you’re still on it now, right? Would explain why you’re having a pseudo heat right now, what with the way you’re not exactly humping furniture or crying out for a knot.”

“…Since I was 17. Mum got me on it after I presented.”

“Christ Zayn, that was two years ago. You telling me you haven’t had a single proper heat since?!”

Zayn doesn’t reply, because there’s no point. Louis already knows the answer to that question. He wouldn’t be in this situation otherwise.

“Do the others know? ‘sides me and Liam I mean.”

“Just you two right now. And Paul I guess.” 

Louis’ hand on Zayn’s back is a comforting presence. His chest rumbles pleasantly every time he speaks. Zayn is almost able to pretend it’s someone else’s arms he’s in.

“I texted Haz while you were asleep. Sorry Z.”

“S’fine. I knew you’d tell him.”

Even without seeing Louis’ face, Zayn can tell he hesitates before speaking again. “You know…Harry could help. Being an alpha and all. Or Niall.” Zayn doesn’t say anything. He can tell how difficult it is for Louis to even suggest Harry help him. 

As though recognizing where Zayn’s thoughts are, Louis adds, “Harry and I aren’t mated. And you know how he is. Soon as I told him what happened he wanted to know how he could help.”

Zayn shakes his head. “Thanks Lou. But he can’t help, you know it. You two are already attached.”

“Niall could—”

“Don’t want Niall,” Zayn says simply, remembering his earlier thoughts. Things would be so much simpler if he’d grown attached to Niall. At the very least, things would be so much simpler if he _hadn’t_ grown attached to Liam.

They continue to lie there in silence for several long minutes. It feels like one endless cycle of torment for Zayn, alternating between feeling empty and feeling intense longing for someone he knows he can’t have.

“Z., do you…I mean Liam…he’s got a girlfriend.”

Neither of them can ignore the way Zayn’s breath hitches at Liam’s name.

“I know. I know he’s got a girlfriend.”

“And she’s an omega. You know it—”

“Please don’t,” Zayn pleads brokenly.

“I’m just saying.”

“Just don’t.”

Louis huffs. “Zayn, he’s your best friend. He’ll understand.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Maybe not be, but it _is_ simple. Just tell him how you feel. I knew you were getting closer to him, but I didn’t think anything of it ‘cause I thought you were a beta. Admit it Zayn,” he presses, giving Zayn’s arm a squeeze, “you’re attached to him.”

The younger boy doesn’t know how to respond. He’s not attached, not yet, but it’s a near thing. Near enough that it doesn’t make a difference.

“It doesn’t change anything Lou. Like you said. He’s got an O already. I can’t put myself between him and the person he wants.”

“While I have no doubt our dear Payno thoroughly likes his girlfriend, you and I both know a thing between them will just get harder and harder. And Omega imprints are serious, Liam knows that too. He’s not gonna take it lightly, if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

“I _know_ Lou. That’s exactly the problem. I tell him how I feel, and it’ll fuck up things between us and between him and Dani. And I like her. I don’t wanna ruin what we all have for something that can’t even go anywhere.”

“Says who?”

Zayn scoffs, “Says the whole world. Just look at you and Harry.”

“We’re different—”

“ _Clearly_. Everyone knows what you two have is…it’s like the stuff of poetry Lou. No one’s gonna mess with it, no matter what they print about you two. You’re too…it’s too genuine. But my point is that people like what they’re used to. They’re already gonna shit over themselves when it gets out I’m actually an omega, not a beta. You really think they’ll react well if we say Liam is my alpha?

“And besides, this is all…it all assumes Liam even wants me. And he doesn’t. I know he doesn’t.”

“You don’t know that!”

“Not everyone is like you and Haz, Lou. Just because you fall in love with your best friend, doesn’t mean he’ll fall too. Just ‘cause I like Liam, doesn’t mean he likes me back,” Zayn repeats. 

“You could get there,” Louis says softly.

“Maybe,” Zayn concedes. “But not now. Not when he already has someone.”

“But attachments take ages to build and are near impossible to break short of rejection and distance. You really think living with an unanswered attachment is gonna be easier than just telling Liam?”

“Yes.” It’s a lie and they both know it. 

“Bullshit,” Louis says harshly. “I’m not gonna let you suffer because you’re too chickenshit to get what you want.”

For reasons beyond his knowledge, Zayn chokes up at that. It’s likely the hormones, the way his body is flooded with hormones previously suppressed, but whatever the reason, Zayn starts to cry.

He tries to be quiet about it but Louis knows what’s happening and his grip tightens.

“I can’t watch you like this Zayn,” he says somberly, a tone of voice that is horrible on Louis, someone who Zayn’s always depended on to be happy and carefree. “I can’t stand by and see you in misery. God it—it makes me hurt just thinking about how touch starved you must’ve been these two years. You barely even let us touch you unless you started it first.”

“I know—M’sorry,” Zayn grinds out.

“Don’t apologize idiot. Just sleep. I’m gonna talk to the other lads once you fall asleep and we’ll figure things out.”

“D-don’t…don’t tell Liam—!”

“Shh. I won’t tell Liam anything. But you’re going to have to. _You have to_ , Zayn. The sooner the better.”

“I know,” Zayn says, pulling his face away from Louis’ shirt to turn into the pillow and wipe his face on the cover.

“Sleep now. Fortunately for you darling this fake-heat should only last a day or two. But you’re gonna be right miserable until it’s over. I’ll bring over some dinner later. Do you…” He cuts off, gently pushing Zayn away.

“…What?”

“I mean I…I’ve got some stuff—like, heat stuff. You know. Like, toys? Do you…er—”

Zayn cracks a smile, feeling foreign on his face as he pulls away from Louis so he can scoot off the bed. He already misses his friend’s comforting presence, but doesn’t say anything.

“Nah mate, but thanks. I’ll be fine. Last time this happened it only lasted a day. I should be fine by tomorrow afternoon.”

Louis nods, fixing his rumpled clothes and grabbing his cell phone off the bedside table. He shoots Zayn a grin as he walks backward to the door. “Alright, sounds good. I might send Niall in tonight though. No no—” he quickly holds up a hand to halt Zayn from protesting, “No matter what you say, take it from semi-personal experience: any alpha embrace is better than none when one is dying in heat.”

Zayn shakes his head and laughs. “Shut the fuck up and go away,” he says, sticking his tongue out childishly.

“How rude, after all that I do for you!” Louis laughs and waves one last time before heading out into the hallway, leaving Zayn alone to his thoughts.

He rolls over onto his front and presses his face into the pillow. It blocks out his vision wonderfully and it’s quiet enough in his room that he can pretend he can’t hear anything either. He’ll be fine, he tells himself as he ignores another jolt of arousal and fades into sleep.

He’ll be just fine.

x x x

He wakes up twice that evening. The first time, it’s near 8pm according to his bedside clock and Louis has left him a carton of Panda Express to eat for dinner. He finishes half of it tiredly, finishing the entire bottle of water left next to it, before rolling onto his back on the bed and jacking off. It’s a horrible substitute for what he really wants, but he reminds himself it’s a fake heat and he’s lucky to not be suffering more than he is. When he doesn’t immediately get soft, Zayn contemplates fingering himself to completion but knows that’ll likely make him feel worse so chooses not to.

He changes his sweatpants and goes back to sleep. The next time he wakes up, he does so blearily, without having any idea what time it is. He tries to roll over to check the time but it becomes almost immediately apparent he can’t, thanks to the press of a solid body behind him.

He pushes back into it without thinking, still half-asleep.

“Easy mate, just me,” he hears just as he releases a soft moan. Niall.

It’s Niall in bed with him. The thought almost makes him cry again. But instead his face heats up in mortification. Zayn would give anything to be able to pull away and fall back asleep, but he can’t. Can’t because Niall rolls him onto his front and firmly clambers over him.

“I hope you don’t hate me in the morning for this, but I promise it’ll make you feel better,” he whispers into his ear. Niall situates himself so that he’s smothering Zayn, one arm pressing into the back of Zayn’s neck, the other bracketing the side of his head. Zayn’s face is pushed into the pillow and the rest of his body is pinned down by Niall’s. 

It’s not the same as Liam’s embrace, because Niall isn’t Liam—doesn’t have his insane muscle or hard planes and bones—but it’s an alpha embrace, and it’s from a trusted friend. It does help, a little. 

Zayn falls asleep again, and doesn’t wake up until past noon. Niall is gone by the time he wakes up, replaced by Louis and Harry sandwiching him in the middle of the bed.

Zayn cries again into Louis’ chest and Harry kindly doesn’t say anything, simply strokes his back. Part of Zayn wishes it was Liam with him instead and part of him wishes he could erase the past day and a half. 

But there’s another part of him, the biological part that is entirely omega, that shudders in relief from so much physical contact after so long without it. Omegas thrive on and need physical contact, not just from their mate but family and close friends. Zayn may always come off slightly touch phobic, but it stems more from an inherent fear of rejection than an aversion to touch. With Harry behind him and Louis holding him tightly, Zayn feels like he can breathe for the first time. He sniffles, apologizes to them for being so emotional—to which Louis pinches him in rebuke for—and falls asleep again, exhausted emotionally.

When he wakes up an hour later, Harry and Louis are still there, but he can tell his pseudo-heat has passed.

Zayn has never been so relieved.

**TBC**


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't believe it's already chapter 5! I'm still behind but I'll be sure to compensate with longer chapters later. Speaking of, I've gotten requests for lengthier chapters, I apologize that they feel so short, I keep getting random life stuff come up but hopefully with the weekend will have some time to just sit and write a bunch. I have a little more written than what I'm posting in this chapter but I felt like this was an appropriate place to break. Hopefully you don't mind spoilers but I'm just gonna warn you not to get your hopes up for the next chapter - keep in mind I'm going for over 50k so this is early yet. Never fear, Zayn and Liam will have their time but for now it's still focusing on Zayn.
> 
> As always, feedback is always, always appreciated, I try to respond to all comments but bear with me :) thank you for reading!

Everything is different after Zayn’s fake-heat. 

They don’t all sit down together and discuss things. By seemingly mutual tacit agreement, they pretend to go on as if things haven’t changed, but Zayn _feels_ the differences in their dynamic as poignantly as if they had all just woken up one morning to find one of them gone. No one is dead of course, but it’s like suddenly Zayn is a completely different person. 

For all intents and purposes, the old Zayn, beta Zayn, _is_ dead, and in his place a new Zayn has been born. 

Omega Zayn, who is touch starved after hiding himself for two years. Omega Zayn, who is suffering from an incomplete attachment. Omega Zayn, who finally gets to reveal himself to the rest of the world and who will have to deal with everything that comes with the life of being an omega. 

Despite not discussing personal matters as a group, they do talk the managers and PR agency, who decide it best for Zayn to finish the last of his prescription and come out formally in a set up interview in two months. Zayn agrees it’s the best way to reveal it, but he walks out of that meeting grateful more than anything for the fact they mentioned nothing about setting him up with an alpha to be seen with. The idea of being with anyone that isn’t Liam makes his stomach churn. 

Concerning Liam, Zayn is also relieved that things haven’t changed much between them. Of course Liam told Danielle about the incident in Starbucks, but they all trust her to be discreet until they formally announce it.

In the meantime, the rest of the boys treat Zayn like the omega he is, the way he should have been treated for the past two years. Really though, they treat him the way they’d treat Louis, if he didn’t have Harry. That is to say they touch him—a lot.

Hugs in the morning and at night. Pats on the back. One armed shoulder hugs when they’re walking. Rubbing down his arm or his back. Running their hands through his hair when it isn’t done up meticulously by Lou. They cuddle more on the couch. Louis makes it a habit of sneaking into Zayn’s bed at least once a week until Zayn finally takes initiative to fall asleep curled up to Louis’ back with Louis curled into Harry’s chest.

And through it all, the one thing that has yet to change is the horrid, stupid attachment that’s growing between him and Liam.

If he’d thought things difficult before, they’re even worse now that Liam touches him more and more. Every time one of the other boy takes Zayn’s hand or hugs him, or gives him any kind of physical contact, all Zayn can do is feel grateful and morose, wishing it was Liam instead.

Until Liam’s the one hugging or touching him. Then Zayn finds himself wishing Liam would never let go or never touch him again. This half-arsed physical comfort minus emotional intimacy thing frankly sucks.

It doesn’t help that in the two months leading up to Zayn’s reveal interview, the boys undergo small changes to help them all look a little more mature. They’ve finished their second album tour. They get their hair cut, work out more, wear more suits and ‘big boy trousers,’ as Louis likes to call it.

They all look good now, but Liam…Call Zayn biased, but he doesn’t think Liam’s ever looked so fit. He gets his hair shaved and starts exercising like mad, him and Harry hitting the gym together until Liam starts going even more. He sports tattoos—which make Zayn’s stomach flip every time he sees them—and by the week of Zayn’s big interview, he decides there is nothing in the world that will ever be better than the feeling of Liam’s ridiculously strong arms holding him against his chest.

x x x

The night of The Interview, as Zayn has taken to thinking of it, marks two years since the group coming together as one, 3 years of them all knowing each other. As Zayn sits getting his makeup and hair done for the live interview, he feels a ball of nervousness settle in his stomach.

The others are just about done getting ready. He has no idea where Niall and Harry have run off to but Louis is sitting on the couch in the dressing room with Zayn, playing a game on his phone, and Liam stepped out after he’d finished dressing to grab a bottle of water from the vending machine.

Over the past few weeks more and more people were let privy to the news, though only people management trusted to keep quiet until the official announcement. It’s lucky that they finished their tour and are only doing recording right now. Zayn’s back with his mum and it’s a comfort to be able to spend time with her, since she above all others helps make he feel better when reality rears its horrible head at him.

Since ending the tour, it’s been difficult having to spend so much time away from the others, especially Liam, for obvious reasons. His mum doesn’t know about the attachment—and it _is_ attachment now, something Zayn figured out when he tried going on a date with a nice beta his mum suggested and Zayn found himself bent over sick after the other boy tried to kiss him in the car. 

His mum could tell of course that something’s been wrong since coming home, but aside from telling her the major events, namely his pseudo heat and his imminent coming out, he’s refrained from telling her about what’s been going on between him and Liam. Mainly because there _isn’t_ anything going on.

Zayn actually feels sorry for his body. First that he’s stopped taking the pill two weeks ago after he finished his last prescription and his body has been going haywire with the sudden influx of hormones, and second because of the torment he’s put himself through between constant contact with Liam and hardly any contact.

Even though Zayn hung out with Niall, Harry, and Louis quite a bit since the end of the tour, almost every day that they weren’t recording, he can’t say the same for him and Liam. The alpha spent almost all his days they weren’t recording with Danielle instead. 

“Alright Zayn, you’re all done. Try not to rub your face between now and the interview alright? And you too Louis, if I see you put your hand near your hair one more time I will chuck this brush at you and you can fix your head yourself!”

Zayn laughs at Lou’s put out expression and gets off the chair.

“I’m gonna go see where Liam’s run off to, he’s been gone awhile. Call me when they need us?”

“Sure thing Zaynie,” Louis answers, distracted by his game.

He walks out the dressing room and down the hall quietly, waving and smiling at people he runs into. He has no idea where Liam is, but he really couldn’t have gone off too far.

Not long after he thinks that he spots the other boy leaning against the wall next to a soda machine.

“Oh, are they calling us on soon?”

Zayn shakes his head. “Nope, just thought I’d come find you. What’re you up to here? Thought they said you shouldn’t be eating.”

Liam laughs and pushes off the wall. He’s got on dark jeans and a grey Henley, sleeves rolled to his elbows and exposing the intricate trails of veins on his forearm. Not to mention the arrows that Zayn loves so much.

“Ugh, don’t tell. I might’ve snuck a Snickers,” he says, looping his arm around Zayn’s shoulder. They make their way back towards the dressing room.

“You nervous?” Liam asks after a moment.

Zayn shrugs, using it as an excuse to burrow closer into Liam’s side. He smells wonderful—cologne and hairspray and something masculine that is uniquely Liam.

“A bit, yeah.”

“You know whatever happens…whatever they say tomorrow, we’ve got your back? I mean, I really think everyone will be supportive, you know? Being an omega isn’t a crime or something.”

“No, you’re right,” Zayn agrees. “I don’t think people will say anything horrible but like. It’ll be hard I think. The fans, they’ve—they’ve spent the past _three years_ thinking I’m a beta. There’s just no telling how they’ll take it that I’m not.”

“If they love you like they say, they’ll be nothing but good about it. ‘Sides,” he adds, using the hand around Zayn’s shoulders to rub the back of Zayn’s neck, “no one can say shit about you. I won’t allow it.”

“Oooh, look out world. Liam Payne has spoken,” Zayn teases. But even as they both laugh, Zayn feels some of his nervousness dissipate. 

It’s moments like this that Zayn really lives for. He tries not to think about what having Liam as his alpha would be like, but sometimes Liam says things and Zayn just can’t help but think _This is it, this is how Liam is. This is how he’d love me_.

If only.

x x x

“Now I gotta ask—there’s definitely a difference between you five tonight.”

The boys all look each other, exaggerated grins on their faces. As usual, Louis takes initiative to answer the interviewer’s question. He waits until the audience stops screaming to say, “Is there a question there? Don’t think I quite caught it!”

The interviewer—Josh, as he introduced himself—laughs with them again. “Alright, alright then, the question. What exactly are we looking at here?” He gestures to them, where they’re sitting on a couch opposite him. Harry is at the edge, sitting next to Niall, who’s sitting next to Liam, sitting next to Zayn, with Louis on the other end.

“Well darling—”

“Oh god Lou,” they all groan in unison and break into laughter. For the sake of moving the interview along, and because Zayn can’t take the suspense anymore, he decides to take pity on the alpha interviewer.

“No, actually you’re right, in all seriousness,” he finally chimes in. “There is a bit of a change. My fault, really.”

“Oh? And why’s that?”

Zayn chuckles, trying to hide his anxiety. “Well I’ll offer a bit of an exclusive I guess. There’s no proper way to say it, but I’ve actually got to fess up to something.”

“Sounds like you’re pregnant!” Josh exclaims, bringing the audience to another round of laughing. The other boys don’t laugh this time, but keep their smiles plastered on their faces to prevent it from looking awkward.

“Well—not yet, thank god, but pretty close I guess?” He stupidly looks at Liam, a force of habit now. Liam’s hand is resting on his thigh and even though Zayn knows it’s a bad idea to let it be there, he can’t find it in himself to move it. “I know everyone’s been thinking that I’m a beta, but the truth is I’m actually an o…omega,” he rushes out.

There’s a beat of pure silence before the studio erupts into screams and cheers. Zayn is taken aback by the sudden wall of sound in the studio, as are the other boys. A quick glance to the others show Harry across to Louis, Niall laughing, Liam smiling tightly, and Louis looking for all intents and purposes amused. There's tension around his eyes and smile that give away his discomfort. 

Josh looks the most genuinely happy. Considering he gets to break the big news about Zayn, it's not surprising.

"Alright alright--alright okay now..." He continues for almost a minute straight to quiet the audience, until finally their shouts die down.

"Christ boys, what a storm you've created!" The boys all laugh, Zayn's laughter sounding false even to his own ears. Liam's hand squeezes his thigh in comfort and it grounds him. "So. Omega," Josh says, looking straight at Zayn. He nods slowly. "Now I...where do I even begin?!"

Zayn smiles benignly. "Yeah, yeah I know it's quite a shock I imagine."

"Shock indeed! Tell us then, how did this happen exactly? Did you present late or was this something you actively chose to hide?"

"Uh, both actually. I presented pretty late and by that time people were already printing me out to be beta. It was actually just easier to go with it."

"Now I don't imagine you meant to lie about it--"

Zayn shakes his vehemently, "No, definitely not."

"Right, so I mean, it certainly explains the lack of love life on your end I suppose. Now Harry, Liam, and Louis have all been tied to others in the past, and if I remember right, Niall too was just spotted around a bit last year. Does that mean that you have someone now? Has there been an alpha in the picture this whole time?"

Zayn chuckles, genuine mirth, wry though it is, pouring out when he realizes the irony in Josh's observation. "I mean, there's no one in the immediate picture," he answers cheekily.

"Oh ho! So there's someone you've got your eye on then?"

Zayn freezes, having no idea how he was able to extrapolate that from what Zayn had said. He's shit about lying though, and Zayn knows better than to try. 

"I guess; like, I find some alphas fit, of course--" He's forced to break off thanks to the eruption of another round of screaming and cheering from the audience. He tries not to tense up, smile frozen on his face.

"Looks like you've got the audience excited--I gotta say, you've got me pretty excited too. Any chance you can give us a hint of who it is?"

Zayn mentally groans. Now he understands firsthand how much Harry must hate this question. "Er—"

“At least tell us this, do us male alphas have a chance?”

He knows he's driving a nail in his coffin but answers honestly anyway, "Yeah, I'm pretty partial to blokes."

The audience cheers again. Josh grins at the boys before turning to look at the camera and announcing, "Alright well, with that big announcement, we're gonna take a break! When we come back I'll be grilling these boys on their new album and reality TV show rumors, so don't change that channel!" 

x x x 

After that Zayn's name is on everyone's tongue and on every gossip magazine's cover. He gets messages on his phone from friends, celebrity and otherwise, all sending him support. It warms him to know how understanding his friends are. No one accuses him of lying or confronts him for his deceit, everyone just sends him love. 

It makes things in his life easier. The other lads still constantly give him touches and hugs to show they care, but after weeks of this, Zayn finally starts getting used to it and stops tensing every time Louis squezes his hand or Liam pulls him into a hug.

As Zayn lies awake one night in his bed, his flat in London warm despite the chilly October air outside, he can't help a frissure of jealousy that arises when he thinks about the news Louis had confided to him last night.

He, along with everyone else close to them, had known for years the bond between Louis and Harry was a strong one, but Louis was finally ready now to mate with Harry. They'd lived together for years now, and although Harry had been the first to help Louis through his heats and had done so since getting together, they had yet to officially bond.

Thinking about it, Zayn is equal parts happy for his best friend but also envious. Harry is a good alpha--kind, compassionate, _fair_. As far as Zayn is aware, he always puts Louis' needs above his own and has never pressured him into anything. It's none of that which causes the bubble of envy though, it's the simple fact that Harry dotes on and loves Louis the way Zayn wishes someone would dote on and love him.

And he wishes that someone were Liam.

Harry and Louis fit together in a way Zayn is sure he and Liam fit together. Where Zayn is quiet in public, Liam is open. Where Zayn is talkative and earnest with his closest friends, Liam is laid back and enjoys taking in everyone else's chatter. Liam cares about the needs of others and is fiercely protective of his friends, even if he doesn't always express it with tact, while Zayn still has trouble sometimes being open about his feelings and letting people know when he needs help.

Liam is strong where Zayn needs strength; Zayn is diplomatic where Liam is weak. Together, they can be as rowdy and troublesome as Louis and Harry, or as relaxed and mature as their management teams needs them to be. Put simply--

They just fit.

The other thing that has Zayn out of sorts is the fact that he's due for his first real heat in years this week. Mostly Zayn is anxious, but there's a small part of him that's morbidly excited too. It's obviously not going to be easy. He has the faint memory of his first heat still in the back of his mind, but this heat provides him an opportunity to explore his body and sexuality in a way that was previously unavailable to him. Obviously he wishes he had an alpha mate to help him through it, but at least this way he'll know his body's reactions better when he does finally share his heat with someone.

Everyone was more than understanding when he informed them a few days ago that he'd need the week off for his heat. If anything, some people on the team seemed to walk on eggshells around him, as though now that Zayn is out as an omega, he's delicate and needs to be taken care of.

It had been disconcerting, to say the least, when his manager had called him privately and asked if he wanted an alpha arranged to help him through his heat. Zayn knows there are plenty of omegas that have alphas, not bonded to anyone, help them through their heats. While Zayn is grateful for the offer, he adamantly told his manager he would be spending this heat alone.

His cell phone ringing forces Zayn from his thoughts.

"'Ello?"

"Zayn, hey man, it’s Liam.”

Zayn would have known that if he’d checked his caller ID before answering. Despite being caught unawares, he smiles at the sound of Liam’s voice. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Not much really. Just wanted to call and see how you were.”

Rolling over onto his back, Zayn stretches out his legs and breathes out slowly, feeling like a huge amount of tension he’d been dealing with all day has been melted out of him. He knows it’s thanks to the sound of Liam’s voice. Even this pseudo closeness, over the phone, helps release the tension, which Zayn knows stems more from his attachment to the alpha than his impending heat.

“Still doing good,” he says slowly. “Not due for…you know…for another day or so.”

“Oh yeah? That’s…that’s good. Uhm, listen I was wondering…”

“What’s up?”

“I mean, I know it’s cutting it close and all, but if you’re up for it, think I could come over today and just, you know, chill with you for a bit? Feels like we haven’t had time just the two of us in ages. Would be nice to see you without work stuff going on around us.”

Zayn bites his lip, deliberating Liam’s suggestion. He _knows_ it’s a bad idea, this close to his heat—especially considering his attachment, that Liam still doesn’t know about—but Zayn has also always been weak where it came to Liam. Even if he knows it’s a bad idea, that doesn’t change the fact that there’s nothing Zayn wants more than having Liam close. All the time really, but he’ll settle for a day in with the alpha if that’s all he can get. 

Against his better judgment, Zayn agrees and tells him to come over in an hour, giving Zayn some time to get ready and mentally prepare himself for what is sure to be a few hours of heaven and hell with Liam.

**TBC**


	6. VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So glad people like the fic so far! I hope you won't be too disappointed by this chapter. It is definitely in the NC17 rating, but as I mentioned previously, we're still very much all about Zayn here. That will change eventually, of course, but we've got a long road until then. 
> 
> ProTip: Always always always thoroughly wash your sex toys, and if you can't wash them in the moment, slip a condom on. Trust me, you absolutely do not want to introduce any kind of infection into your body. Safety first everyone :)
> 
> As always, feedback is appreciated! Lemme know what you think or if you have any questions :)

All things considered, it’s Liam that looks like hell when Zayn opens the door to let him into his apartment.

“Everything okay mate?” Zayn asks in concern, following behind Liam as he walks into the living room and flops onto the couch.

“Wha—Yeah, everything’s great,” Liam says. Zayn doesn’t quite believe him and takes a seat next to him on the couch. He knows he’d be safer on another seat away from Liam, if only for his peace of mind, but as always, he’s weak to resist against his feelings, which are screaming for him to get even closer.

“No offense Li, but you look…not the best. What’s wrong?”

Liam laughs, sound hollow with no real mirth. “Nothing Z, really. Just been feeling kinda off lately.”

“How do you mean?”

Liam shakes his head, trying to get his thoughts together. He shifts to tuck one leg beneath him and turns his body to face Zayn more fully, answering after a moment, “I dunno how to explain it really. Like, I have no appetite, but feel like I’m hungry, if that makes sense? Or not hungry, exactly, but like I need something. Kinda like I left my lunch money at home or something I guess, like I’m missing something.”

It could be a coincidence, Zayn thinks to himself, but Zayn isn’t stupid and he doesn’t think there’s a chance in hell Liam’s odd feelings are unrelated to Zayn or his attachment to the other alpha.

Despite that, with his heart pounding, Zayn breathes deeply and plasters what he hopes passes for a comforting smile. “Maybe it’s just the stress of everything going on? I’m sure it’s nothing.”

Liam scoffs. “If any of us have a reason to be stressed, it’s you Zayn, not me.”

“Not true,” Zayn argues, shaking his head. “Since coming out, it’s affected all of us.”

“But none of us as much as you.” Zayn shrugs, knowing there’s no way to argue that. “Well anyway,” Liam continues, “I didn’t come here to pile more on your plate. Did you eat yet? We could get lunch if you’re up to it? Or just watch some TV or something?”

“I haven’t eaten yet, but I’m not up for going out. I can make some sandwiches for us,” Zayn says and starts to get up. Before he can, Liam is up on his feet, pushing him back down.

“Sit, relax. I’ll make us something and bring out here.”

“Liam—”

“Sh. Lemme do this for you. You look tired and you’ll be pretty exhausted in another day or two. Save your energy,” Liam says, leaving no room for argument. Zayn would try to protest further but Liam gives him a sweet smile before he turns around to go to the kitchen and it feels like Zayn’s heart stops beating, seeing a look like that directed at him. 

The whole time Liam’s puttering about in the kitchen making them a late lunch, Zayn sits on his couch glowing, and hating himself for it.

x x x

It starts in the early hours of the very next morning, earlier than Zayn or his doctor had anticipated. Had Zayn been in a state of mind to think about it, he’d have realized it was probably instigated early thanks to Liam’s presence the day before.

As it is, Zayn wakes up around 5:30 am, still dark out and the room feeling stuffy. It’s not unbearable yet, just uncomfortable, but even now Zayn can feel the difference between this real heat and the fake ones he’s had since going on the pill. 

His skin feels itchy. He rubs his arms and chest, massaging his nipples before he knows what he’s doing just to get some relief. It kind of works.

Minutes drag on and he realizes his breath is getting shorter, feeling like he’s run several times around the block. Soon enough, an hour or so after waking up, he starts to sweat and kicks the sheets off his body before they feel like they’re choking him.

Luckily he hasn’t felt any slick from his hole yet, and he’s only just starting to feel aroused. It’s like he’s getting aroused while he has the flu, though luckily his body doesn’t ache the way normal sickness makes him ache. 

Surprisingly, his head feels pretty clear so far. He knows he should get up and brush his teeth, eat something, at the very least down a bottle of water and take one last shower while he still can. Zayn closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, gathering his strength.

With a herculean effort, he hoists himself out of the bed and stumbles to his bathroom. He relieves himself quickly and brushes his teeth, setting the tap as cold as he can get the water. It feels amazing against his skin.

He manages to choke down some cereal, though he finds himself chasing each spoonful of cereal with refreshingly cool milk straight from the carton. After that, limbs beginning to tremble and the sun illuminating his flat, Zayn grabs as many bottles of water as he can fit in his hands from his fridge and makes it back to his room. He dumps them all in the space next to his bed for easy access when he’s (hopefully) cognizant enough to drink in the coming hours.

He wants more than anything to crawl into bed and curl up and pray for his heat to just go away, but he knows that’s entirely useless. With the last of his strength, Zayn takes a short but cold shower and dries himself off haphazardly in his room. He doesn’t bother dressing because there’s no point.

Hands shaking, he opens the bedside drawer and pulls out the things he’d hidden inside a few days ago, shopping to stock up on stuff he knew he’d need. 

Two dildos, both vibrators though only one has a knot at the base that Zayn doubts he’ll even attempt to pop inside his hole. Both are made of soft silicone but stiff thanks to the battery cartridge at the ends and the vibrating mechanism running down the centers. 

They’re long and thick. Zayn knows they’ll fit but having no experience with the real thing, has no idea whether they’re average sized, bigger, or smaller. Frankly he doesn’t care. He just hopes they’re enough. The one with the knot at the bottom is slightly thicker in girth and longer, though its vibration, when he’d played around with them the other day, hadn’t been as strong as the other one. He’ll probably save it for later.

From the drawer he also pulls out a large box of condoms. Despite the heat that’s taking over his senses, Zayn still finds it in himself to scowl at the box as he pulls it out and tears the cardboard to open it. The condoms were a lot more expensive than he’d expected and if he weren’t so serious about making sure he was safe, he’d have just foregone the condoms entirely and risked a minor infection from using toys he’d only washed with soap. 

While he’s sure they’d be clean enough to use for a little while, they’d be filthy after the first day and Zayn doubts he’d have the motivation to go to the bathroom and clean them properly. So, condoms it is.

He has his phone set to silent, water bottles on the floor, toys on his bed, protein bars on the bedside table, and his laptop next to him on the off chance he decides to look for some _visual_ stimulation at some point—he seriously doubts he’ll need to, if the arousal creeping on the edges of his senses is any indication. 

Zayn feels as ready as he’ll ever be for this heat. All that’s left now is to wait for the first sign of slick from his hole. It’ll mean his heat has officially begun.

He dozes for a couple hours in bed. When he comes to, the alarm on the table next to him says it’s noon. A quick check informs him there’s no slick yet, and Zayn uses the opportunity to grab some towels from his the clean laundry hamper. He considers trying to get some lunch but when he sits up, he feels it, a rush of slick down his inner thighs.

Fuck.

Sitting up against the headboard, pillows on the ground and a towel underneath him, a shot of arousal so intense it leaves him breathless races through his body. His gut clenches as he gasps, not even conscious of the hand that reaches between his legs, completely passing over his hardening cock and touching the rim of his hole.

It’s already slippery, the slick slightly viscous and sticky. It feels like cum but he knows it’s clear and doesn’t have the milky look of semen. 

This isn’t the first time Zayn has ever fingered himself, but it’s been years since his first, only real, heat and no matter how aroused he’s been in the past few years, nothing compares to what he feels now. He doesn’t even hesitate as he wiggles a finger inside himself. 

It’s wet and smooth, the way eased by the slick now dripping down his finger. He fits in another finger and experiments first with slow, deep thrusts before he suddenly pushes in faster. When he adds in a third finger, he starts a rhythm of fast, shallow thrusts that leaves him breathless and gasping, whimpering. 

_God_ but it feels amazing. Pings of pleasure shoot up his spine and he almost has to slow down because it feels so fucking good. He throws his head back and doesn’t even care when he smacks it hard against the wooden headboard. 

With his right hand pleasuring his hole, his left hand reaches down to pull at his throbbing erection. It’s hard to get his hands in sync at first until, frustrated, Zayn pulls his hands away entirely. As quickly as he can with his slippery fingers and trembling hands, he grabs a condom and rips it open before putting it on the smaller dildo. 

He’s so glad he put the batteries in a few days ago. With the condom on he teases it at his hole. Just feeling it at the rim feels amazing. He doesn’t even need lube—which he doesn’t have anyway—because after rubbing it around his hole for a bit, the tip slips in easily enough.

The stretch is wider than his three fingers. He pushes it in as slowly as he can stand to because _Goddamn_ at this point he’s so fucking desperate to come he wants to thrust it all the way in. Finally, when he’s got it as far as he can get it, he takes a deep breath and turns the cap at the end, turning the vibration on to its lowest setting.

Zayn comes so hard he sees stars.

x x x

“ _Fuck fuck fuck Liam fuck me, fuck me, please oh God, fuck me_ ,” Zayn moans wantonly.

Facedown on his bed, it’s the fourth day of his heat. He’s got the second, bigger dildo shoved inside him, vibrating at its strongest setting. There’s a layer of sweat covering his skin, the heat in his room stifling and practically choking him as he moans around the three fingers he has in his mouth.

Tears trail down his cheeks, salty in his mouth. He has the dildo in his ass shoved past the knot, feeling so fucking full he swears he can feel it in his throat. One hand in his mouth, the other grips his hair and pulls the sweat matted strands _hard_. And through all of it, he rocks against the bed to get friction on his painfully aching cock.

There’s cum and slick _everywhere_. On the bed, the floor, the headboard, his hair…Zayn even has some traces on his face from when he’d smeared it across his cheeks to pretend it was Liam’s.

Days ago Zayn had optimistically thought of this heat he was going to spend alone as a good opportunity to explore himself sexually. Discover his kinks, his sensitive spots, what hurt and what made him cry out in pleasure.

What Zayn hadn’t counted on was just how shameless heat would make him. Since the first day, Zayn’s heat has completely stripped him of his inhibitions and reservations—about sex, about himself, about Liam. 

Every time he comes, it’s with Liam’s name on his tongue. Every time he swirls his fingers in his cum and licks it off, he imagines its Liam’s semen sliding sticky down his throat. He’s come more times than he can count fantasizing obscene, dirty things he wants Liam to do to him.

He’s certainly discovered his kinks, Zayn remembers thinking at one point. But he’s been way too far gone to give a fuck how depraved his thoughts must make him.

Thoughts of Liam pinning him facedown to the bed, hand gripping his neck as he plows into his ass and keeps him immobile. Thoughts of Liam’s strength; his deliciously veined hands gripping the globes of his ass as he eats him out, slaps his cheeks as he fucks him; his arms bulging as he holds Zayn against the wall and fucks him hard enough to leave imprints on his back and bruises on his hips.

Thoughts of his thighs littered with bite marks from Liam’s strong teeth. Thoughts of Liam bending his knees back to Zayn’s shoulders so he can ram again and again into him. Thoughts of Liam clutching Zayn’s neck, cutting off his breath, and forcing him to moan Liam’s name again and again.

Fucking hell, Zayn imagines Liam all but destroying him. He wants Liam to take him from behind with a tie wrapped around his neck held securely in Liam’s hand. He wants Liam to bury his face between Zayn’s ass cheeks and eat him out until slick covers his whole face. And then he wants Liam to force him on his back and choke him with his cock thrust down his throat. 

Zayn can’t tell if these are real kinks he has and never thought of before or if he’s actually just that aroused that the idea of being torn apart and put back together around Liam’s cock seems as fucking perfect as it does. 

One thing that’s for certain is that Zayn’s phone is probably lying broken somewhere across the room. The second night of his heat, he’d found himself dialing Liam’s number, ready to beg for him to come over and fuck him until he bleeds. 

The only thing that stopped him was the background picture he’d set for his phone, of the five of them together. Just looking at their smiling, happy faces had been a strong enough dose of reality for Zayn to whip the phone across the room, where he knew he wouldn’t have the energy or state of mind to look for it.

By the fourth night, Zayn is done. He’s so fucking dirty and covering in slick and come it feels seeped into his skin. He’ll probably have to throw his sheets away—and the towels. He’s pretty sure the smaller dildo is broken. The only reason the one currently in his hole is turned up to the strongest setting is because he couldn’t find it in himself to replace the batteries. The strongest setting isn’t as strong as it was three days ago and even if it were, he’s probably desensitized anyway.

“ _Liam!_ ” Zayn cries out, pulling his fingers out of his mouth. A wave of despair that he has no idea how to explain rushes over him. When he chokes out a sob, burying his face into his pillow, he knows this time it’s from anguish and not pleasure. 

It hits him then. It suddenly hits him why pain chokes him up. He stops rocking against the bed, clenching instead around the dildo’s knot as it milks one final, pathetic orgasm from his body.

It’s because even stuffed with fingers and a silicone knot, Zayn has spent the past four days of his heat empty. No mate. No alpha. No Liam.

And that, essentially, is what it comes down to, what it _always_ comes down to. 

He squeezes his eyes shut tightly as he reaches behind him to slowly pull the dildo free. His hole clenches around nothing several times and he knows, as he turns the vibrator off and tosses it to the floor without even bothering to take the condom off, that he’s going to suffer severe anal gape for a good while.

He collapses, boneless, on his bed, lying flat on his front. It’s easy to hide his quiet tears, the silent cries, because all he has to do is turn his face into the corner of the dirty towel. It’s easy to pretend his body trembles from the intense self-stimulation he’s put it through in the past four days. It’s easy to tell himself he’s going to be okay, because he’s been telling himself that for years—what’s once more?

But it’s hard to deny how fucked he is, right then, in that moment. This isn’t just the pain of a finished heat, or one spent without an alpha or mate. This is the feeling of rejection, the realization that his mate hasn’t accepted him. 

Even if his brain knows one thing, that Liam and him aren’t mates, his body has endured several years of an unfulfilled attachment and this heat, spent alone, has triggered a rejected response. 

His mind cruelly calls forth thoughts of Liam—his smile, his kindness, his compassion. The quiet way he directs the band. The way he cares about what people say about him and his bandmates and tries so hard not to lose it when they get hurt. The way he held Zayn in that Starbucks bathroom all those months ago. 

It’s hard to deny to himself anymore that Zayn loves Liam Payne, and it’s harder still to deny anymore that Liam doesn’t love Zayn back and that _is_ rejection, tacit may it be.

So with a shaky breath, Zayn turns onto his back, facing the ceiling with the last of his strength, and cries.

**TBC**


	7. VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm officially fucked on my wordcount, but I'm gonna do my best to catch up, I swear. I should be over 25k right now, and I'm...not. However, that just means there will be some long ass chapters coming to catch up! 
> 
> In more serious news, I want to express my condolences to the victims of the tragedies from November 12th and 13th. Any words I say are useless platitudes beside the horror and tragedy that shook the world, but the human soul is resilient and enduring. Those who seek destruction and the end of freedom don't realize that they're trying to snuff a flame that can no longer be burned out. So don't succumb to fear or despair, because we are already stronger than they will ever be.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, thank you for your support and encouraging words :) Feedback is always appreciated! (Also, I very briefly looked this over before posting, so I apologize in advance for any and all mistakes!)

“ _Go tell that long tongue liar, go and tell that midnight rider, tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter, tell'em that God's gonna cut you down…_ ”

Zayn nods his head along to the beat, feeling mellow and calm for the first time in what feels like ages. He finds himself soothed to the deep timbre of Harry’s voice as he croons the words to Johnny Cash’s iconic song. Louis stomps and claps, Niall provides the guitar, and it all comes together in perfect harmony. Zayn thinks he could probably fall asleep on Louis’ couch like this.

“Jesus Harry, we should give you a solo where you just hum all low like that,” Niall says as the song finishes. He strums random chords on the guitar to fill the silence.

Zayn finally sits up as Louis laughs, getting up from his place on the couch. Zayn watches him make his way into his and Harry’s kitchen.

“I’ve tried telling him loads of times how good his voice is for low melodies. He _insists_ he sounds best with rest of us.”

“Well that’s a given,” Niall says, winking at Zayn and shooting them all a bright grin. “But I’m serious. That was ace man, spot on the pitch.”

Leaning back into the seat, Zayn can’t help but smile as Harry ducks his head in abashment. “Thanks man.”

Louis says something in response but Zayn misses it entirely because he only then notices something on his neck that he definitely hadn’t noticed until then, not until Louis pulled his shirt down slightly to scratch at his shoulder. 

He disappears into the kitchen and Zayn doesn’t even realize he’s moved until he’s stepping over Harry’s long legs to follow Louis into the kitchen.

“Need another beer?” Louis asks, bent over with the fridge door open. He pulls out a carton of strawberries.

Zayn shakes his head when offered one. “Lou, did you guys—?”

“Hm?”

“Sorry mate, I just…” He pulls his shirt to the side, and that’s when Louis gets it.

Immediately Louis turns red, but there’s no mistaking the excited twinkle in his eye. He puts the strawberries on the counter and his grin widens as he pulls his shirt down, exposing his left shoulder.

“Yeah Z, we did. Last week, when you were, you know, in heat.”

Zayn steps closer, mesmerized. He’s never seen a bond bite up close before. It looks almost identical to the pictures he’d seen—an oval of teeth marks, indents forever imprinted into Louis’ skin from Harry’s top and bottom teeth. 

Alphas bonded to omegas always give them the bite, but less common is an omega’s bite on their alpha. While it happens, not as many couples do it. Zayn doesn’t need to ask to know Harry’s got Louis’ bite somewhere on his body. If he knows Louis, it’s probably somewhere Harry can show off easily.

Despite the grief he’s been walking around with for the past week, since the end of his heat, Zayn finds himself smiling genuinely for the first time since then. 

“God Lou, I’m so happy for you,” he gushes, pulling Louis into a tight hug. “You and Haz are so lucky to have each other. You’re perfect together.”

Louis smiles warmly, face going soft in a way Zayn’s only ever seen in regards to Harry. 

“Thanks Z. Mum kinda freaked a bit when I told her. Which I get, you know? We’re practically still kids. Harry _just_ stopped being a teenager,” he says chuckling. He looks past Zayn, and the younger omega knows he’s looking at the back of Harry’s head through the doorway. “But he’s it for me. I know he’s it for me.”

“What’s it like now?” Zayn asks, leaning against the counter and taking a strawberry between his fingers. “And who all else knows?”

“Harry’s gonna tell Niall now. We’ll tell Liam whenever he decides to grace us tonight with his presence.” It takes every ounce of control Zayn has not to visibly freeze up at the mention of Liam’s name. He hasn’t seen him since the day before his heat, though they’ve texted since then.

Despite himself, Zayn find his breath suddenly escaping him, heart pounding. He bites hard into another strawberry for something to distract himself with.

“Mum knows of course, but I don’t think we’re telling the girls yet,” Louis continues, noticing but trying to distract Zayn from his discomfort. “Harry told Anne and Gems. Obviously we told Simon, and he’s gonna get a list of people that should know now. Honestly I don’t think it’s gonna take long before the press figure it out. It’s a bit hard to miss.”

Zayn nods. “You feel any different?”

A look of consideration passes over Louis’ face. “Not about Harry or anything, but everything is…more intense,” he finally says, thoughtfully. “I get glimpses of Harry’s feelings, like when he’s upset or frustrated. He says he feels that from me too. When we’re close to each other, like, the distance we are now, I get like…I dunno how to explain it really, it’s like an _instinct_ or something, if that makes sense? Like he doesn’t have to say anything to me, but I’ll know when he wants to sleep and I’ll turn off the TV, or he’ll know if I’m thirsty and just get up without saying anything and get me a glass of water.

“Honestly Z it’s…it’s really something else. We’re completely in sync now, it’s a little scary.”

Zayn laughs. “I can’t imagine you any more in sync than you were before. But that’s great Lou, I really am happy for you.”

If Zayn is honest, he can’t the bubble of jealousy that arises as Louis smiles warmly. He genuinely is happy for his friends, because he _knows_ just how perfect they are for each other. But he also can’t help but wish that for himself.

It sucks even more that while Zayn suffered this past week from a solo heat and the grief of a rejection, Harry and Louis were getting mated to each other. Zayn isn’t petty enough to be bitter but he’s weak enough to feel jealous.

“Well, that’s it really for me and Harry. Tell me about your heat,” Louis demands.

“Do I have to? It’s kinda personal.”

Louis’ stare hardens and Zayn finds himself sighing. “What’s there to tell? It lasted four days and I got through it,” he says firmly. 

“Something happened,” Louis asserts. “Even if you did spend it alone, you’re not nearly as blissed out as you should be. If anything, you look worse than before. Shit Z, did something happen?”

Zayn shakes his head. After a moment, he takes a deep breath and admits, “I guess I just…it’s stupid, I know it is, but I just, realized that Liam doesn’t want me.”

“ _What?!_ ”

“Lou?” Harry calls from the living room, concern in his voice. He doesn’t get up but Zayn winces when he realizes Harry probably felt the alarm Louis was feeling. 

“I’m fine babe!” Louis calls back. He grabs Zayn’s arm and drags him closer, so they can keep their voices down. Zayn isn’t sure why it matters—it’s not like Louis won’t tell Harry later tonight anyway.

“What the hell do you mean you realized he doesn’t want you? What hell does that mean?!”

Zayn can’t meet the other omega’s eye, feeling suddenly like a kid being scolded by his mum. “You know what I mean,” he hedges.

“You’re talking about rejection?” Zayn doesn’t answer. “ _Tell me_ , do you feel rejected?!”

Zayn shrugs. It’s all the answer Louis apparently needs, because the next thing Zayn knows, he’s being pulled into a tight embrace. “Jesus, I’m sorry man,” Louis says, concern thick in his voice. 

Before Zayn can reply with a lie about how he’s fine, there’s a loud knock on the door. He hears Niall says he’ll get it since it’s probably Liam. Zayn tries to pull away from Louis’ arms but the older man holds fast.

“Everything okay?” Harry’s voice comes from the doorway, and if Zayn felt like shit before now, he feels even worse knowing Harry is seeing him like this.

“Just a bit of omega drama babe. Go get Payn-o a beer and keep the lads busy in the living room, yeah? Zayn and I are gonna grab some ice cream down the street.”

Finally he lets Zayn go and he steps back so that Harry can invade the space Zayn had previously occupied.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Harry asks him, the worry in his voice almost thicker than the concern on Louis’ face. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but you do look pretty down.”

“I’m fine, really. Lou’s just being dramatic.” He offers them a strained smile, that he knows neither buys.

“Be careful please when you’re going out,” Harry says. He opens the fridge door and takes out a couple beers, holding three in his hand. Absently, Zayn is reminded of the time Louis mentioned how turned on he got by how big Harry’s hands are. His brain then thinks about Liam’s hands, which quickly turn to his thoughts from last week, of Liam’s hands spreading his legs, holding him down, fingers inching their way into his—

Zayn presses his hands to his suddenly hot face.

“Uh yeah, I think I do need some air,” he tells them. Harry nods, giving Louis a chaste kiss on the lips before shooting Zayn a comforting smile and clapping his shoulder.

He and Louis follow him back into the living room. Zayn feels like his heart stops at the sight of Liam lounging casually on the couch, arms spread out behind him and knees wide.

As soon as the two omegas step into the room, Liam stands, making his way around the sofas to stand in front of them. 

“Hey, how’re you doing? Everything okay?” 

Zayn tries to smile, but knows it probably came out more like grimace. “Yeah, yeah, fine. Everything’s fine. Louis and I are just gonna grab some food down the street.”

“Want me to come? It’s kinda late, don’t think you should go out now—”

“As I told my mate,” Louis interrupts, smiling but clearly getting exasperated as he latches onto Zayn’s arm and pulls him to the front door, “we will both be _fine_. We’ll be back before you lot know it.” He grabs a jacket for him and Zayn from the hook next to the door, keys already in his pocket, and rushes Zayn out the door before anyone can say anything else.

Before the door closes, Zayn hears Liam exclaim, “ _Mate_?” and laughs.

x x x

They end up at McDonalds, for no other reason than because it’s closest. That, and maybe Zayn has a craving for their chicken nuggets.

Luckily the place is pretty much empty, and the guy at the register looks too tired to care about the fact two multi-millionaire artists are ordering fries, nuggets, and milkshakes at half-eleven at night. Louis sits at a corner table, leaving Zayn to get the tray of food for them both.

“Everything we got at home is shit,” Louis says, stealing fries from Zayn’s carton. It’s a lie of course, because most of the food is probably stuff Harry has made, or food Louis convinced Harry to let them buy the last time they went shopping. But Zayn lets the statement stand as plausible reasoning for sitting in McDonalds when their mate and best friends are back in Louis and Harry’s flat.

Zayn sits there in silence for a second before smirking and saying, “I’m sure Harry brings you lots of greasy food whenever you need it.”

“Always.” 

They talk about pointless things for a bit, finishing two large fries between the both of them. These are the kind of moments Zayn lives for. The quiet moments with his closest friends. It’s not a lie to say some of his fondest memories are of him and his friends (his brain offers Liam’s name specifically but he tramples that thought down) sharing quiet moments where everything they do is just about relaxing.

He knows Louis wants to press him about his heat, and more specifically, the rejection he’s suffering now. Honestly it isn’t so bad, or at least Zayn tries to tell himself that. It only hurts every moment he allows himself to think about Liam, or anything that reminds him of the alpha.

His stomach clenches thinking about the very person he doesn’t want to think about. He pushes away the tray of food, appetite entirely gone. 

Louis gives him a concerned look, and Zayn hates it. He hates the way he makes his best mate worry about him, and he hates himself for feeling so weak. It’s just one boy, he tries to tell himself. It’s a fruitless way of reasoning himself out of his depression though. It’s not _just one boy_ —it’s _the boy_. The first alpha Zayn attached to.

“We don’t have to talk about this Lou,” Zayn says after a lull in the conversation, praying for Louis to just once believe him in his lie.

“No we don’t,” Louis agrees, and then he sits there with his milkshake in his hands, patiently waiting for Zayn to start talking, because he knows Zayn and he knows that even if Zayn doesn’t _need_ to talk about it, he will, given the time to get his thoughts in order and the opportunity to express his grief.

“It felt like someone punched me in the chest, when I saw him tonight,” he begins quietly after a moment. Instantly the relaxed atmosphere dampens. He takes a moment to let his mind delve even deeper in his anguish, feeling it close in all around him, sucking him down.

“I thought I was going to be sick.”

“But you’re okay,” Louis says to him firmly. He knows Louis is referring to the fact Zayn didn’t outright collapse. They’ve both heard the stories—omegas passing out from the rejection of their mate. 

There is, of course, a biological component to explain it more scientifically than as just heartbreak. The constant surge of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin released while an omega is attached to an alpha floods their system with happiness and affection. 

But attachments are only supposed to last a little while, because most alphas give their omegas the bond bite not long after the attachment fully forms. Potent hormones in the alphas’ saliva act as inhibitors to inactivate the reuptake of those neurotransmitters, allowing the bond to solidify and the omega’s hormones to stabilize. 

When the bond process is held off too long, disrupted melatonin—essentially from too many sleepless nights, and cortisol—from the stress of a prolonged bond bite, result in the feelings of hopelessness, anguish, and lethargy that poets always talk about as being heartache. 

It all makes sense to Zayn on a level of logic—but no matter how well he understands the semantics of it all, at the end of the day, it all comes down to the fact Zayn spends each moment feeling broken inside.

So yeah, Zayn supposes Louis is justified in his optimism in that Zayn hasn’t collapsed yet like other omegas put in similar situations. But it hurts all the same.

“I don’t feel okay.” It’s an impossibly difficult thing to admit. Louis, of course, recognizes how difficult it is, because he reaches over the dirty table and grabs Zayn’s hand, stroking the back of his hand with his thumb in a way he loves when Harry does to him.

“See, that’s the thing about heartbreak. It sucks until it doesn’t. When it finally stops hurting, you’re not just a stronger person, you’re a better you than you were before.”

“Yeah? How do you figure that?”

Louis grins. “Because you’ll never make the same mistake twice.”

**TBC**


	8. VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm gonna get a lot of frustrated readers at this chapter, because it ends in a very evil place. However! I promise this is the end of the short chapters. From her until the end of November I'm going to aim for them to be about twice as long, so hopefully that will mollify some :) I'm trying to predict how long the fic will be but right now it's tough because I'm still not ready to give into a permanent relationship between them both, and there's still a number of scenes I want to add.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for the support as always! Feedback is always, always appreciated :)

It’s not as simple as Louis makes it sound. For the next week or so things go back to normal, or as normal as things were before Zayn began his spiral into a state of rejection. 

Some days are better than others. Some days Zayn wakes up feeling okay, and breakfast and the newspaper and talking to his mum cheer him up enough so that when he meets up with the others to rehearse for the next tour, it doesn’t feel like there’s a hole in his chest.

But some days all it takes is one look at Liam on the phone with Danielle and Zayn feels sick, like his heart has dropped into his stomach. 

About a week after his and Louis’ talk in McDonald’s, Louis calls him up one night as Zayn gets his microwave dinner out.

“Did Harry mention anything about a car to you?” he asks as soon as Zayn answers his phone.

“Hullo to you too, and no, he hasn’t mentioned anything about a car. Why, what’s up?”

“I can’t be sure, but I _think_ Harry’s buying me a car.”

“That’s…great?” Zayn says carefully, more a question than a statement.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very down for a new car and all, but A, where the hell are we going to put it, and B, while Harry has good taste in cars, his taste is…very _expensive_.”

“…Okay…” Zayn honestly has no idea where Louis is going with this.

“I overheard him on the phone with Liam today. I think they’re gonna go look at cars tomorrow.”

Zayn can’t help but laugh. “Leave it to Harry Styles to buy a sports car on our break.” Louis makes an annoyed sound, and Zayn gets the distinct feeling he’s still missing something. “Am I missing something?”

“I need a favor,” Louis says in way of answer.

Immediately Zayn is on guard, because Louis’ favors don’t often come light. “What exactly is the favor?”

“Call Liam and ask to do something tomorrow.”

The younger omega groans. “God Lou, why on earth—?”

“Listen, while I adore my mate and all his expensive inclinations, I am _not_ sitting around while he goes off with Liam to buy an expensive car for me as a way to compare knot sizes with every knothead in the city—and don’t tell me that’s not what he’s doing because he’s an alpha, so it’s _exactly_ what he’s doing. So, I need you to call Liam up and do something with him tomorrow while I convince Harry to use our time together more productively.”

“Louis, are shitting me right now?” Zayn states frankly. “You want me to spend the day with the alpha that rejected me so you can have sex with your boyfriend?! Just tell Harry you want to spend the day together!”

“I already tried that Z,” Louis whines. “He told me he and Liam already made plans. But if _Liam_ were to cancel on him…” he trails off.

“What makes you so sure Liam will even agree to do something with me? And why couldn’t you ask Niall instead?” Zayn demands.

“Niall’s due for his rut sometime this week, so he’s holed up in his flat, as you so conveniently seem to forget,” Zayn rolls his eyes at that, “and trust me, Liam is such an alpha there’s no way he can say no to an omega, least of all you.”

Zayn simply groans again, cursing his best mate. 

How he’d forgotten about Niall’s rut is beyond him, considering he and Niall had discussed just a few days ago the possibility of Zayn spending Niall’s rut with him. Almost as soon as they’d brought it up, they’d shut it down, Niall because he didn’t want to complicate their friendship and Zayn because the thought of sharing another alpha’s rut, an alpha that wasn’t Liam, still made Zayn feel sick to his stomach.

With a long suffering sigh, Zayn rubs his face tiredly and agrees. “Alright I’ll ask him to come over or something. You seriously owe me one Lou.”

Louis laughs, in a way Zayn knows means he’s happy to get his way. “Of course Zaynie, of course.”

x x x

It smells like apricot pie in Zayn’s flat, and he isn’t sure if that’ll turn Liam off or not. Liam’s always had a more sensitive sense of smell compared to the others and he knows Liam’s not a fan of strong scents—hence the reason for the apricot pie smell.

Really it just smells really sweet, but that’s mostly because Zayn worried all night his flat might still have lingering effects of his heat. His brilliant idea that morning had thus been to buy baked goods—pie, as it were—and hope the smell of heating pie, and Febreze, would be enough to mask any residual heat smell.

When he’d called Liam last night after his talk with Louis, they’d agreed on Liam coming over around noon to grab lunch before hitting the city for some shopping. As Zayn takes the pie out of his oven, nearly burning his wrists in the process, he can’t help the nervous flutter in his stomach.

It all feels too domestic, too much like courtship. It occurs to Zayn to worry whether things might turn awkward on their day together, considering it’s the first time they’ll be spending a whole day together in a long time. If he’s honest, most of the awkwardness is on his part. 

It’s not like Liam knows about Zayn’s stupid attachment-rejection issues, and if Zayn has it his way, Liam will never know.

“Knock knock,” Zayn hears behind him and he nearly drops the pie tray.

“Jesus Christ Liam!” he exclaims dropping the tray on a coaster he’d set on his counter instead.

Liam looks embarrassed but chuckles an apology. “Sorry mate, you left your door open and I thought it was so I could just walk in. Oh man is that pie?” he asks, suddenly excited as he steps up next to Zayn.

Zayn finds himself feeling warm with Liam standing so close to him, enthralled with the pie. “Uh yeah, thought you might want some. Had a craving this morning,” he answers, hoping he’ll be forgiven for the little white lie.

“For sure, yeah. You didn’t have to go to any trouble Z, I honestly thought we’d just order in or something for lunch,” Liam says, suddenly looking worried.

“What? Oh! No, no don’t worry about it, it wasn’t any trouble.” As Zayn takes out a tray of lasagna from his fridge, he can’t help but think the whole situation feels suspiciously like a date. Which is stupid, because it’s obviously not the first time he’s ever cooked…and had Liam over to eat his cooking.

Moreover, it’s not like Zayn put any special effort into the meal.

They make small talk as Zayn sets the table, trying desperately to shake off the weird feelings he’s had since Liam walked in.

“So can you believe Louis and Harry?” Liam asks, after a lull in their conversation when they’re both almost done with lunch and Zayn gets up to cut the pie.

“Yeah, it’s crazy, innit…Well, I guess not that crazy,” Zayn amends thoughtfully. He takes his time cutting perfect, straight lines into the pie, keeping his back firmly to Liam so he doesn’t see the way his hands shake.

Talking about mating, even if it’s in regards to his best friends, makes those ugly feelings of rejection come back, amplified by Liam’s proximity. It’s not like he blames Liam in any way—he can’t help the fact he doesn’t love Zayn anymore than Zayn can help the fact he does love Liam, after all.

“Yeah, I guess it was always coming. But still, it’s a big step. Harry’s really young and Louis hasn’t really known anyone other than Harry. I mean,” Zayn hears Liam’s chair scrape, indicating he’s getting out of his seat, “when you think about _them_ , it makes sense they’d bond, but when you think about the circumstances…it’s all so crazy, right?”

He leans his back against the counter, looking down at Zayn. If the omega could, he’d be blushing. As it were, he’s acutely aware of how close Liam is standing next to him, the heat from his body radiating off him like a furnace.

“Well, at least they’ll never have worry about how they’re gonna handle their heats and ruts,” Zayn tries to joke. 

Liam shoots him a grin. “Yeah, but they’ll have to break it to the media they’re bonded together and that’s definitely not going to be fun.” Somehow Liam shifts even closer. “And I dunno, just because you’ve got a mate doesn’t automatically simplify heats and ruts. Sure they have each other, but they’ll still have to schedule breaks for them and stuff. And if anything, it might be worse now because we’ll be two members down each time, instead of just one.”

On a rational level Zayn knows that’s true. It makes perfect sense and he almost wishes he’d thought more carefully about that earlier. Either Harry and Louis considered it and decided completing a bond was worth it—which in Zayn’s opinion it is—or they didn’t really care and went ahead with the bond regardless. Knowing them as well as he does, Zayn doubts it’s the latter.

Zayn shrugs and moves away for a moment to grab another set of plates from his top cupboard. “Yeah, I guess that’s true. Good thing for me and Niall then, I guess,” he adds absentmindedly, putting a slice of pie on one of the plates.

“What do you mean?” 

“Huh?” Zayn asks as he reaches for the forks before he readies the other slice.

“About you and Niall? Why is what good?”

Even if his face doesn’t turn red, Zayn feels his face flame. _Shit, Christ!_ he mentally exclaims. He absolutely cannot believe that slipped out of his mouth. Now he’ll have to explain to Liam about Niall’s rut and what they’d talked about, because there’s no way he could convincingly lie about something else.

It’s not like it’s a big deal really, it isn’t any concern of Liam’s after all. And it’s not like he and Niall did anything wrong. Nothing even happened. Even still, Zayn feels inexplicably guilty as he fiddles with the slices of pie, avoiding Liam’s probing gaze which he _knows_ is trained on him.

“Niall’s in rut this week. And we…talked about me possibly helping him through it,” he admits. He knows, the second he says it, it’s entirely the wrong thing to say even if it is the truth. Liam immediately tenses, and Zayn feels like he’s done something absolutely terrible. He can’t keep his hands from shaking and this time Liam definitely notices, because he reaches out and grabs Zayn’s left forearm tightly.

“Zayn—”

“It’s no big deal,” Zayn interrupts, trying subtly to free his hand. He swears Liam can feel his erratic heartbeat through the small skin contact. “I mean obviously we didn’t. Spend his rut together. That would be weird,” he rushes out. 

Liam’s hand tightens around his forearm. In a moment of panic Zayn drops the forks onto the counter and turns to face Liam, praying Liam doesn’t see how much he’s trembling. If he thought Liam’s look would be one of comfort, he was wrong. Totally wrong.

Liam looks viciously angry, eyes set in a glare that’s accented by his clenched jaw. 

“Have you ever spent a rut with an alpha?” He asks harshly. Zayn can’t answer, frozen stiff. “Tell me!,” Liam demands, but the timbre of his voice is that of an alpha command and in all the years since Zayn has presented as an omega, it’s the first time an alpha command has ever been directed at him.

To say he loses it would be putting it mildly.

“No, I swear I haven’t, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry Liam—I-I swear I’ve n-never—I _wouldn’t_ —” 

Half of what he says is so jumbled Zayn doesn’t even recognize it, and the other half is the chaotic mixture of _sorry, forgive me_ , shame, and guilt he has swirling in his head, all competing and trying to run out of his mouth. 

Obviously Zayn’s sudden break down, which primarily stems from his irrational sense of having disappointed his mate, is enough to shake Liam from whatever strange fit of alpha anger he worked himself into.

The moment Zayn’s stream of apologies begin Liam’s face crumples in a mix of concern, fear, and guilt, not having realized he was going to direct an alpha command to his best friend, and definitely not having realized the effect it would have on him.

Liam takes Zayn into his arms, muffling his words by pressing Zayn’s face into his shoulder.

“Christ I’m so sorry Zayn, forget I said anything, I’m sorry,” he keeps apologizing, crooning as many words of comfort as he can into the omega’s ears. Zayn does eventually quiet down but he’s still trembling in Liam’s arms, and the alpha feels inexplicably worse as he rubs Zayn’s back.

“I’m really sorry Z,” Liam murmurs into his ear, fingers gently running through the shorts hairs at the base of Zayn’s scalp. “I swear I don’t know what came over me.”

That much is true. He really has no idea why he got so mad at the thought of Zayn sharing Niall’s rut with him. Crazily enough, just remembering it makes Liam tense again but he forces himself to calm down when Zayn’s breath hitches.

“No, I’m sorry, I dunno why I…I dunno,” Zayn says lamely. It’s both a curse and a gift to be embraced by Liam like this, strong arms holding him firmly to the alpha’s chest. He forces himself to loosen the death grip he hadn’t realized he’d been holding on Liam’s Henley.

“Should I…?”

“Hm?”

Liam doesn’t answer, and forces Zayn to walk backward until his back hits what he assumes is his fridge.

“I don’t know why I said that to you,” Liam says again, voice thick with guilt. “It was stupid, and unnecessary, and it was completely out of line, since I’m not—”

“Not what?” Zayn asks, but he already knows what Liam is going to say.

“Your alpha.” 

Zayn breathes out, feeling a weight crush down on his chest that has nothing to do with Liam’s alpha command, and everything to do with the ugly feelings of his rejection. 

“Please don’t, Liam.”

“Look I…I know I shouldn’t do this, especially after what I just did to you, and the fact you’re not my omega, but if you let me,” Liam says, ignoring whatever protest Zayn may have put up.

Zayn doesn’t say anything more as Liam spins him around and pressed him against the fridge. One arm comes up and Zayn, through sheer instinct, rests his head against it so that his vision is completely blocked. Behind him Liam invades and destroys any bit of space that may have separated them. 

Zayn can feel Liam all around him, in every space that was once Zayn’s. It’s the alpha embrace he hasn’t felt since the one Liam gave him all those months ago in a Starbucks bathroom, but it’s no less effective now as it was then.

The stress and tension weighing him down for so long seems to melt away as Zayn relaxes. It’s the curse and gift of these embraces—feeling like every pressure is one your alpha can take on and handle. On an evolutionary level Zayn can see the practicality of alphas having this method of calming omegas down, since stressed omegas would threaten offspring or their own health.

But for modern intents and purposes, it’s also an effective way of turning omegas pliant. Certainly that’s how Zayn is now, breathing slowly and sagging into Liam’s embrace. It feels perfect in all the ways it shouldn’t.

He wonders for a moment if Liam does this with Danielle; if her emotions ever run so wild he has to carry the weight for her. How Zayn’s feeling now though, high off the feel of Liam’s arms around him, not even thoughts of Danielle can ruin the perfect illusion.

“Stop thinking,” Liam says, voice soft and low, though this time not as an alpha command. “It’s a lot better if you don’t let yourself think about it.”

“How would you know,” Zayn slurs, almost drunken with comfort.

Liam chuckles, breath warm against his ear as he whispers, “Fair enough. I just remember that from school.”

“Did no one…ever…?”

“Hm?”

Zayn takes a moment to gather strength enough to finish out, “Ever…tell you how it…made them feel?”

Only Liam’s breath against his ear answers the question for a few long seconds. Zayn’s almost forgotten his question by the time Liam finally replies, “I’ve never given anyone an omega embrace before you. You’re my first,” he adds cheekily.

“Mine too,” Zayn says. “Embrace…and command…” He wisely doesn’t add attachment, though it’s implied—for him at least.

Liam tenses behind Zayn. “I’m sorry,” he says again.

“Don’t be.” It’s all Zayn has to say. Their bond, whether as just best friends or not, is strong enough that Liam can tell Zayn doesn’t blame him for it. Zayn is giving him an easy way out, not forcing them to discuss it. Liam almost resents Zayn for always being so emotionally calm about things like this, considering anyone else would want answers—like why Liam would get angry, or jealous, at the idea of him spending someone’s rut with them.

But Zayn says two words and drops it. He never seems to pursue things that affect him, that have the potential to hurt him—or bring him happiness.

It crushes Liam when he realizes that Zayn is letting this moment go, that as soon as they separate he’s going to go on pretending everything’s fine, even when Liam knows there’s been something bothering him for weeks—months, really.

Zayn will act like nothing happened and he’ll crack some joke about the pie and then they’ll go out into the city and pretend, again, that everything is fine between them.

Something seems to fall into place the moment Liam realizes, for the first time, that he doesn’t want Zayn to take the easy way out. And not just Zayn, but _Liam_ doesn’t want to just drop this.

“Try to keep your eyes closed,” Liam says softly. He shifts back just enough to gently take his arm back. Clumsily, he spins Zayn around but pushes him back against the fridge.

Using his body to bracket Zayn against the fridge, Liam cradles the older omega’s face with his hands. His thumb tenderly brushes against Zayn’s cheekbone. 

In the moment that Liam feels Zayn’s breath quicken, he comes to two realizations—

That he has never felt as right as he does in this moment, holding and comforting Zayn as alpha and omega, and that he has never wanted to kiss anyone as much as he wants to kiss Zayn right then.

So he does.

**TBC**


	9. IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg I dunno what happened last chapter but the responses just exploded! :D Thank you so much, it makes me so happy to see how much everyone enjoyed the chapter!
> 
> As promised, this chapter is much longer than all the others, and if I can manage another chapter this length by tomorrow I'll have caught up to the necessary wordcount! So cross your fingers :)
> 
> I went in a slightly weird direction with this chapter, but I have a solid plan for some future events so it was necessary. I won't give any spoilers away, but I am really excited because I can finally introduce some deeper plot devices.
> 
> I appreciate your feedback, it means a lot to me to hear what you think, so feel free to comment or ask any questions :)

Zayn’s first instinct is to pull away, and even as he doesn’t, he still thinks he should.

But Liam’s hands move to cup his face, the palm of his hand right at Zayn’s jaw brushing the stubble he swore he would shave. And if Liam is okay with this, then why can’t Zayn enjoy it, even if for just a moment?

A moment turns to two, turns to several, until Zayn has his hands at Liam’s chest, fisting his shirt. Zayn has his tongue in Liam’s mouth and every time he tries to angle his head away, just for a second to breathe, Liam groans and chases his mouth again. 

Zayn never realized how amazing kissing is until he’s kissing Liam. And now he doesn’t ever want to stop. Maybe a full ten minutes go by until Zayn wrenches away. His jaw aches something fierce, lips swollen and mouth wet from his and Liam’s shared saliva.

“Liam,” he whimpers, voice cracking. “We have to stop.”

“I know,” Liam agrees, and he leans in to kiss Zayn again. 

Zayn wishes he was strong enough to pull away, but doing so once had been difficult enough. Now Liam gives him no chance, bending slightly and grasping Zayn around the waist. In a move that’s far more coordinated than Zayn could ever manage, Liam turns them both slightly and hoists Zayn onto the counter.

It’s so easy for Zayn to lock his legs around Liam’s body, anchoring them together. He bends his head down to keep kissing the now shorter alpha. A sound escapes from one of them, probably Zayn, that only feeds the fire growing between them. Zayn can feel his heart hammering in his chest, fingers at Liam’s scalp that hold tightly trying to ground him.

Never in his life has Zayn felt so swept away. Liam’s arms are holding tightly around his waist and at some point that Zayn didn’t realize, they travel beneath his shirt to stroke the skin on his lower back. He does feel it though when Liam’s nails scratch down his spine, to his tail bone, almost beneath his trouser line—

“Wait, you can’t,” Zayn breathes out, pushing Liam away. The alpha freezes, face inches from Zayn’s, gaze nearly out of focus before he breathes in deeply. His hands fall away from Zayn’s body and he steps back.

“I…” Two more steps and he stops, far enough away that Zayn couldn’t touch him if he tried.

Liam’s hands fly to his face, rubbing over his eyes. “I…I don’t know why—”

“It’s okay,” Zayn rushes out. His heart is still beating wildly, skin feeling too tight. Liam looks at Zayn incredulously and Zayn can’t help the desperate laugh that he forces out. “Really, it’s okay. It’s just…the pheromones and stuff. My heat scent.” He jumps off the counter. “It’s just the lingering heat,” he finishes. 

“Your heat was weeks ago Zayn.”

His face feels hot as shame courses through him. Zayn doesn’t know how to respond to that, not understanding why Liam won’t just take the easy out Zayn is offering him.

It’s terrible. All of it. Zayn hates the way his body itches to be in Liam’s arms again, the way his lips feel warm from Liam’s kisses. His stomach churns as his head insists none of it was real, even as he’s flooded with feelings of sadness and despair.

Liam must sense the distress coming off him. His face crumples but he doesn’t make a move to hold Zayn again.

“You don’t have to make excuses. I kissed you because I wanted to,” he says softly. “And I’m sorry if you didn’t want it but…But you kissed me back Zayn.”

“I know,” he says, voice hitching at the end and hoping Liam doesn’t catch it.

“Why did you kiss me back?” His eyes flick to Zayn’s hands, balling into fists at his side.

“Because I—” He what? Loves Liam? Was desperate to destroy the grief in his body? Wanted Liam to kiss him and show him the love he’s been yearning for? “You know, I just…” he flounders, unable to think of anything to say.

Is this it, he wonders? Is this the pivotal moment when he comes clean and tells Liam the truth? That he’s loved him for so long he can’t even remember anymore? That he hates his girlfriend and wants to be the one Liam holds and makes love to? That his heat was unbearable because he needed Liam and the alpha wasn’t there? That he wants with Liam what Louis and Harry have? 

How can Zayn say any of the words when he doesn’t know how Liam will take them, but knows how they’ll affect the future of the band and their reputation in the world if word got out? He’d never had the same respect as the others since they’d debuted as a group, and even as a beta he’d had to prove himself time and time again. He was always the quiet one, the shy one, the reserved one. He was the one ignored for Louis’ jokes, Harry’s stories, Liam’s positive messages, Niall’s presence. He’d had to fend off hateful messages against his race and religion, had to fight to be seen as someone with worth in the group no matter what was said about his voice or harmony.

And all that he’d worked for, every inch he’d clawed for, had all but been lost after he was revealed to be an omega. Now he’s nothing more than an omega. His accomplishments are always second to his biology. Maybe it hadn’t been intentional in the beginning, hiding his sexuality, but it became something worth protecting when he realized how much he had to work for the same respect as the others. 

If he does this, explains his feelings to Liam, then his love for the alpha will take priority to his talent. It isn’t until Zayn is here, faced with the very really prospect of finally telling Liam the truth, that it occurs to Zayn that there is more to this than simply telling his alpha he loves him. There is more to Zayn Malik than his skin and the feelings in his heart. And he can’t give it up yet.

“I kinda…really like you Liam. A lot,” he says slowly. Liam relaxes, lips turned up in a small smile.

“I kinda, figured that already,” he teases.

Zayn smiles. “As in, love-level like,” he clarifies.

“You love me?”

“I’m attached to you,” he admits.

Liam looks shocked for only a second before his face breaks into a grin. He closes the distance between them and takes Zayn into his arms again, tucking the omega’s face beneath his chin. “God, why didn’t ever say anything Zayn? You’ve been on my mind for so long, years really. But I thought you just wanted to be friends, you never showed you were interested in anything more.”

Zayn’s heart pounds as he hears the words pouring from Liam’s mouth. The emptiness in his heart for so long is gently soothed. It feels…indescribable to hear the sentiments that he’s waited so long to hear.

Emotion wells up in his throat, making it suddenly difficult to breathe. Liam must feel the change because he pulls back. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” he asks, wiping away the stray tear from Zayn’s eye.

“Because I,” it’s nearly impossible to let the words escape, having held them back for so long. “Because I really, really love you Liam,” he chokes out, surging up to kiss Liam’s mouth again.

Their arms are tight around each other, unable to get close enough. The kiss isn’t as long though since Liam pulls back first.

“I wish we’d figured this out sooner, to be honest,” Liam says quietly, stroking Zayn’s cheek.

“Would it have changed anything?”

“Of course! You wouldn’t have had to hide for so long, you wouldn’t have had to suffer! I could have been there for you.”

Zayn nods, but it’s less because he agrees and more to show he understands. “I guess but, there was a reason I was hiding in the first place. And you’ve been with Dani for years Liam. I couldn’t just tell you my feelings and expect you to drop her for me.”

“I probably would have,” Liam admits softly.

Zayn shakes his head. “No, you wouldn’t have. Not only because management wouldn’t have approved, but also because that’s not who you are.”

Liam frowns as Zayn slides out of his embrace, stepping away to the table and taking a seat. “You’re not the only one here who had feelings Zayn. If you had said something—if I had ever thought _for one second_ you felt the same way about me, I would have done anything for us to be together.”

His heart flutters hearing the words. They hang beautiful in the space between them. They don’t erase away the ugly feelings of rejection from the past several months entirely, but Zayn nevertheless glows as he lets the sentiment wrap over him.

Liam leans against the counter, arms crossed over his chest. “I don’t even want to think about how difficult things have been for you. From hiding what you are to the attachment…I don’t even know how you managed to hide it, really.” Something seems to dawn on him then, as his mouth goes slack. Before Zayn knows it, Liam has taken the seat across from him at the table, reaching over and taking his hand in his own.

“You could have been hurt Zayn! We’ve both been taught about rejected attachments and the strain it puts on the omega, you could have really gotten fucked up!”

“I mean, who’s to say I didn’t?” Zayn tries to joke. It falls flat though. The look of regret on Liam’s face doesn’t lessen. “Look,” Zayn tries to sooth, “I’m not gonna lie and say it was fine, because it really wasn’t. But things would have worked out eventually.”

“How? When you finally collapsed?!”

Zayn winces, Liam’s grip tightening almost painfully. “But I didn’t collapse. And things would have worked out after I moved on and found someone else.”

This time Liam glares at him from across the table. “Well you don’t need to find anyone else now, because I can be there for you. I _am_ here for you.”

How long had Zayn waited for Liam to say those words? How long had he waited for things to be okay, for the ache in his chest to lessen and the knots in his stomach to loosen? It’s like the dawn is almost upon him, the first rays of sunlight finally breaking through the dark. So close—but not yet.

Zayn tugs his hand free and leans forward to rest his elbows on the table. “It’s not that easy Liam.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Zayn sighs, “it’s not as easy as we’re just together now. There’s still Dani to think about, and our contracts, and the band, and the ramifications of me going public with a relationship.”

The alpha blanches. “I’ll break up with Danielle—”

“You can’t,” Zayn says, shaking his head.

“And there’s nothing in the contracts saying we can’t date within the band. The others won’t care that we’re together, and as for what happens with the public…well, the public can sod off for all I care.”

A small smile teases his mouth even as Zayn’s heart beats faster. “You’ve been with her for years Liam. As much as I-I like the idea of you leaving her for me, the thing between you two isn’t something you can just give up like that. It wouldn’t be fair to her.”

“Why are you putting words in my mouth Zayn?” Liam asks, frustration tingeing his voice. “If you want to talk about fair, then how about the fairness in staying with an omega when I care about my best friend and want him more? I don’t get it—you tell me you’re attached to me, that you _love_ me, and when I tell you I want to be with you too, you give me all these reasons why we shouldn’t be together? Why did you confess to me? What exactly are you playing at?!”

“It’s complicated Li—”

“It really isn’t that complicated!” His voice deepens, clearly angry though not yet at the alpha timbre. “You either want to be together or not. Everything else—we can figure that out later, but none of it matters if you don’t want to be me with me.”

“Do you…” Zayn swallows thickly. “Do you want to be with me?”

“More than anything,” Liam answers without a hint of hesitation. 

Something akin to relief, but stronger, so much stronger, washes over the omega at the easy response. _He wants to be with me. Me._

“I want to be with you too,” Zayn whispers. “More than anything.”

Liam stands and pulls Zayn to his feet, holding their hands together down between them. “Then let’s be together.”

With a deep breath, Zayn agrees. “Okay. But,” he drops his head to Liam’s chest, so he won’t have to look the larger boy in the eye as he says, “not when you’re still with Dani. I won’t do that to her. It’s not fair to any of us and I…I don’t want to share you.”

Liam unlinks their hands to gather Zayn in an embrace, speaking softly to in his ear to say, “You won’t have to.”

They stand like that, quietly enjoying each other’s presence, for several long minutes before Zayn finally pulls away. He smiles, a genuine, content smile, as he asks, “Still want some pie?”

It isn’t until after, after Liam has finished desert and they head into the city to do some shopping, after Liam drops Zayn back at his building, after Zayn is in his living room with a beer and the TV on, that it occurs to him how many times that day he told Liam he loved him, and how many times Liam said it back—

None.

x x x

It’s nearly 11 by the time he and Niall settle into the hotel room, the evening still bustling in the way New York City always is. Zayn is so tired from the flight all he wants is to eat, watch a show or two on the TV, and fall asleep.

He manages the first two before there’s a knock on his door. It’s nearly midnight, Harry is spending the night at a friend’s apartment, and the security team wouldn’t knock this late, so he knows it can only be one person.

“Go to _sleep_ Nialler,” Zayn groans, even as he’s already opening the door.

Niall grins at him, carrying a bag of original flavor Goldfish in his hand. He offers the bag to Zayn before flopping on the omega’s bed, crossing his legs at the foot and his arms behind his head.

“Come on, where’s your sense of fun?”

“Back in London, along with my sleep schedule,” Zayn retorts. He takes a handful of Goldfish while switching the TV off.

“It’s not so bad. Plus we’re here for a week, so you’ll be rid of your jetlag just in time to fly again.”

“Yeah, wonderful.”

Despite his tone, Zayn can’t help but admit he appreciates the alpha’s presence. It’d been a tough flight, hours upon hours spent in an uncomfortable seat in a cabin he wasn’t permitted to walk around in since they didn’t want to risk anyone recognizing him. Of course, that hadn’t stopped several people approaching him or Niall or Harry for an autograph, but it hadn’t been as bad as it could have been, had Zayn made a spectacle of himself walking around the plane.

It’s nice having Niall to talk to anyway. Always so charming and easygoing, Niall could relax Zayn in ways he couldn’t quite achieve on his own.

“You know, since Harry’s out for the night and we’re not taping for Fallon ’til Thursday, we could always go out tonight. It’s still early, by city standards.”

“We’re not going to a strip club,” Zayn jokes.

Niall laughs, sitting up to kick his shoes off. “Very funny. ’Sides, I wouldn’t go to a strip club with you.”

His laugh chokes off as he registers Niall’s words. “Why, because I’m an omega?” he snaps. It’s not fair of him to be angry, he knows that. It’s not like it isn’t true. Even he’d wanted to, and even if they’d been able to go, Zayn wouldn’t have been very welcome at a strip club. It isn’t exactly appropriate, according to most.

“Nah, because Liam would kill me.”

“What? Why would he—”

“Come on man, don’t pull that on me. I know there’s something between you two.” The way he says it, Niall doesn’t seem angry or surprised. In fact, he seems to find it funny if anything.

But Zayn on the other hand _is_ shocked, because it’s been barely two weeks since that day in his kitchen, when he’d confessed to Liam and they’d admitted their feelings to each other. He’d only seen Liam a handful of times since then, both of them too busy with recording and their own personal things. They’d been texting daily, but nothing deep, and Zayn had refrained from saying a certain three word phrase to Liam since his realization that Liam hadn’t ever said it to him. 

If he’d expected things to change drastically, he’d be very disappointed now, but as it were, Zayn not only hadn’t expected big changes, he hadn’t _wanted_ any. Not until things between Liam and Danielle are over does Zayn want to begin something with the alpha, and considering the other omega is in France until the end of the month, another two weeks, there’s very little that can be done anyway.

“How did you know?” Zayn asks, not bothering to deny anything.

“I mean, I kinda suspected something for a while. But during the flight, I could smell him on you,” he shrugs.

“You _what_?!” Shocked, Zayn automatically turns his head to sniff himself, unable to recognize anything different to his scent.

“I mean, it’s weak, but he clearly scent marked you,” Niall explains. Zayn thinks back to last night, after he and Liam had gotten dinner together, and realizes Liam must have scent marked him when he’d dropped him off at the apartment. They had hugged outside Zayn’s door, though Liam smartly declined Zayn’s invitation to come in, respecting Zayn’s wish to not progress to anything more until other things had been settled, and knowing he wouldn’t have been able to resist had he been in the omega’s flat that late at night.

“Also…I kinda overheard you and Louis talking, a couple weeks ago.” 

Zayn’s face heats up, remembering the conversation. “Oh.”

“Yeah. It’s no big though. I mean, the others know, so I hope it’s okay I do too?” he asks uncertainly.

“What? No, yeah of course it’s fine. I’m sorry I never said anything before Niall. Louis knew because I…I needed someone to talk to, and as an omega I figured he’d get it. And Harry knew because obviously they tell each other everything.”

“You don’t have to explain Z, I’m not mad. Like I said. No big.”

They lapse into an awkward silence, broken only by the sound of Zayn’s foot tapping on the floor. Zayn doesn’t really know what more to say, but is glad Niall genuinely seems okay with it. Of all the ways Niall could react to the news that all his bandmates are in some way together, easy acceptance and nonchalance are certainly the best.

But then again, Niall has always been like that. Always supportive. Zayn had leaned on Niall for support and encouragement a lot in the past few years. He had barely batted an eye when Zayn’s omega sex had been revealed, had even given him an embrace when he’d been in his pseudo heat. So why would Zayn expect any different now? If Niall could handle everything they’d been through thus far, why should this be any different?

Something occurs to him then, and before he can think it over, Zayn blurts, “If you heard me and Lou talking, you know, about my thing for Liam and all…why did you…”

“Why did I what?”

Zayn swallows thickly. “Why did you ask me to help you with your rut last week?”

He can see Niall’s cheeks turning pink, and can’t help feeling intrigued. 

“I asked because…Because…” Zayn remains silent, waiting for Niall to explain, but the alpha seems too scared to answer honestly, and the silence stretches unbearably. Finally, Niall sighs deeply and admits, “Because I thought I could help. I didn’t think Liam would ever get it and when I heard you tell Louis about the rejection, I guess it just, it sparked this weird protective feeling and I didn’t like knowing you were so out of it. I figured since you’d just finished your heat, spending a rut with an alpha, a friend, could help you heal the grief from the rejected attachment.”

A car horn shrills angrily in the distance, the sound breaking the silence following Niall’s confession. Zayn sucks in a breath, feeling warm. “You would…do that? All that for just a friend?”

Niall looks almost hurt. “Zayn, you’re not just some random pub mate. You’re one of my best friends. So yeah, I’d spend your heat, or my rut, with you if it would help you. I would do almost anything for you.”

“Niall…” Whatever else Zayn may have said gets caught in his throat, a wave of intense emotion choking him.

“It’s just been hard for me, to be honest. Like, it’s easy for Louis and Harry to touch you and praise you whenever, because we all know it’s totally innocent, there’s no hidden agenda since they already have each other. And Liam with Danielle—whatever he could say or do with you would just be as friends. But Paul and my manager and Harry…they all told me I had to be careful, because I’m not with anyone, and neither are you. So I can’t touch you or be around you in case people think it means something more, since obviously you and me together would be the worst thing that could happen,” Niall adds bitterly. “It’s like everyone else can help you except me, and then we barely spoke after you officially came out, and it was just—” He breaks off.

“It was just what?”

“It sucked. It fuckin’ sucked. Like I lost my best friend. To your gender, to the public. Even to Liam. So I offered to spend my rut with you because at least that’s behind closed doors.”

The silence that follows those finals words weighs heavy. Zayn has so many thoughts he doesn’t know how to sort through the chaotic mixture swirling through his mind. A tangle of feelings also erupts in his chest, first sadness, then regret, and finally guilt. To know now that Niall had felt this way for so long and hadn’t said anything, to him or anyone else, is like a slap to the face. He realizes that Niall isn’t wrong though. When Zayn thinks back to the past few months, it’s evident that things really did change between them.

He grows hot with shame realizing just how much he took Niall for granted. He’d spent so much of his time anguishing over the unfulfilled attachment with Liam that Zayn had completely neglected his other relationships. Harry understood, since he got so much of the story from Louis, and of course Louis understood, since Zayn confided in him. Liam had been caught up with Dani and his family, but every time he’d reached out to Zayn, the omega had jumped at the chance to spend time with him, and they’d still texted even when Liam was with his family.

But Niall…Niall had been quietly slipping away and Zayn hadn’t even seen it. He swallows a lump in his throat at the thought of how much he’d failed his friend. Hasn’t he been thinking so much about how unfair it is that’s he’s constantly reduced to his biology? But that’s what he’d done these past several months—been nothing but his biology, nothing more than his heat and attachment and rejection. It feels like he lost himself without realizing it, though now it’s becoming clearer and clearer.

“Niall, I’m so sorry,” he says quietly. “You’re completely right. I really…I really lost sight of our friendship, and it wasn’t fair. I’m sorry that things were like that and I didn’t even realize it.”

Niall shrugs, lips quirked in a small smile. “You don’t have to apologize. It’s not really anyone’s fault, it’s just how things ended up being. I don’t want things to be awkward between us. And I don’t want us to drift apart either. I just want my best friend.”

With no hesitation, Zayn climbs onto the bed and crawls over to Niall, settling against his side with his face cradled on Niall’s shoulder. “You already got me, idiot. Always.”

Niall laughs, but shifts to wrap his arm around Zayn’s shoulders. Zayn moves his head to Niall’s chest to get more comfortable, breathing in the familiar scent of the other boy. 

“You gonna fall asleep on me?” Niall whispers.

“Already asleep,” Zayn whispers back. Eyes closed and breathing slowed, Niall realizes it’s mostly true.

x x x

On Thursday, after they finish taping the interview with Jimmy, Zayn feels so exhausted all he wants to do is go back to the hotel and collapse in bed. Niall and Harry go out with some of the staff to grab a late dinner and drinks, but Zayn declines the invitation to take the car back to the hotel.

He tries not to react when he sees the look of relief on Paul’s face when he tells him so. It rankles that because he’s public with him being an omega, suddenly now everyone is extra careful with him. More security, always a car waiting for him if he goes out, tabs kept on him to moniter where he is almost at all times. It’s annoying, especially considering it hadn’t been nearly as strict back when everyone thought he was just a regular beta, but Zayn accepts it with little fuss because he knows there isn’t much he could do otherwise. Maybe he could insist for less security, but the alternative is that everyone worries, and he doesn’t think it’s worth the headache.

The car is quiet enough that he nearly falls asleep in the backseat. It’s the buzzing of his phone that wakes him up from the light doze he’d fallen into.

“Hullo?” he answers tiredly.

“Hey, did I wake you?”

Instantly Zayn’s alert, a smile pulling at his lips. “Liam, hey! No, it’s fine, I was just dozing off. We finished taping about 20 minutes ago.”

“You guys headed for dinner?”

He shakes his head even though Liam can’t see. “No, Haz and Niall went out for drinks with the others. I’m on my way back to my room.”

“Everything okay?” The worry in Liam’s voice is impossible to miss, and it warms something in Zayn’s chest to hear the concern.

“I’m okay, just tired. Jetlagged still. Wait,” he stops, checking his watch that he hadn’t bothered to change the time on. “It’s like 3am Liam, why are you still up?”

He hears Liam laugh, sounding slightly embarrassed. “Yeah well, I just. I dunno. Wanted to hear your voice.”

“Oh.” Zayn hates himself a bit for sitting there, glowing at Liam’s care. “Well I miss you too,” Zayn blurts out before he can think better of it.

“That so?”

He rolls his eyes. “Mostly your ugly face.”

“Didn’t seem to think it was very ugly last week,” he teases back, though Zayn can just hear the smugness underlying his words.

“Shut up.” 

They banter lightly back and forth for the remainder of Zayn’s ride, until the car finally stops and he’s escorted back to his room. He continues to talk to the alpha even as he changes his clothes and washes the makeup off his face, cringing as he stains the white face towel.

His contacts out, teeth brushed, and lounging in bed with only the bedside lamp on, Zayn can no longer stifle the yawns threatening to break free, and of course, Liam hears it too.

“Guess it’s time for bed,” he says softly, after Zayn yawns into the phone for the second time in a minute. 

“Yeah, we both need the sleep looks like.” He switches the light off and slides beneath the covers. “Hey uhm…is everything okay?”

Liam doesn’t answer as easily as Zayn would expect when he says, “Yeah, everything’s good, why?”

He wiggles into a more comfortable position. “I dunno you just sound kinda off. Plus you called really late,” he trails off, hoping Liam will explain if there’s anything the matter.

“No, like I said. Everything’s okay.”

“You say that, but somehow I’m not really convinced.”

Liam laughs. “What else do you want me to say babe?”

The term slips out so effortlessly Zayn almost doesn’t register it at first, especially since Liam continues to joke. But Zayn can’t help but grip his phone tightly, heart hammering as the word repeats again in his mind. _Babe._ Butterflies erupt in his stomach.

“You still there?”

Liam’s voice suddenly cuts through Zayn’s wandering thoughts.

“Wha—Yeah, I’m here, sorry.”

“No worries, you’re falling asleep on me,” _I swear I’m not tired anymore_ “so I better let you go,” _please don’t_ “before I bore you to death,” _impossible_.

Instead Zayn nods to himself in the dark and replies, “You need your beauty sleep too, you know, gotta rest that ugly face.”

“Ha ha, so funny. Alright, goodnight Z.”

“Goodnight,” Zayn responds quietly, ending the call.

He puts his phone on the bedside table, plugging the wire in to charge it. He turns over onto his back and stares at the ceiling. With the dim light provided from the windows, he can see swirls of lights and shadows dancing on the plaster. His heart pounds as he keeps repeating the word. _Babe. He called me babe_.

It isn’t like it’s the first time someone has called him that before. But it’s the first time Liam has said it, in a context that isn’t joking or teasing. It had rolled off his tongue so easily that it’s clear it was natural for Liam to call him that. He smiles to himself, slowly drifting into slumber.

_What else do you want me to say babe?_

Perhaps, I love you too…

**TBC**


	10. X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting this, I've had spotty internet the past couple of days and have also been spending time with my parents before I head back to my sister's after this month. The response to last chapter seems pretty positive, but hopefully people will stick with me through the next few chapters, because now things get serious.
> 
> To reiterate a note I made way back with chapter 1: While I of course love the boys and their music, I don't keep up with their personal lives much, nor do I pay attention to their schedules that closely, so the timeline is totally made up here. For the sake of this story, they've finished their second album tour mid-September, and the new album drops in November, hence why it's the end of October here. Hopefully that clears it up before people get confused.
> 
> I've also sat and planned out about 70% of the fic now, and there's quite a bit more to go. However, never fear because I have my plan now on how things are going to end, and despite how bad things may seem at the end of this chapter, rest assured all will work out eventually :D 
> 
> Looking forward to hearing your thoughts! :)

A week later finds Zayn back in London. It’s nearing the end of October and the weather has a bitter chill to it that bites at Zayn’s exposed face when he steps out from his car to the slippery sidewalk. It’s been weeks since he’s had any opportunity to head to his studio and with the third album dropping in a few weeks, he knows promotion for the album and the following world tour will make it nearly impossible for him to do anything with his art.

Inside the studio is nearly as cold as outside, having kept the heating off in the months he’s been away. He quickly turns the thermostat up and begins clearing parts of the room up. It’s a wide, nearly empty space with full closets where he keeps his supplies and canvases. He pulls a large tarp from one of the storage areas to lay on the floor, before gathering cans of spraypaint and a large canvas from the back room.

Just the lingering smell of paint and clean canvas is enough to relax him. His mind feels clear for the first time in months, inhaling the artistic aroma all around him.

It reminds him a lot of Liam. Of pressing his nose in close to Liam’s skin and breathing in deeply. The sense of calm and home that floods over him is so similar that Zayn can almost imagine that Liam is there with him, sitting in the corner on top of a stool, watching the omega putter about setting up his work. Back when Zayn had first bought the studio, Liam and Louis had visited him several times to watch him work, Louis often pitching in to add his own color. 

It’s one of Zayn’s favorite things about art, the potential collaborative nature of it. Regardless whether it’s heavy globs of color Louis splattered on the canvas with a paintbrush, or Liam’s handprint in the corner, or some wild imprint from one of his cousins, the canvas looks amazing in Zayn’s eyes. Each one carries some essence of his friends and family, some token of their affection. It gives them presence in a space they couldn’t always be a part of. 

It’s similar to the feeling he gets listening to the band’s own music—knowing that people all over the world, people he would never have the opportunity to meet, are able to be a part of their creation. Perhaps it’s his omegan nature, or perhaps it’s just a facet of what makes Zayn uniquely _Zayn_ , but that sense of community that art, any art, whether paint or music, offers is one of his favorite things. It’s what makes art beautiful. It’s what makes art worth it, despite all the misery that may surround it.

It isn’t long before Zayn has shucked his jacket and shoes off, piled in a closet with his other clothes—the clothes he keeps in case he ruins his current ones. He dons a clean face mask to protect himself from the fumes before selecting a can from the table. 

He stands there for a second in front of the large canvas, almost as tall as he is. Just staring at the endless white is like standing at the edge of a cliff, the whole world expanding before him. The possibilities of what he could create, what he could say, are endless and infinite. He closes his eyes as he breathes in deeply, and when he opens his eyes, the message is clear.

From the second the color kisses the canvas, Zayn is lost. His mind and all his thoughts slow down and narrow to nothing more than the color at his fingertips and the canvas sitting patient in front of him.

He works for hours, mindless but with purpose. The only time the harsh hiss of the aerosol can is disrupted is when he selects a different color. Zayn doesn’t always listen to music when he paints because though it may not necessarily distract him, it can influence his mood, and sometimes he wants the creation to be purely his own thoughts, his own feelings, in that moment that he’s working.

Sometimes his thoughts drift to his mom, whom he hasn’t seen since being back in London. His hand reaches for a pale green when he thinks about her smile. Another time his mind considers Louis and Harry, and he holds a can of grey in one hand and red in the other, making dual serpentine swirls on the canvas. He makes a giant slash of orange when his mind jumps to Niall. And finally, at the end when he can no longer stop himself and his thoughts rest on Liam, he spends the next half hour on the left side of the canvas pouring all his feelings for the alpha into bright coils of color.

Eventually, when his shoulders and wrists ache and he can no longer ignore the slump in his back or the tired bend of his knees, Zayn steps back and appraises his work critically. Every splash of color his eyes fall to evokes a similar feeling as when he’d added it. He smiles to himself.

“Nice.”

Zayn jumps, spinning around with his heart in his throat. “Fuck, you guys scared the shit outta me,” he groans, breaking into a nervous laugh.

Louis and Niall grin. They’re sitting with their backs against the wall, legs stretched out in front of them. Zayn slides the mask off his face and drops it and the paint can on the table before heading towards them.

Niall has a bag of pretzels in his lap while Louis nurses a bottle of Coke, both of which Zayn is pretty sure come from the little kitchen in the corner.

“You know that’s disgustingly expired?”

“Nah, already checked. Only expired a week ago.” Zayn cringes as Niall and Louis both take a handful of more pretzels. “See? Only a little stale,” Louis says with his mouth full.

“Gross. How’d you two get in anyway?”

“Well you told Niall you’d be in your studio today and I still have the spare key I stole from you, so we figured we’d drop by for a bit.”

“How long have you been watching?” Zayn asks, suddenly self-conscious.

Niall shrugs. “Eh, like 20 minutes. You eat anything yet?”

He shakes his head. “No, guess I lost track of time.

“I’ll say. I dunno how you can stay in your ‘zone’ so long without getting tired or bored.”

“Well I just like it, Lou,” he explains, chuckling. “It’s relaxing. Plus, you two spend hours playing Xbox, it’s basically the same thing.”

“Not even. Call of Duty is an engaging and intellectual pastime.”

“Right,” Zayn scoffs. He finally caves and reaches over to snag a few pretzels, noting that they aren’t as bad as he’d originally expected.

Louis starts talking about how bored he was when Zayn, Niall, and Harry had been gone, and it isn’t long before they’re all joking and losing themselves catching up on each other’s lives. Even though they spend more time with each other than the do with anyone else, there’s always some new tidbit to discuss, some weird thing that Niall did or stupid thing Harry bought. For his part, Zayn laughs and makes fun of Louis’ mate and Niall’s habits, but offers little of his own life. Not out of a sense of privacy, but simple because not much has really changed since the last time they’d all talked.

At some point Niall had shifted to rest his head in Zayn’s lap, giving Zayn the opportunity to uncross his legs and stretch them out, knees next to Louis’ feet. His hand absently runs through the alpha’s hair, lightly massaging his scalp.

“Hey Lou, did Liam say anything to you while we were away last week?” Zayn asks finally, changing topic. He feels more than sees Niall tense beneath him, and even notices a strange look cross over Louis’ face before it’s gone.

“What do you mean?”

“I dunno, like, has he said anything to you about me? Or anything that’s going on in his life?”

“Why do you ask?” The fact that Louis doesn’t immediately answer no is what worries Zayn, putting him on sudden alert. He’s been feeling for some time now that there was something Liam hadn’t been telling him, but he’d always been able to brush the fear aside, telling himself that anything that might be bothering him, Liam would talk about.

But since their phone conversation last week, when he’d been in New York City, they’d only spoken a handful of times. Liam hadn’t been answering his texts very often and they hadn’t met up once. 

Part of the reason Zayn had decided last night to come to his studio today is because he’d realized that with the end of the month came Dani’s return from France. She’d been there for more than a month, and Liam had told him that when she came home, he’d break up with her. Zayn, after all, had told him that he didn’t want to go further in their relationship until Liam was no longer with the other omega. He couldn’t share Liam, he absolutely couldn’t, and he wouldn’t be a second omega to anyone.

After he’d realized that Dani was set to return this week, he’d figured that Liam’s strange behavior probably stemmed from his feelings of finally ending his relationship. Part of Zayn is happy knowing that he and Liam can be together soon, but a larger part of him feels sour. He doesn’t like the idea that he broke up a relationship, but he has to trust Liam when the alpha says that it’s his decision. If Liam is okay with ending the relationship, who is Zayn to say otherwise?

“He’s just been acting a little off,” Zayn explains. “Like when we talk, he always sounds like he’s distracted. And last week he called me in the middle of the night, said he missed my voice but…I dunno, I just keep getting this sense that he wants to tell me something but he never does. We haven’t even seen each other once since Niall and Harry and me got back.

“He told me he’d break up with Dani when she got back from France, and she gets back sometime this week, so I was thinking maybe it’s having to break up with her that’s been making him weird lately, but if that’s it, then why not just talk to me?” His shoulders sag, feeling small and suddenly unsure. “Maybe he’s…having second thoughts? Do you think that’s it?”

The silence that meets him has the fear in his chest suddenly tightening. He doesn’t say anything, waiting for either Niall or Louis to speak first, but it’s difficult to keep silent when he wants to tell them to leave so he can be alone.

It hadn’t occurred to him until he spoke the words aloud, but hearing them now Zayn can’t help but wonder if there’s some truth to them. Could Liam be having second thoughts? Or not even second thoughts, but could it be that Liam hadn’t been serious about Zayn? He feels rotten just considering it. The grief from several weeks ago, from the rejection, suddenly comes back full force.

Niall can sense the distress and grabs Zayn’s hand, squeezing tightly.

“He’s not having second thoughts Zayn, I know that,” Louis rushes to say as he senses Zayn’s sudden anguish. “He talked to me last week about something, but it’s not something I can tell you. He has to tell you himself. He made me swear I wouldn’t even tell Harry and let me tell you, keeping something from your mate is just shitty.”

“Why can’t you tell me?” Zayn demands. “I mean, it sounds like he’s dying or something. He’s not, right?”

“No, no, he’s fine,” Louis assures. “It’s not like that. And he does want you Zayn, he does, but this…thing, that’s happened its…it’s going to be tough. For both of you.”

Zayn finally realizes what the look on Louis’ face is, and it makes his heart plummet. 

Pity.

“Why can’t you just tell me?” he pleads. “Niall do you know what it is?”

“Wish I did mate, but I’m just as clueless,” Niall answers, rubbing his thumb over the back of Zayn’s hand.

“I can’t tell you because if I did, you’d probably never want to talk to him again and I don’t think that would be good for anyone.”

“This sounds really bad Louis, you’re kinda scaring the shit out of me,” he admits. 

“I mean, it’s not good Z, I gotta be honest. And I don’t know how you’ll take it when he does finally tell you, but whatever happens, me and Harry have your back. Always.”

“And me,” Niall chimes in. “Even though I dunno what’s going on either. But I mean, it’s Liam, how bad could it be?”

From the corner of his eye Zayn sees Louis flinch before looking away. He doesn’t have the courage to press any further, except to ask the other omega when he thinks Liam will talk to him, if he ever does.

Louis shrugs, handing him the bottle of Coke. “Soon. It’ll definitely be soon,” he promises.

x x x

In the end though, Liam doesn’t have to tell him anything. Zayn finds out himself the next morning. He’s paying for a six pack and milk at the corner store when he sees it on the stand. He’s never paid attention to the ragmags in the stands, knowing they always publish terrible rubbish about his band and the American celebrities but it’s not like he can’t see them, considering how bold and bright the colors and headlines always are.

And this morning is no different, when there, plastered in brilliant yellow capital letters the headline reads: _**WE’RE HAVING A BABY!**_. Beneath it the byline in white letters says, _She’s six weeks pregnant, and sources say the couple couldn’t be happier with the news. ‘We’ve even picked out names!’_

Behind the words is a picture of Liam Payne and Danielle Peazer, smiling excitedly at each other.

x x x

It’s cold.

The first thing Zayn does before he even opens his eyes is tug his blanket up to his chin, eyes closed tightly against the chill seeping into his skin. He wonders for a second if the heater broke sometime in the middle of the night.

But then he shifts onto his side and his eyes open slowly at the same time that he registers the sheets are coarser than he remembers his to be, and the blanket is nothing more than a sheet, nothing like the thick comforter he keeps on his bed.

He breathes in deeply and by doing so assaults his senses with unfamiliar scents. Whatever the hell happened last night can’t have been good, because he’s not even at home.

“Zayn? Honey, you awake?” 

Confusion hits him. “Mum?” He sits up, rubbing his eyes blearily. There’s a wire at his elbow— _an IV_ —and his mom is sitting in a chair next to his bed.

“Oh thank God!” She leans over, purse falling to the floor, as she envelopes him with her arms. Not knowing what else to do, Zayn wraps his arms around her and tucks his face into her shoulder, breathing in deeply.

“What’s going on? What happened?”

“You’re in the hospital, you collapsed in the cornerstore by your flat,” she explains, pulling back.

It all comes back to him in a single wave. 

The magazine.

Liam and Danielle.

 _Their baby_.

“Oh god,” he whimpers. It feels like he could cry, like he _should_ be crying, but no tears come forth. In fact, he feels exhausted. Like he’s run a race, only to be told he has to run it three more times to win. 

His mom sits back but moves the chair closer to the bed. Taking his hand in hers, she squeezes tightly before asking, “What happened? The doctor said you collapsed from an incomplete attachment but I…I don’t understand, you never said you were with someone?”

Zayn grips her hand like it’s a lifeline, as though he’ll collapse into nothing if he doesn’t have her to anchor him.

“There is someone,” he swallows thickly. “But it’s…it’s…”

He can’t say it. He just can’t fucking say it. He knows if he says Liam’s name aloud it’ll crush him, and he hates it so much. Hates the power the alpha has on him.

He squeezes his eyes closed and unbidden, his head falls forward as he brings his knees up. The injustice of it makes him want to scream, makes him want to lash out in anger and grief. How long does he have to suffer over this? he wonders. How long does Liam get to tether him to his side, there and gone, close and released, but never really his?

He’s been in love with his best friend for years, and everything had been _fine_ , and if not fine, it had been simple, up until that month when his suppressants failed. One awful medical failing and in a matter of hours his whole life was turned upside down. 

And now he’s here, sitting in a hospital bed with his mother, who no doubt drove all the way to London when her son collapsed, with no idea why. All because the nature of his biology leaves him weak to the affections—or, lack of, he supposes—from an alpha.

“I’m sorry mum,” he whispers. “So sorry.” His voice cracks, emotion thick in his throat.

“It’s not your fault,” she says softly. “But can you just tell me…who it is? Who did you attach to?”

He bites his lip hard. “Liam,” he breathes out, so quietly he barely hears it himself. But his mother catches the simple name, unable to mistake it despite straining to hear Zayn clearly.

She doesn’t say anything to the admission, simply leans forward and presses her mouth against where their hands are joined. 

“He’s…They’re having…” The words are nearly impossible to coax out. Zayn knows once he speaks the words, they’ll be true. Inescapable. Inevitable.

“I know. I saw.”

“ _She’s pregnant_ ,” he cries, the omegan whine pouring out. It’s not something he can control, an instinctual sound that escapes when an omega is in such distress they call out for help. Even though she’s a beta, his mother is nevertheless affected, and she drops his hand to take him into another embrace. 

The tears finally come, though silent. They leak from the corners of his eyes, dying in the soft fabric of his mother’s sweater.

“Please don’t cry, Zayn, please, it’ll be okay,” she whispers into his hair, “it’s okay, I promise you’re going to be okay…”

He swallows around the hiccups that suddenly erupt, breath getting caught. He tells himself this is it. This is the only time he will cry over Liam Payne again. Right here, in his mother’s arms, this is the last time he sheds any tears or wallows in any grief over the alpha again. Zayn is stronger than this. He made it his whole life working himself to the bone for every grade, every opportunity. He struggled and pushed and pushed to get where he did with his singing, and when finally given the chance to show the world that piece of him, he hid and changed everything he could about himself to be accepted. After everything he put himself through, and everything he pulled himself out of, he refuses to be undone by his body betraying him.

And when several long minutes of succumbing to his grief finally pass, Zayn pushes his mom away and calls for the nurse, ready to prove his mother right.

_You’re going to be okay._

Yes, he will be.

x x x

His mom leaves a few hours later, taking his keys to stay in his flat the night before driving home again in the morning. The doctor comes in a few minutes before she leaves to tell him they have to keep him overnight as a precaution, “ _Standard procedure_ ,” she tells them, “ _in case he has a relapse, which isn’t uncommon for omegas within the first 24 hours of a collapse_.”

It means he’s spent the entire day, one of his few remaining free ones, in the hospital. Only his agent gets a call to be kept in the loop, in case word gets out and it’s leaked to the press. Luckily the store clerk hadn’t recognized him before calling for emergency services, and the hospital staff know to be discreet. His agent faxes over a non-disclosure contract for his doctor and nurse to sign, though he’s sure it isn’t the first time they’ve signed one before.

At midnight he gets surprise visitors, though he supposes he shouldn’t really be surprised when Harry and Louis pop their heads into his room.

“Look at you,” Louis says, sitting on the edge of his bed and leaving the seat his mom had used earlier for Harry. Zayn can tell Louis is trying to make a joke, trying to minimize the situation, but the corners of his lips are tight his and eyes narrow in worry as he takes Zayn’s hand.

“How’d you guys know I was here?”

“Your mum,” Harry answers lowly. “She called to see if we could check in on you.”

Zayn nods and stares at the corner of the sheet. He flexes his arm for a second trying to shake out the stiffness in his elbow. He wonders if it’s possible to flex a heart the way you flex an arm, if perhaps every tug and pull of his heart that doesn’t break it only makes it stronger. 

“Thanks for coming. I’m okay though, really.”

“You’re in a hospital room Zayn,” Louis says, as if Zayn could forget.

“What happened?” asks Harry as he leans forward, biting his thumb.

Zayn sighs and feels stupid for having admit he collapsed in the corner store, and guilty for making his friends worry. Neither of them look surprised though when he says it, as though they’d expected it. Zayn wonders if his mom told them why he was in the hospital as well, but dismisses the thought. He knows she wouldn’t share something like that over a text message.

Considering what Zayn told Louis a few weeks ago, he supposes it’s not a big surprise where he is now.

“That was it though, right Lou?”

“What’s it?”

“What Liam told you last week,” he tries to ignore the way his voice breaks on the alpha’s name, “it was about the baby wasn’t it? That Dani’s pregnant?”

Louis nods but it’s Harry that speaks, his words slow like molasses but comforting in that way he has. “She told him the day after we left for New York. Whatever you think Zayn, he wasn’t keeping it from you. He called Lou to ask what he should do, how he should tell you before someone else did, but he _was_ going to tell you.”

A snort of disbelief escapes before Zayn can help himself. He shakes Louis’ hand off his own to tuck it beneath the blanket. “We’ve been back for days. He hasn’t asked to meet up or called or anything.”

“He was goi—”

“Why are you defending him?!” Zayn asks roughly, glaring at Louis. “How can you defend him over this? The story’s been all over the magazines and online since this morning, probably since last night, I just didn’t see it since I wasn’t on. He _knows_ I would have seen it by now, but he hasn’t called or texted or anything!” He breathes in deeply, anger surging within him. “What do you want me to do, give him a chance to explain? Call him myself so he can come over and tell me to my face that after weeks of telling me he cared about me, he has a fucking _baby_ coming with another omega?

“She’s fucking _pregnant_!” he yells, not caring anymore. Before he can stop himself he grabs the nearest thing to him, the plastic cup of water on the bedside table, and throws it across the room, water sprinkling over the bed.

Louis flinches, looking away. 

“She’s pregnant for fuck’s sake!” he repeats. “I told him I wouldn’t be with him until he broke up with her—well the jokes on fucking me innit?! Now they’re having a kid together and I’m the piece of shit for not being happy for them!”

“No one expects you to be happy,” Harry tells him. He leans forward even more, as though debating whether to try to reach out to him or not. “And things aren’t perfect for them either Z—Liam told you he would break up with her for you, and that’s not something he would lie about. If you just talk—”

“—You could work things out, I know it’s not easy but it’s not the end either,” Louis finishes.

The resentment that had been building engulfs Zayn as he stares at his friends. They’re happy, totally in love with each other. They’d been together since almost the beginning, when they’d first met at the auditions. Zayn remembers Louis even telling him about how he and Harry had met as toddlers at the park. He thinks about the picture Louis carries with him everywhere. _Fate from the beginning_ , he thinks bitterly.

Sure they dealt with the media painting Harry as a knotthead, and Louis as the troublemaker omega that needed an alpha to straighten him out, but despite having to hide their relationship, which who knows if they even can anymore now that they’ve mated, Louis never had to watch Harry be in a relationship with another omega for nearly 3 years while quietly pining for him. Louis never kissed Harry and had him tell him they’d be together soon, only to hold things back because of his relationship to someone else. And Louis never stood in a convenience store looking at a magazine cover telling him his alpha was having a baby with another omega. 

And that’s the problem, isn’t it, Zayn can’t help but think. For so long in his mind he’d kept referring to Liam as his alpha. He’d wanted Liam to embrace him, to hold him down, to share his heat with him, to be more than his best friend. But Liam _isn’t_ his alpha. He never was and now, he couldn’t be.

He thinks back to all those months ago, sitting on a bench outside a Los Angeles Starbucks, wishing he’d attached himself to Niall instead, and can’t help be feel the same way again now, even more strongly.

“Just stop,” he says quietly, the anger dying into exhaustion. “You don’t know what it’s like, neither of you. Liam and I will talk, eventually. But don’t fucking sit there and—,” he sucks in a breath, trying to choke down the whine that he can feel trying to come out, though a whimper escapes anyway, “—and tell me things are going to work out between us. Don’t tell me there’s some happy, fairytale ending to this for me when there isn’t.

“I’m going to get better,” he promises. “And I’m going to be stronger than I was before. But Lou,” he pins Louis with a determined look, “I’m not going to make the same mistake twice.”

He knows Louis remembers the words, the ones he’d told Zayn so long ago sitting in a McDonalds in the middle of the night, when Louis’ face crumbles.

**TBC**


	11. XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg I'm so sorry for making you all think I'd abandoned this story! I promise none of my fics are abandoned, they just take forever to update, but they will be finished! I started my new job and life just really got away from me, my sincere apologies.
> 
> Some notes for this chapter:
> 
> 1\. I stopped giving a fuck about staying totally in character, so from now on they may deviate a bit, but hopefully not too much.
> 
> 2\. Again, I don't really know or care about the members' personal lives, so in this story, very few family members will be brought in. Also, Zayn is an only child because, well. Yay for fiction!
> 
> 3\. Again really sorry for the delay in putting this up. I promise there's a lot more to come. I tried to make this chapter a little longer than usual to make up for the wait.
> 
> Please let me know what you think :)

Everything appears fuzzy, unclear for Zayn. He feels like he's not breathing, in fact, as though he doesn't need to at all. Floating, weightless, it's like he's on his back staring at the ceiling of neverending tilework.

He senses, rather than sees, Liam enter the room. 

“What're you doing here?” Zayn slurs, too comfortable to care that the alpha has arrived. Zayn doesn't feel anything strongly right then, still in a floating headspace that feels relaxed and pleasant.

“It's going to be okay Zayn,” Liam says in answer. 

Zayn snorts. “Thanks Doctor Payne-You know what, that name really doesn't work with you,” he says, chuckling to himself.

“I'm sorry about before.”

“Before when?” Zayn asks.

He still can't see Liam, and his voice is soft, almost inaudible when he speaks. “I'm sorry you're here, and I'm not.”

“That doesn't make any sense.”

“I love you.”

Zayn still doesn't move. He can't keep up with the conversation, doesn't know what's going on or what Liam is talking about. The feeling of confusion and bemusement overwhelms him, until a niggling voice in the back of his mind begins chanting, _It's not real, it's not real._

It isn't real, of course. Zayn finds himself slowly waking up, his eyes opening to a dark room. The heart rate moniter's light was dimmed in consideration to the night, and though he knows he's alone in his room, Zayn can hear the soft footfalls of nurses and doctors outside his private room.

 _A dream_ , he thinks absently. _Just a dream_.

As if Liam would come. As if Liam would appear in his room, in a hospital room no less, and apologize and declare his love for him. That kind of wishful thinking is what got omegas in trouble. Falling for alphas and betas that appeared better than they were.

He tries to convince himself Liam isn't like that, as he rolls onto his other side and tucks his hands beneath his head. Liam doesn't put up a front, is genuine in his mannerisms and actions. But if that were true, why has Zayn been so confused these past few weeks? If what Liam presented really was all there was to him, then wouldn't the fact he hadn't said _I love you_ to Zayn yet mean he didn't love him?

And what about his actions? What about all the things Liam _hadn't_ done yet? He hasn't broken up with Dani, hasn't told him about the baby, hasn't called or texted him since the news about it broke. He hasn't offered any explanations about anything, and the tank of mysteries surrounding Liam have Zayn's head spinning with endless what-ifs.

He doesn't like being in the dark about this stuff. Zayn appreciates transparency, it's one of Liam's most attractive qualities-or at least it was. These days it seemed like a cloud was constantly covering Liam, making it impossible for Zayn to understand him in any way.

It's maddening. Just thinking about everything again, for the umpteenth time that night, has Zayn clenching his jaw in anger and bitterness. He feels like the butt of some terrible joke, that everyone is laughing at him. The stupid, innocent omega who thought he had a chance with his alpha best friend. He supposes there's a reason why they were _best friends_ and not mated.

And that reason isn't Dani or the baby.

x x x

Zayn finds himself checking his phone every few minutes the next morning. It's a compulsive action and he doesn't even realize he's been doing it until his mom finally sighs as she finishes getting his things together.

“He hasn't contacted you?” she asks him quietly. He shrugs, not needing to know who she meant by _he_. 

“It's fine,” he mumbles, slipping into his shoes.

“How do you feel?”

“Okay I guess,” he says.

“Tired or stressed or anything? How's your stomach? The doctor was saying cramps were normal after a collapse-Maybe we should have them check for a fever too, just in case-”

“Mom!” he interrupts with a forced laugh. “I'm fine, really. No cramps or fever or anything. I'll tell you if I start to feel any worse, okay? Promise.”

“I'm just worried,” she replies with a frown, staring at him intensely, scrutinizing him to ensure he isn't lying to her. “Collapses are serious Zayn, and it's not like I had much time to mentally prepare for the idea of my only son collapsing, and in a convenience store of all places.”

He flushes guiltily. “I know. I'm sorry, I should have told you about Liam before.” 

She sits down in the chair beside the bed.

“So tell me about it,” she prods.

“What do you want to know?” he asks, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

“Well, what's it like, being attached? How did you know about it, or find out? And how long ago did it happen?”

“Funny enough, it was Louis that clued me in on it. It kind of all came to a head when I went into heat a few months ago in LA.”

His mom nods her head in understanding. “So you've known since then that you were attached to him?”

Zayn shrugs. “More or less.”

“I wish you had told me sooner, maybe we could have done something so you wouldn't have collapsed.”

“Liam knows I…” he hesitates, feeling suddenly too juvenile to say the words.

“You what?”

“That I…love him. I told him so a few weeks ago. He didn't say it back.” She shoots him a pitying look that makes him rush to add, “But he said he would break up with Dani, and that we would be together and…Christ it sounds terrible just saying it aloud,” he trails off.

“I really, really wish you had said something sooner Zayn. I'm sorry, this is just a mess now and I feel terrible that you're hurting so much. Why did you have to get mixed up in all this anyway? Just record your music, do the tours, have fun with the boys-Why complicate things so much?”

“Mum, it's not like I attached to him on purpose,” he bites back in irritation. 

“Well something had to have triggered it, I know it didn't happen over night.”

“Yeah, it didn't happen over night, and I didn't exactly do it on purpose, it just…happened. It just ended up this way. I started having a crush on him and I guess being around him all the time made my hormones go crazy and form the attachment.”

“And what're you going to do now? Has he called you yet? Have you talked about what's going to happen now that his girlfriend is pregnant? Surely he's not going to still break up with her.”

 _He still could!_ a voice in Zayn's head tries to argue. It makes him feel wretched that such a mean side of him exists, a side that wishes for his best friend to break up with his pregnant omega. That's not the kind of person Zayn's mother raised him to be.

And yet that voice exists. Every moment that goes by without an explanation from Liam lets that niggling bit of hope in his mind grow. What he needs is Liam to tell him, once and for all, where they stand. Rationally he knows how things will turn out. He knows it's stupid to expect Liam to break up with Dani, and it's naive to hope that the whole thing is a mistake, that she isn't even really pregnant. It's also foolish to believe Liam loves him the way Zayn loves the alpha. People are complex, multifaceted creatures but they're also deceptively simple and Zayn has been kidding himself by overanalyzing every one of Liam's actions and words. 

The answer to his question of whether Liam loves him or not is simple. It makes more sense to believe Liam doesn't love him and that's why he hasn't said it to him than to believe Liam _does_ love him and there exists some other reason he hasn't said it yet. 

Zayn rubs his face, suddenly exhausted from the mental hoops his mind has been racing through. 

“I dunno what happens now, mum. He still hasn't given me an explanation either way, and I can't keep pining for him like this. I have to move on.”

“Can you do that when you're in such close proximity? I thought the attachment bond strengthens the more you're around him-and you're around him a lot from what I understand.”

She reaches over and takes his hand in hers. The gesture is simple but it calms him in a way he hadn't expected it would. _A mother's touch_ , he thinks with a smile.

“I'll just have to train myself into believing he's rejected me. I'm pretty sure my body already believes it, what with the collapse yesterday. Plus the meds I was given supposedly help with unfulfilled attachments.”

His mom nods her head, giving him a hesitant smile. “Right, I forgot. Make sure you take them properly alright? Every night, or however often you're supposed to. And make sure to drink a full glass of water with them, I heard you have to with hormonal pills.”

“Yes mum,” he says, rolling his eyes.

“I just want you to get better,” she says, squeezing his hand before letting it go and sitting back.

“And I will,” he insists. “I _will_ get better.” He's promising his mom, but he can't help but think he's promising himself too. It's a promise he has to keep. After all, how could he possibly pine forever?

x x x

His mom stays a few hours with him in his apartment after driving him home, but after the second hour straight of being on the phone with his management, fielding questions and contract details, she quietly finishes making lunch and kisses him goodbye. 

He finally hangs up the phone a half hour after she's left. There's rice in his cooker and curry on the stove that still smells amazing. After settling on his couch with a plate of food though, he finds he's only able to stomach a few bites before pushing the plate onto the coffee table. It's delicious, in that way only his mom's cooking is, but his apetite and mood leave no room for food in that moment.

It's pushing 2pm. He slides down and curls up on his side. He wonders what kind of sight he makes. Probably pretty pathetic. He's got a few days free from hectic, crazy schedules and he's spent half of that time in the hospital, and now in his apartment, doing nothing but sleeping and moping.

He hates this person. This person that pines and wines for his unrequited love. He's pathetc and his self pity is embarrassing. What happened to the omega that auditioned by himself on live television, and beat out hundreds of other contestants to become one of the most successful musicians in the world? What happened to the omega that everyone regarded with respect, and admiration? What happened to the omega he was once proud to be?

 _He disappeared when everyone found out what he was_.

And what was he? An Omega. 

Zayn bites his lip, feeling wretched. Had he ever been proud of what he was? _Is_? How could he claim to have ever been proud when the whole time he'd been hiding his sexual identity? Why had he done it anyway? Being an omega doesn't change who he is-but people sure as fuck think it does.

For awhile he and his mom had kept up the ruse of him being a beta because it had been convenient. But years passed and still they never came out about it. It had truly been his greatest kept secret, one that no one in the world save his own mother had known. 

But what he is, his sexual identity, being found out, exposed, is nothing compared to his feelings for his best friend being out in the open. It's only a matter of time before it really gets out, he knows it. These things don't stay secret long, especially not when so many people know already. People will find out, and they will comb through the visual and media records to find that one moment, and every other little moment, where he slipped up and couldn't hide his attraction to the alpha. People will re-evaluate every look and touch and gesture toward his bandmate and say, “ _See? He was so obvious about it!_ ”

Maybe that's what he fears the most. He'd escaped it when his secret had been revealed, but with this, this stupid attachment, he'll never survive it. _It_. He forces himself to think about it, to not hide anymore. He has to face the fear, even if only to himself. The fear of being humiliated. For what he's done, who he loves, and above all, what he is. 

An omega in love with his best friend-who will never love him back.

x x x

It's dark when he wakes up. He doesn't know what's woken him up until Zayn sees his phone vibrating brightly on the coffee table.

He'd hoped to ignore it for the rest of the day, and he supposes he succeeded, considering it's already 6. He can't believe he slept the entire day away, but then again, the meds he's on supposedly made him extremely drowsy, so he can't be completely blamed.

He grabs the phone to turn it off and freezes when he sees who's texted him.

Liam.

_Can u come over? I think we should talk_

His heart pounds wildly as he reads and rereads the text. A million and one responses jump to the forefront of his mind but just as quickly he rejects them.

Should he say he'll come? Should he blow him off? Does Liam even know about Zayn's collapse?

He doesn't even realize he's taken ages to respond until he feels his phone vibrate again, this time a phone call. 

He deliberates anxiously for a long second whether to pick up or not, but his thumb makes the decision for him as it swipes to accept.

“Yeah?” he says hoarsely, voice rough from disuse.

“Hey Zayn,” Liam's voice sounds at once beautiful and horrific in his ear. Like music and pain.

“Hey.”

“I uh, thought we should talk, did you uhm…get my text?”

Zayn thinks about lying. “Yeah, I just got it,” he finally says.

“So er…can you come over?” Liam asks hesitantly. When Zayn doesn't reply again, he hastily adds, “Or I could come over, if that's okay. Whatever works.”

Zayn swallows thickly. He realizes in that second how utterly unprepared he is for this conversation. He hasn't mentally prepared himself yet, and he hasn't emotionally prepared himself yet for the final rejection. It's going to hurt, probably more than he can anticipate. _Thank God for weed and meds_ , he finds himself thinking.

“I uh, I can't talk right now.”

“Oh,” Liam sounds disappointed for a second before asking, “Later tonight? Or tomorrow? We really need to talk Z.”

Zayn closes his eyes and chokes down a lump of emotion. Don't cry, don't fucking cry, he repeats.

“I don't want to talk at all Liam. There's nothing more to be said. I can take a hint.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Liam curses. “No wait, Zayn, please, give me a chance to explain. I swear it's not what you think.”

“Dani is pregnant, true or false?”

“Yeah, she is but-”

“You were going to tell me eventually, true or false?”

“Of course I was going to tell you, I wasn't trying to lie about it, I just didn't know how to tell you!”

Zayn swallows thickly again, opening his eyes. “And you're breaking up with her for me, true or false?” He doesn't want to know the answer. He really, really doesn't want to know.

“Zayn, please,” Liam pleads, his voice soft in a way Zayn doesn't remember it ever being with him. 

“So false. S'what I thought.”

“Stop being a fucking ass and listen to me Zayn!”

“No you shutup!” Zayn shouts back, clutching his phone like it's his only lifeline. “ _Fuck you_ and _fuck your promises_! They don't mean shit to me! What do you want from me Liam? I already told you I love you, I told you I want you, you told me you would break up with Dani and now I find out she's fucking _pregnant_?! What do you want to say to me that's going to make up for that?”

Liam doesn't answer him, and Zayn sits there with his phone pressed tightly against his ear for several long minutes, until he realizes Liam hung up on him. Then he flings his phone away and collapses on his back to stare at the tiled ceiling.

Again.

x x x

This time Zayn is only lightly dozing and it's not his phone that wakes him up, but the pounding on his door. He doesn't even need to check the peephole to know who it is, but he opens the door anyway.

“What do you want from me?” Zayn asks tiredly, staring Liam in the eye. The alphas eyes are red, but Zayn viciously doubts the alpha had been crying.

“Maybe you could let me in first,” Liam says, his voice tired and raspy.

Zayn doesn't answer but moves aside, letting Liam brush past him into his apartment.

“I'm sorry,” Liam starts, emotionally. “I'm _so_ sorry. Louis texted me and said you found out from the mags and I…That's the last way I wanted you to find out.”

“So you were planning on telling me yourself?”

“Yeah, of course! I wouldn't keep something like that from you but I guess someone from the hospital went to the press after her last check up and…” He trails off.

“How far along is she?” Zayn asks quietly. _How long have you known_ is the question he's really asking, not wanting to hear the answer but still needing to know.

“She's due in June,” Liam says, not quite answering the question. It takes a few seconds for Zayn to understand.

“So nearly a month now,” he mumbles, more to himself than anything. He closes his door and brushes past Liam to take a seat on the couch, chin resting on his knuckles.

Liam takes the seat next to him and Zayn doesn't know whether he wants to lean in towards the sudden warmth or lean away.

“What else?”

“What do you mean?”

“Isn't there anything else you want to say?”

“Like what?”

Zayn huffs sarcastically, “I don't know, like, I'm sorry I put you in the hospital?”

“I-What?” Liam shifts to stare at him and Zayn sits back to escape the sudden probing gaze.

“What do you mean what?”

“What do _you_ mean, I put you in the hospital?!”

“I thought you said you talked to Lou?” Zayn asks in confusion. It suddenly dawns on him that Liam hadn't known about Zayn's collapse yesterday. “Shit,” he hisses. If Liam hadn't known before, Zayn doesn't want to have to tell him now. 

“Wait, hold on Zayn, what are you talking about?! Were you in the hospital? When?”

“Er,” Zayn fumbles for something to say. Eventually he sighs, unable to think of anything to say but the truth. “Yesterday,” he finally admits. “I was admitted yesterday morning. Mum came last night and dropped me off at home again this morning.”

“What the fuck Zayn, why didn't you call me?! What happened, why were you admitted?”

Zayn cracks his knuckles in nervousness, wishing they would just change the subject. He hates seeing the concern and worry in the alpha's eyes, hates feeling bad for putting it there, as if he's at any fault in this situation. 

_You're the one in love with him_ , his mind supplies unhelpfully. _He didn't attach himself to you after all. He had his own life, with his own omega, and you were the one to come in with all your emotions trying to change the status quo_.

He's more embarrassed than anything as he finally mumbles, “I collapsed. Yesterday morning.”

“You collapsed?” The alpha sounds more surprised than angry, though Zayn doesn't know why he'd be angry.

“Yeah. After I saw the magazine cover, I…yeah. Collapsed.” He cracks his knuckles again, this time squeezing down harder, trying to use pain to drown out the rushing in his ears. Liam grabs his hands and squeezes them in his own.

“Stop doing that, you'll get arthritis,” he says absently. He's staring at Zayn with the most intense look, as though he can't understand any of the words coming out of Zayn's mouth.

A full minute passes in silence and Zayn can't take it anymore. He pulls his hands back. “Look, I'm fine okay? It's not a big deal.”

“ _Don't_!” Liam shouts at him suddenly. His voice is harsh, deep, reverberating. An alpha command. 

Zayn whimpers before he can help it, eyes casting down. He has no idea what he isn't supposed to do, but his body aches to submit in any way it can, bowed under the intensity of Liam's command.

“Don't sit there and keep telling me you're okay! You always do this, you always hide your feelings and whatever you're thinking. Just be straight with me Zayn, just be honest for once!” None of it is a command but his voice is still firm, and Zayn can see Liam's hands balled into fists at his sides. Liam stands, towering over him. His hands fly up and run through his short hair before dropping to his sides again.

Even as Zayn wants to spill everything to Liam, his mind fights back as anger flushes through him. Fuck Liam for tormenting him like this.

It takes everything he has to not get on his knees and ask for forgiveness, to not spill all his secrets and hidden feelings. It takes everything he has to instead bite his tongue and force himself to meet Liam's gaze.

“I'm attached to you dammit, what the hell did you think was going to happen when I found out? How were you going to break it to me? _When_ were you going to break it to me? Liam, just…” His heart pounds wildly as he struggles to keep his voice even and say what he needs to say. “Just think for a second alright. I told you I'm attached to you. And you haven't said whether you love me or not. I went through a heat without you, which I know isn't your fault, but it happened and my body started feeling rejected, only for you to kiss me and indicate you maybe liked me. I spent weeks straddling two sides of an attachment, feeling rejected and accepted, only to find out you were having a baby with Dani.

"So really, what did you think was going to happen when you told me?”

“I-I…” Liam's stutter doesn't change anything, doesn't make anything better. But it helps to ground Zayn, remind him that he has strength and will and can defy his instincts. Liam isn't all powerful here, despite being the alpha, and Zayn can't help but think he should be angrier than he is that Liam had used his alpha voice on him again.

“I'd leave her, Zayn, I would,” he finally says. “With the baby…”

Zayn shakes his head, looking away and grinding down on his teeth in barely masked pain. _Let it go_ , he tells himself. _Let him go. You can do this. You can fucking do this_.

“I don't expect you to leave her anymore, alright. And you can't be with us both.”

“After the baby's born though…we can work something out, we will, I swear Zayn-This isn't the end, don't make it seem like it-”

“Liam, Li, _stop_ ,” Zayn interrupts, unable to handle Liam's words. “Don't alright? I know where this leaves me. I can't share you, and Dani and the baby sure as hell don't deserve to have their alpha leave them. Can't we just…just pretend none of this ever happened? Let's just pretend you don't know about the attachment or my feelings.”

“You want me to pretend you don't love me?” Liam asks, stricken. 

“Why not? It won't be hard, really. Just…reject me, and I'll get over it, and we'll move on. Plenty of people do this all the time.”

“Zayn, listen to yourself! This situation sucks but _this_ isn't the answer to fix it-”

“There is no _fixing_ it, don't you get it? There's no solution here, none! Pretend I don't love you, pretend I hate you, pretend we don't even know each other for all I care, but I _can't_ keep up this charade anymore. I can't keep waiting for you Liam, I ended up in the hospital once, you want me there again?”

Liam looks horrified when Zayn finally turns to look him in the eye again, but Zayn isn't sure which part he's most horrified by. It doesn't matter anyway, he tells himself. They just have to get through this, _he_ just has to get through this, and then they can both move on. It won't be easy, but it will be simple. 

“I can't just pretend none of this happened,” Liam insists. 

“Do you love me?” 

And there it is, out in the open finally. The question that's been plagueing Zayn since he and Liam first kissed. _Does he love me?_

They stare at each other for a long time until Liam backs away, throwing his hands up behind his head. 

“I don't love Dani,” Zayn hears him admit quietly. “And what I feel for you is more than anything I've ever felt for someone else. I dunno…Is that love?” Zayn holds his breath, hardly daring to breathe lest he miss what Liam says next. “I want you all the time Zayn, I want to talk to you, text you, call you. I hate the idea of you spending time with anyone that isn't me. Sometimes I hate being with you because all I can think about is when you're leaving again.” He turns around and looks Zayn in the eye. “I dunno, is that love?” he asks again. “Love is for children and fairytales Zayn, you're the one who said that to me when Louis and Harry got together all those years ago. Maybe your cynicism finally wore off on you and rubbed onto me, but I can't just throw out words like _I love you_ , especially not to someone who only a few months ago I didn't think even really believed in it. So you tell me, is that love? Everything I feel for you, is it love?

"But more importantly, if it's not love, _is it enough_?”

Zayn's breath hitches, and he feels it. Feels the emotion choking him.

“I need you to leave,” he whispers.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to cry in front of you.”

“Well I don want you to cry when youre alone,” Liam replies quietly. He walks back to where Zayn is sitting on the couch, but rather than taking the seat next to him again, he crouches in front of him, putting his hand on Zayn's knee.

“Do you get it now? Do you get why I can't just pretend you don't love me? You're asking me to forget, but can _you_ pretend you don't love me? Can you pretend that I don't love you when I…” He hesitates before a look of determination crosses his face. He grabs Zayn's hand and laces their fingers together. “I love you,” he finishes, but it's a statement, not a question, and it breaks the last shred of strength Zayn has. 

The first tear escapes and dies at the corner of his mouth, the second one wiped away by the tender stroke of Liam's thumb. 

“I love you Liam,” he chokes out, and it's a stupid thing to say because it doesn't change anything any more than his tears do, but it's all he has left. When Liam leaves he'll find his dignity and strength and patch himself together, but right now in this moment, he admits that all he has to hold for a few minutes is the love he holds for the other alpha. His strength, his weakness-he gets it now, all the cliche poems and song lyrics. He gets it.

“I love you too,” Liam whispers. “And I'm not going to pretend that I don't.”

“You can't break up with Dani,” Zayn argues, realizing they're back to square one.

“Not publically, no. But we can separate by ourselves and tell people after the baby is born.”

“No Li, you can't leave her, not now that she's pregnant. She's going to need you.”

Liam shakes his head. “She's not attached to me,” he reveals.

“ _What_?” Zayn breathes out in shock. “What do you mean she's not attached to you, how is that possible? You've been together for years!”

“No, _we've_ been together for years,” Liam says, indicating to himself and Zayn. “Dani and I…we see each other every few months, and for her heat. Otherwise, we hardly see each other anymore. I guess because we're apart so long…she just never formed an attachment to me,” he shrugs.

“But…” The idea stuns Zayn stupid. He just doesn't understand how it's possible for Liam and Dani to not be attached. He supposes Liam's explanation makes sense but it still seems unbelievable.

“What about your ruts? Don't you spend them with her? How can you guys handle it if you're not attached?” Not that an attachment is necessary to spend a rut or heat with someone, but supposedly ruts were easier on both people if there was an attachment in place. Zayn tries not to think about Liam and Dani spending heats or ruts together, tries to push down the spark of jealousy that ignites just thinking about them being intimate together.

“I'm on suppressants,” Liam explains. “I don't have my ruts, so they don't interfere with the band's schedules.”

“Isn't that dangerous?” Zayn tries to remember whatever he can about ruts. He remembers reading that while suppressants exist for staving off alpha ruts, they were hard on the body and couldn't be taken for long without the risk of sterility or other complications. 

“It's only been this past year. I'll probably be off them again by the time the album drops, or I'll stop them in January. It's not a big deal, don't worry about it.”

Zayn sighs. “Look, I can't help it that I'm happy you're not attached but it still doesn't change the fact that you're having a baby with her. You can't leave her now, or later Liam.”

“Then what do you want me to do? I can't stay with her either but you're right, I can't just…I can't just abandon them.” Zayn knows Liam's instincts must be going crazy at the idea of leaving his unborn baby, but a huge part of him still resents the fact that it isn't _him_ giving birth to Liam's first child. It's not something he's proud of feeling, so he files it away to think on later, later when Liam is gone and he can think clearly.

“I don't care what you say Z,” Liam suddenly says, kneeling forward and pushing Zayn back to lie on the couch. He maneuvers them so that they're on their sides, Liam's arms around Zayn and Zayn's head nestled in the crook of Liam's shoulder. “I'm not leaving you anymore. I'm not pretending we don't love each other. If we can only be together when no one's looking well…It won't be forever. I don't know when, but we'll come out someday.

"I'll tell Dani that me and her are done, and maybe a year or something after the baby's born you and I can come out publicly. I dunno, I dunno how it will work out, all I know is that I'm not pretending like you don't exist.”

“How do you think she'll take it if you break up with her Liam? Think, you can't just let her go, not now.”

Liam's arms tighten around Zayn, one hand coming up to run through Zayn's hair. “You complicate everything,” he huffs.

“I'm just trying to be reasonable.”

“Well then maybe…”

“Maybe what?”

“Maybe…we could just keep this a secret? Not forever,” Liam hastens to add, “Not forever obviously, just until the baby is born, or whenever the right time comes. I mean, look at Louis and Haz, they fuckin mated without telling anyone, and they've been together for years without anyone really knowing. We could do it,” Liam finishes, voice suddenly excited, as if he's discovered the perfect solution-as if that solution didn't entail having a secret relationship with one of his bandmates while essentially cheating on his pregnant girlfriend.

Zayn says as much to the other alpha, finishing with, “Is that really what you want?”

“It's not ideal,” Liam admits. “But nothing in this situation is ideal, is it? Zayn if…if you really want to just pretend none of this ever happened, then I…” He trails off, and the words are as bitter in the space between them as they are in Liam's mouth. “I'll pretend too, for you. But only if it's what you really want.

"Come on, is the idea of a secret relationship with me really so terrible?” Liam teases, but the joke falls flat as Zayn thinks hard.

Can he do it? What Liam is proposing is harsh, and cruel to Dani, but it's almost everything he's ever wanted from the alpha. He'd never really expected to be in an open, approved relationship with the alpha, had never let himself fantasize that far. He's always been a secretive person as it is, so it isn't like it would be impossible to hide a relationship with Liam from the world. 

The more he thinks about it, the more Zayn realizes it's a monumentally stupid idea, and exactly what he wants.

“We can't tell even Niall or Lou or Harry,” he finally says, after several long minutes of thinking, Liam simply holding him and stroking his hand through Zayn's dark locks. “No one can know,” he insists, looking up to meet Liam's eyes.

“ _Shit_ ,” Liam mutters, before leaning down and capturing Zayn's lips in a deep kiss. His lips press hard against Zayn's, the hand in the omega's hair tightening to clutch the soft strands in a harsh grip. Zayn feels overwhelmed by the sudden assault, struggling to keep up. He swings his leg over Liam's hip, hands snaking between them and gripping the alpha's shirt tightly.

His tongue meets Liam's in the space between their mouths, before their teeth knock together in the effort to get closer. Liam's breath is hot, the taste of Zayn's name on his lips a delicious sensation, one that he'd almost given up hope for ever experiencing again.

Before long Liam groans and pulls back, searching Zayn's face for any indication that he'd taken it too far.

“I'm sorry, I just…I got ahead of myself,” he apologizes with a soft smile, completely in contrast to the harsh kiss he'd just given the omega.

Zayn can't help but smirk back, “Not like I mind.”

Liam leans in for another kiss, and Zayn can't help but wonder if he's being truthful. No, he doesn't mind the kiss, or the intimacy, but the secret relationship? Well, only time would tell if they're making the best decision of their lives, or the worst mistake. Zayn desperately prays it's the former, and it's the last serious thought he has before he's swept up in Liam's embrace.

**TBC**


	12. XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been a year. Yeah. A whole year since I last updated. I've probably lost a lot of readers and for that I completely understand. I can only apologize profusely and hope I can make it up to you guys by posting more. 
> 
> To be honest part of me lost my motivation to finish this story because it seemed like I wrote myself into a hole. Several people seemed disappointed with how the last chapter turned out and even though I knew why it went the way it did, I lost my confidence that I could convincingly write the rest of the story. I know I said I stopped caring about keeping the characters in character, but what I meant was I lost interest in trying to keep them in character to how they are in real life, but I still very much want to keep them in character with who they are in the story.
> 
> Anyway, long story short, I've been re-reading the comments left on the story and they've inspired me to come back to this story and finish it out. So I've re-worked the plan for the fic and I hope I can still do justice to the characters. Thank you for all your patience with me, it means more to me than you could understand. This fandom has been incredibly welcoming and I appreciate all the support I've garnered.
> 
> Sorry if this chapter seems a little short or boring, but I wanted to publish something ASAP to inform everyone I'm still here. I apologize in advance for any and all grammatical errors, but without further ado, let's continue the tale!

The ensuing week isn't easy on Zayn. The side effects of his collapse leave him tired and achy, his head pounding. Since the album is done and about to drop in two weeks, Zayn is allowed some reprieve and not required to go into the studio. The next two weeks until the album officially drops are blissfully his to relax.

That doesn't mean he gets to relax though. Between feeling strung out and the effects of a rejected attachment, Zayn has honestly seen better days. Every morning when he sees his face in the mirror he can't help but feel like the face staring back at him looks too worn out to be his. The bags under his eyes tell of too little sleep and too much thinking.

Which is exactly how it's been. All week he's been struggling to sleep properly, always lying in bed awake for hours before he goes to the balcony for a cigarette to calm his nerves. It never helps but it gives him something to do. His thoughts are constantly preoccupied with his and Liam's conversation over the weekend, but if he's honest, his thoughts are really just preoccupied with Liam.

There's a heavy feeling of wrongness in his stomach. Liam has been texting him nonstop, though unable to see him again since he was spending the week visiting his parents. The share stupid jokes and Zayn lies about how good his day is while Liam talks about how his family is doing, and they both steadfastly avoid talking about real issues, like girlfriends and babies. It feels disingenuous because he knows it is. All of this avoidance is evidence of what they're doing being wrong. And the feeling in his stomach gets worse every day.

Every time his phone buzzes and it's Liam's name that pops up on the screen Zayn feels the knot in his stomach tighten.

The problem is that Zayn knows what they're doing is wrong. And while a part of him thinks about how he could finally be with Liam, the saner part of him reminds Zayn that he isn't really _with_ the alpha. And it's not because they're proposing to keep it a secret from everyone. It's because of the reason _why_. Had it been because they wanted to bask in their love by themselves, it would be one thing. But that's not why they're being secretive -- They're doing it because Liam has a pregnant omega.

And that's what it always comes back to. Danielle is _pregnant_ ; a life forming in her womb that belongs partly to her and partly to Liam. A child that will potentially grow up with only one parent if Zayn decides to be selfish beyond imagining.

He can't understand why at the same time that he's plagued with thoughts like this, Zayn still finds himself texting Liam back and acting like everything is okay, like what they're doing is okay. The self-loathing he has for himself builds and builds every day but it's inexplicable why he continues to talk to Liam the way he does. By the end of the week, Zayn is angry. Angry at himself for what he's doing and angry for not being able to explain why he feels so weak.

It's like his control has been slipping all week, where he longs for the alpha and simultaneously hates himself for it. Why is he suddenly so unable to resist?

Friday night Zayn finds himself staring at his phone, rereading for the umpteenth time the last message Liam had sent him.

_Cant wait to see u tomorrow babe_

The word babe makes his head spin and his stomach roll. Every time he reads the word Zayn feels a strike of need so intense he has to stop himself from calling the alpha just to hear his voice. For a few seconds Zayn can't control the desire to hear the word come from Liam's lips, crooning in his ear over the phone how he wants Zayn just as much as Zayn wants him...

It's that thought that makes Zayn snap out of it. What the hell is wrong with him? All these thoughts of desire and words of endearment are making his head spin and he doesn't like it, doesn't like how disoriented it makes him feel. In an attempt to shake the feelings off, Zayn drops his phone on the couch and goes to the kitchen for a beer, hoping that at least will settle his stomach enough to think clearly.

Niall is coming over soon, which will hopefully also help clear his head a bit. The other alpha has always had a calming effect on him. And he studiously ignores the voice in his head whispering it's the wrong alpha coming over.

He's watching a sitcom on the television, still ignoring Liam's text, when there's a knock on the door.

"Hey you," Niall says as Zayn opens the door. "I brought some take out, figured you'd be too hungry by now to wait," he says holding up a bag of Chinese takeout. The bag smells delicious and for a second Zayn forgets all the strange feelings he's been having.

"Awesome, thanks man."

"So how's it been, enjoying the free days so far?" Niall asks. They stand in the kitchen spooning food onto their plates. Zayn grabs two beers for them from the fridge while he answers,

"Eh, could'a been better, just been home all week."

"You didn't go to the studio?"

Zayn shakes his head, following Niall back into his living room. "Nah, didn't feel up to it."

And that's when it seems to really dawn on Niall what he's asked, what he's said.

" _Fuck_ , man I'm sorry," he says quietly, putting his plate of food on the coffee table and sitting back. He shoots Zayn one of the saddest looks he's ever seen on his friend. "I...I couldn't believe it when I heard about it, and then Louis told me about you collapsing--I'm sorry I didn't come see you in the hospital, by the time I found out--"

Zayn shakes his head and interrupts, "No it's fine, I...I mean it sucks, but..." He trails off, unsure what else to say. The food in his mouth tastes like cardboard and he has trouble swallowing, especially with the look Niall is giving him.

"Talk to me," is all Niall says, and it's all he needs to say for Zayn to start pouring it all out, how he'd been in the corner store buying beer and milk, only to see the headline. He tells him about waking up in the hospital only to be told he collapsed, and telling his mom about his attachment to Liam. When he gets to the part where he left the hospital and Liam came over, he hesitates.

He and Liam had said to keep it to themselves, to not let anyone know. Just thinking of the repercussions of Niall knowing what he and Liam talked about...

But more than that, he's ashamed. Zayn is ashamed to voice aloud how weak he'd been and how he'd given in to Liam's proposal of being in a secret relationship. He's afraid of seeing the disappointment in Niall's eyes if he were to tell him because _fuck_ , what kind of person has a secret relationship with someone who already had a pregnant omega?

He closes his eyes and leans back, rubbing his face.

"What is it?" Niall asks.

Zayn puts his plate next to Niall's on the coffee table, debating with himself whether to say it or not. In the end, he's reminded that this is Niall, the alpha that's been there for him for years, who's listened to his sob stories and self tragedies for months now.

"I...Liam he...he came over the day after I got out of the hospital. He called me and said he wanted to talk but I refused. He ended up barging over anyway," he says with a wry laugh. "I thought Lou had told him I collapsed but he hadn't and I accidentally let it slip. And then..."

He trails off, unable to continue as the shame of what he was about to admit starts to rub him thin.

"Then what?" Niall prods.

"We talked, sorta. He said he...that he..." his voice hitches, "he said he loves me," Zayn finally admits, dropping his head into his hands.

"Fuck," Niall mutters.

"Yeah. And then proposed we have a secret relationship, that eventually he'd break up with Dani."

Niall is silent for a moment, and when Zayn looks up the alpha is staring hard at him.

"Tell me you didn't say yes," Niall says after a beat. Zayn's face crumples.

"I did," he reveals. "But I don't know why, I mean, this whole week I've been beating myself up about what I agreed to, I mean, I'm a piece of shit for letting Liam cheat on Dani with me and besides all that...He fucking _lied_ to me," he growls. Anger and shame war within him. As though he can sense Zayn's turmoil, Niall gets up from his seat to sit next to the other boy, wrapping his arm around Zayn's shoulder.

"Zayn, look man, you gotta know that this...this isn't a good idea," Niall starts. "I mean, if this gets out...It would spell the end of your career. I don't know that any amount of PR could help your image if the press runs with the idea of you and Liam running off together. I...fucking shit, I can't believe Liam would even consider the idea," Niall says, a tinge of anger in his voice.

His arm tights around Zayn, bringing the omega to lay his head on Niall's shoulder.

"I know man, but it's like I couldn't help it. I mean, I dunno, I just...It sounded good at the time, like maybe we could really do it and--"

"Well, I'm sure anything coming from Liam's mouth sounds good right now considering you're a few days away from heat."

Zayn jerks away, shocked. " _What_?"

Niall stares at him in surprise. "What do you mean what?"

"What do _you_ mean, I'm not..." Zayn trails off, suddenly frozen. He thinks back to the past week, the conflicting emotions, the anger at himself that had always been at the ready, but the anger at Liam that had been decidedly absent; the longing he'd felt for Liam all week; the constant tugging in his stomach.

And suddenly it's like the veil that had been covering his eyes has been lifted. Zayn feels shock course through him as he realizes what Niall said is true. _He's going into heat_.

Everything is put into clarity now, he realizes. It's no wonder he's felt so off; why he gave into Liam's proposal so easily; how he was able to be swayed by Liam's confession. It hadn't been just his own longing to hear the words _I love you_ from Liam's mouth clouding his judgment. It had been the pre-heat symptoms.

That isn't to say his feelings aren't real. He recognizes that hearing Liam say _I love you_ would have been staggering regardless of his heat or not, but now the he knows he's aware of what the symptoms from the past week mean, why he's been feeling the way he has, it all makes sense to him why he's been so...out of character.

Suddenly Zayn is trembling, cracking his knuckles nervously as he shuts his eyes.

"Can you...smell it?" he asks Niall, needing to be sure.

"That you're nearly in heat? Yeah mate, it's pretty obvious."

It makes him wonder _how_ obvious. Could Liam tell last weekend? Had he manipulated Zayn's biology against him? He doesn't want to believe that Liam would do that. It doesn't align with the sweet, caring, genuinely considerate alpha he knows.

But then again, he wouldn't have had to recognize Zayn's pre-heat symptoms consciously to have manipulated him. If Liam had been reacting as purely an alpha responding to an attached omega in pre-heat, it wouldn't necessarily be his fault that he'd inadvertently coerced Zayn into acquiescence. The dubiousness of the situation makes Zayn's head ache.

"I don't get it, it's...isn't it too soon?"

"Well I mean, you've been messing around with your suppressants for ages right? Maybe going off them finally is making your body go weird trying to compensate.

"You really didn't realize you were going into heat?" Niall asks him, hand tightening around Zayn's shoulder.

Zayn shakes his head. "I just thought, maybe it was after effects of the collapse last week."

"I guess that's possible. Probably likely that the collapse triggered your heat."

Zayn pulls away, cradling his head between his hands. "Fuck man, what am I gonna do? I'm not ready for another heat."

And he's not. He remembers the heat he'd had weeks ago, feeling wretched with aching need for relief. But mostly he remembers the crushing rejection he'd felt as hour after hour passed by with no alpha, no _Liam_ , to help him. Maybe he'd had some semblance of control in the beginning of the heat, but he'd all but lost it toward the end. He wonders if that's how it'll be when he finally spends his heat with someone, his future mate, whoever that may be.

In his head, or maybe it's his heart, he can't help but feel that person could only ever be Liam. And it confuses him, as his thoughts continue to swirl around the alpha, just why he's still so obsessed. He doesn't understand why the implied rejection he felt isn't helping him move on like he should be. Sure it's meant to hurt for awhile, but this long? Is he really meant to suffer this long?

As if sensing his thoughts, Niall suddenly starts to speak. "You know man, I think being around Liam is really messing with you. You keep bouncing between feeling like you're together and feeling like you're not. Like, how long can you keep going through this cycle? It can't be healthy."

"I know, but what can I do? Li is just as confused as I am--"

"That doesn't give him the right to treat you like shit," Niall interrupts.

He's right of course. Just because they're both confused and hurting doesn't mean Liam can lie to him, or continue to string him along. And if nothing else, the constant exposure to each other is causing them to behave irrationally. Niall is right. They've been bouncing back and forth between being together and being apart. When they're together it hurts because he's constantly reminding himself why they shouldn't be; and when they're apart, it hurts more because he tries to convince himself why they should be together.

"I know he's treated me like shit, trust me I know." He shudders remembering how angry he'd felt in the hospital with Lou seemingly defending the alpha. "What should I do? I can't just avoid him, we're in a fucking band together.”

The solution hits him before Niall even says it, and he can tell the moment the alpha comes to the same conclusion from the sharp intake of breath he hears.

“That’s not the answer,” Niall says meekly. 

Zayn doesn’t say anything for a long time, waiting for his breath to even out. “If I…leave—”

“That’s _not_ the answer,” Niall repeats intensely. 

“Isn’t it?” he asks, finally meeting Niall’s gaze again. “If I leave the group, every problem is solved. I’ll send less time with Liam, my attachment goes away, and we can both move on. He gets to be a—father to his kid,” his breath hitches, “and I’ll be free to find someone new.” His heart hammers saying the words, tasting the wrongness of them on his tongue. Just saying it aloud hurts but more than that, makes him frustrated.

It’s unfair, is what it is. Part of him wonders if Liam could leave instead, but he pushes the thought away. It makes no sense, it’s not like Liam was the one who went and got himself attached to someone so forbidden. Liam has made a lot of mistakes, but this isn’t how he should answer for it.

He knows he hasn’t done anything wrong either, but it’s not a matter of his pride anymore, it’s a matter of his health. Rationally he knows he can’t continue like this. Next time he could collapse and end up in the hospital for who knows how long. He was lucky this time that it didn’t get out but if the press ever got wind of it, it would be all over for him. Speculation would begin on why Zayn collapsed, who he attached, who rejected him, why, and so much more. He’s too private a person to handle that kind of scrutiny.

More and more he realizes that’s it, the only solution. He has to leave the group.

Leave One Direction.

His heart aches for a whole different reason, and he doesn’t realize he’s let out a whine until Niall takes his hands in his, squeezing tightly.

“Come on Zayn, don’t think about this right now,” he implores. “Get through your heat first, and then talk to a doctor or a shrink or someone. There’s probably some pill or something you can take instead to break the attachment, but don’t break your head thinking you gotta leave the band over this.

“It’s not the end, I promise. I told you I’m here for you and I am. We’ll get through this—you, me, Lou, Harry, and Liam too. We’ll get through this.”

Zayn nods his head, knowing if he tries to respond he’ll probably release another whine instead. The direct skin contact between him and Niall is making his skin tingle, and he recognizes the feverish aches in his body for what they are now. The heat really is setting in, and he’s working himself up about leaving the band rather than preparing for his heat.

“I don’t wanna do this alone,” he finally whispers. He knows how it sounds, but Niall, whether purposely or not, misconstrues what he says and answers, “You’re not alone Z, you got all of us.”

Zayn nods his head, not bothering to correct the alpha. As the minutes tick by in silence Niall fidgets in his seat. Finally he pulls away and grabs his plate off the coffee table, moving back to his original seat on the opposite couch.

“I reckon you got a few days yet before it really hits you, so how ‘bout we enjoy dinner before you hafta kick me out?” he says with an impish grin.

Zayn smiles, though it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Sure man,” he says grabbing his own plate of food. 

“Sure.”

**TBC**


End file.
